Things I Thought I Could Handle

I thought I could handle falling off my bike for the first time, not sucking my thumb, kissing a boy, lying to my parents, being a Mom, living with my husband's snoring. I thought I could handle loving an unloveable child, caring for someone who doesn't care, doing for someone who wouldn't do for me. I thought I could handle understanding other's logic, controling the pain, holding back the tears. Thought I could handle losing my friends, being afraid, and difficult situations. I thought I could handle it all.
I was wrong.
And those are just some of the things I thought I could handle.

Many times, I look at my life and think it's going pretty well, considering. Considering what? Considering lots of things. Loss, hurt, pain, sorrow, you name it.

Last night, I was forced to come to terms with myself. And guess what? I didn't like it.
The terms are still under negotiations, but I can tell you some of them under scrutiny.
One is the fact that I can't make people do what is right for them.
I'd like to. In fact I'd like to give some people a swift kick in the buttocks or ask them to take a long walk off a short peir.

Another is the realization that not everyone has my best interests at heart. All of us have a tendancy to be selfish. Not one of you can say you haven't been a bit selfish lately. Besides what would you do with a pint of your favorite Ben&Jerry's ice cream and a room full of kids. Hide it.... and save it for a quiet night when noone is around; where you can snuggle with your B&J's, a spoon, a banket and a favorite movie. Hey, it's your ice cream, you can do what you want with it, but I bet your first instinct is not to share. Maybe you have your own thing you feel uncomfortable sharing. Mine is Ben&Jerry's ice cream. Get your own.

And yet another realization is that I am not alone in my battle with self. Sometimes I think things that others don't. And when I ask them about it, they are shocked with me for thinking such foolery. Yet I still wonder.....

And still another is doubt. I could go on, but as I said, it is still under negotiation.
I say this because, it is up to me to accept the terms that have been given me.
What terms, you may be thinking.... well, that is a great thought.
The terms I would need to accept these conditions under is "acceptance".
Accept things. As they are.
Accept people. As they are.
Accept situations. As they are.
Accept circumstances. As they are.

That doesn't necessarily mean I don't have choices. It just means I will have to learn to accept things I never thought I needed to before last night. Try to change it as I might, the fact remains, the only person who can change is myself. I can't change the person, the circumstances, the situations, the weather; but I can change me.

You'd think with all that I have gone through I would know that by now. But life has a funny way of showing me how wrong I have been. I'm not at all comfortable with this journey. I am even more aware of how unprepared I am for it; and that is not like me to be unprepared for anything. Can I get a "What! What!"?
What?
What?
For those who know me, I'm always prepared for everything. Yes, everything. Even periods.
Hey, ya never know when someone might need a tampon. Things happen like that, ya know.
I thought everyone was like me..... yet, another realization I have to come to terms with and negotiate over.