Feelings... La lalala Feelings...

Feelings. Happy, sad, scared, mad, glad, ticked, mushy, icky, jealous, angry, gushy, and the list goes on and on and on. But how bout the feelings passionate, excited, motivated, failure.
Are those feelings or just things we convince ourselves about in order to keep us on track?
I am in grad school for counseling psychology. It's only my second semester but I gotta tell you, I feel like quitting. It's not that I can't do it, but I just don't feel like it anymore.
Ever been there?
My husband and I homeschool our two kids. There are many times when all of us don't feel like homeschooling. So what keeps us going? For me, it's the sense of security, knowing my kids are safe with me at home. However, this year has been the most challenging.
Don't get me wrong, we all love being home together, the breaks we get, the work we accomplish, but we are all reaching a point of being tired, spent. I can see it in my children's work and their attitudes regarding school. But hang-on.... does that mean give up and quit? Surely not.
Here's the thing. I am committed to my children and their education, but my committment to them can only go as far as our desire for their education. I am commmitted to graduating from PBA, but my committment can only go as far as my desire for it. So, what feeds my desire to educate, and continue grad school? Acheivement and success. When I feel successful and a sense of acheivement, I want to continue. Same with my kids.

Do I feel a sense of acheivement and success? No. Not with my children or my education. I feel like a failure. My daughter is way, way behind and will be held back this year, my son has taken second grade twice; although the second time around has been a vast improvement, I still feel as though I failed him. However, this is the first time in years I've witness failure with regards to my daughter and school. I am very sad. Sad that she gave up, sad that she lost sight of her goal, sad that she made poor choices.

Why would this cause me to want to surrender my own education? Good question.
I feel like a failure. That sense of failure is like an electric blanket that keeps me warm on a cold night. It covers all. But is it true? Auh. Now that's an even better question.
Truth. My daughter is going to fail 7th grade and because I am her teacher, I feel as though it is my fault. Enter truth. We had an agreement, a pact. She failed to meet it. So, it is my fault? No. But what's to prevent me from feeling this way. Truth. That's all there is. The truth is she did not take her education seriously, she chose to play when she should have been studying. She chose to day dream when she should have been working. She chose to deceive rather than face the truth. That hurts me because I love her so much and want to see her be successful. I am sad because I trusted her and thought she was going to be responsible. I was wrong and feel as though it is my fault for giving her responsibility she wasn't ready for.

But hang on.... As a parent, is it not my job to monitor and set limits and monitor some more in order to gadge the level of trust and responsibility? Uh, that would be affirmative. I spent a long time in prayer and gave her responsibility for what I knew she could handle. She had proven her level of responsibility to me through three years of homeschooling. It had steadily been on the rise. We talked it over, made agreements with each other and it was all said and done.

It reminds me of going to the doctors and you find out you have a heart condition and the only remedy is a healthy diet and moderate exercise. The doctor tells you what you need, you agree and then leave. Now, you are on your own. You know what you should do, but are you going to do it. You are responsible enough to do it, so will you? Will it be easy? No. But that's not the point. The point is this: Do you want to live or die.

As it relates to my daughter, does she want to pass or fail? Apparently, she would rather fail. Question. Is it the doctor's fault, then when you return for your check-up and your conditions have worsened and now you need a transplant? Of course not. You chose to live your life the way you wanted it, to have fun and play; while sacrificing your health.
Question. Is it my fault then, when my daughter returns for her evaluation and she shows me little work. No, of course not. She chose to live her life the way she wants it and have fun and play; while sacrificing her education.

The trouble isn't with me knowing that it is not my fault, the trouble is with feeling that it is not my fault. I didn't fail her. She failed herself. That doesn't make me feel any better.

Now, should I give up my education because my daughter will repeat 7th grade?
Of course not. I'd be an idiot. But it doesn't change the feel of it. I am committed to my education and I am committed to my children's education. Should I then take them out of school completely because they have failed. It's called truancy ... and No! I like staying out of jail, thank-you. Failure happens. It does not define who we are or what we are. It just means we failed. It doesn't mean I am a failure, it just means that my daughter failed 7th grade. If is sounds like I am still trying to convince myself that it isn't my fault somehow, you would be correct in your assertions.
I will still be their teacher and their mom and their biggest cheerleader.
No matter where they are.
I will still feel like I have failed them from time to time.
No matter where they are.
I guess that's why they call it parenting. But that's a whole nother bolg ... stay tuned.