Presence not Presents

What are you planning for Christmas this year?

Have you made promises to your family you can't make?

Have you offered them things you know you can't attain?

Feeling guilty? Feeling ashamed, embarrassed?

Believe it or not, not one single thing you put under that tree will replace you.

You children need you more than they need the latest advances in technology; and gettin down to the nitty gritty; you're only buying it to get close to them anyway.

Has it worked yet? All the things you have bought them; all the things they have asked for? You buy it to please them, to offer part of yourself to them, and yet where are they now?

Are they any closer to you now? Have all those gifts brought them nearer to you?

The answer is no, and you an I both know it.

What your children need is not presents but rather presence.

Your presence is by far more important than any gift you purchase for them based on simple want and desire, rather than need.

They don't need any of the things on the list; they want it.

What they need is you.

More of you.

All the things they have from you are just ways to replace you; it's safer that way, maybe even more reliable. When they turn to their multiple games (Xbox, playstations, Wii, etc), they know what to expect. When they turn to their multitude of friends they know what to expect.

But what about you?

When they turn to you, do they know what to expect?

Or are you an ever changing and unavailable person; proving yourself untrustworthy. In other words, "why should you be any different than anyone else whose abandoned me?"

Choose to offer them presence. Your presence; your time, not your money and your presents.

A simple conversation, cleaning their room together, help them with homework, sit with them, sit next to them, give them a hug, high five, the list goes on.

It isn't easy. Trust me, I know.

When you want so much for what you give them to be reciprocated, and it isn't.

It hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to just give them what they ask for so that at least it feels like you are being loved and appreciated for the time being; plus it's safer for you as well.

Guess what? Your kids feel the same. They avoid you, say things and do things that sting like a bee. It hurts like hell inside.

Don't give up. Just as you are holding on by a thread most days, trust me, so are your kids.
They need you.
They need to know you will be there.
They need to know that no matter what they say or do, you aren't leaving and you aren't sending them away.


You can show this to them by just spending time with them.
Presence not presents is what matters this Christmas.

Know that I Love you!
Hang in there; you are not alone in this journey.

Who says you can't be emotional?

What makes you think you can't display anger?

What about sadness?

Now why is it you shouldn't show your tears; allow them a voice?

Says who?

Your shrink? Your new found book?

What is the worst that could happen if you demonstrated how you felt?

You really believe that? How much do you believe that? Would it really make a difference?

Your child has probably suffered significant trauma.

Your child may not even know what any other emotion looks like outside of anger (unhealthy anger at that).

So, really, what's wrong with showing your child how you feel? Why would you hide it?

And did you know when you hide it from them, you are hiding it from yourself.

When you are sad, tell them and show them you are sad. Let the tears come; let them flow, give your tears a voice. Be an advocate for your feelings and your child.

When you are angry, tell them and show it (in a healthy way, of course); the same goes for any emotion. Let them be aware of your anger and the intensity of it; hence the reason you may have to give yourself a time out. The same goes for your sadness. If you are overwhelmed, obviously give your self some time away from the situation, but let your child know what is happening with you.

And please, do not blame them. Just tell them how you feel and whether you can be there or if you need some alone time; some Mommy time.

Tell them what you need. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you need them to wipe your tears, tell them. Tell them you need some away time; a time out for you so you won't say something inappropraite or make them feel bad.

Let them see your emotions; how else will they learn what they look like or what they mean.

You have to understand that many of these children have no idea whatsoever what emotions look like or how to express them. And if you are spending all your precious energy on hiding them from your child because "you don't want to let them to get the best of you or use your emotions to control you" then how will they learn emotions other than rage and anger.

Give your self a chance; give your child a chance to really "see" you for who you are.

You are worth it. You have a right to express how you feel and your child has the right to see it; to "see" you. How else will they know?

So, the next time you are sad, cry. Tell them "I could really use a hug right now". If they say no, it's ok ... It's not about you. They probably don't know what to do with that. It's ok. Give them time to process it. Maybe the next time they see you cry, they will be more willing to give you a hug or wipe your tears.

If they laugh at you, remember, it's not about you. It's about what is going on inside of them. Don't take it personal. They may think they are "victorious" for "making" you cry, but they probably don't have any idea how to cry for themselves. But someday they will, through you. Let your tears be a voice for them. Tell them your tears are for them, not because of them.

And don't forget to tell them how much your tears are a sign of tremendous love and compassion for them. Don't run away from your feelings; know when to take a time out and when to demonstrate healthy emotions.

Take a Breather

Okay parents, it's time for you to take some time for you.

Here's how it goes.

Seriously.

You sit down. Really SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

Anywhere. Sit on the floor for crying out loud.

Now,put your hands on your legs. Relax them.

Next. Close your eyes.
Think of any place you would rather be.
(Forget about what that noice was)

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in.
As if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!
Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

Now, do it again ....
at lest five times.

AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in, as if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

There.
Now that you have fed your brain ...
Go back to being a Mom.

Before you go ...
Look in a mirror.

Right now

And tell yourself ... right now ... in the mirror.

I AM A GOOD MOM!


Take care of your of yourself and know that you are loved and thought of every minute of the day by someone.

Desperation

I know I told many of you that I would not be continuing this blog, but I have been praying and thinking about the possiblility of using this blog for a parent support group that I facilitate through an organization called Beyond Consequences, Inc. (BCI).

Then I read an email and the follow up story from Heather Forbes, co-founder of BCI and friend.

Before you go to the links, try to be open minded and non-judgemental. As angry and hurt as you may be when you read and listen to the reports, there are many things you may never understand.

There are times in life when not everything makes sence and this may be one of those times for you. Through this, I hope you will join me in trying to help those families who raise diffucult children; even those who have been adopted from here, elsewhere or though foster care.

Many of these children have been through so many ordeals as infants and then throughout their childhood; things you may think are of no consequence. Although you may think the trauma of a neglected infant who is then adopted into a loving home is irrelevant. You may not understand how that trauma shows itself in many different ways later on in life. If the adopted family has little support and a great lack of understanding, stressors may arise that are far too difficult for the family to cope.

The following is an excerp from the story:
Neighbors said Sieferman had foreclosed on a home and was having legal problems. During the investigation police found a bloody axe and knife and a note in Sieferman's bedroom that read, "Sorry, I can't deal with them anymore."

Many parents have been in this place before. A place of not being able to deal with their own "adopted" children. A place of no where else to go. A place of utter chaos. A place of desperation; thinking of only one way out: death. Although they may not have gone to the depths as this woman has, I assure you they have reached levels of great stress and pain.

Please, join me in prayer for this woman. Her name is Sylvia. Her children are in critical condition. Their names are Hannah and Linnea.

Although you may be very angry at the mother, please try to understand the how she got to that point before you dare cast your judgement. Remember: judge not, lest you be judged.

There is help. If you are in this place or know of any parents who are in this place; know there is help. There are people who do understand what you (or they) are going through.

Where did she go?

I'm right here!
So, check it out!

I may be leaving ...

Yes. You read that right.

I think I may be moving to wordpress.
However ... I am still figuring it out.
Here's where you can find me (here and there)
www.je55y.wordpress.com

But, I will still be here for a little bit until I can figure wordpress out.
Wow! Blogging is complicated.
But I love it!

Unequally Yoked

Training oxen requires putting two different animals together; ones who have been raised from a different master and teaching them to work for another master: YOU.

This is so atypical to the natural course of things. You take an animal who has already learned what is necessary to get the job done and now you put them in a yoke and force them to relearn it all again!? WHAT?
That's crazy!

You know why it's important? Because you are their new master. You have to undo what they have already learned and teach them how to do it your way. It's your job as their new master.

Each time they are yoked together they will learn something; either something profitable for them or not. It is extremely uncomfortable for the oxen to be unqually yoked during their training; but it is essential. Here's the interesting part: They will challenge everything you do as their new master. Why? Because they will continue to create ways to have their own needs met.

Oxen will follow the rules of the master. If they think they are the master of their own domain; they will do what they please; however, if they know you are their master, they will follow your rules. But first you need to show them who's boss. You must prove yourself worthy, worthy to follow, to trust and provide for them.

Training them is not just about who's boss. It's about whether or not you are a trustworthy leader. They need to know you can be trusted to take care of them; to apply what you say; to be consistent. You must earn your respect as a leader. Remember, it is extremely uncomfortable for two seperate oxen to be paired together.

By showing you are a good leader, you must break the bad habits: yours and theirs. They will learn through the value of consequences. This requires a vast amount of commitment and follow through. You cannot let them do something you have not taught them, you cannot allow them to disobey or run off. Any time they disobey, you must teach them a lesson; the longer they disobey, the longer the lesson. They need to learn who is in charge.

It is far better to start with the young than the old. Once you have trained a young ox, they submit to your authority more readily than an elder. With an elder, more "mature" ox, you must constantly show them who's in charge. What a pain, right? It is important to train them while they are young, because once the young are older, they will be much larger than you and yet you will still be able to control them: you have already earned their trust. Once you have been established as their leader, the oxen will respect you. They will heed to your commands.

Now, you may be asking what the heck this has to do with being unequally yoked... Well, according to scripture Jesus tells us not to be unequally yoked. First read the verse:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” II Corinthians 6:14-17

Okay, so what in the world does that mean and why am I writing about training oxen....

First of all, let me first say that I am sad to hear of so many believers I know getting married to those who aren't ... and then they aren't happy with the results. It saddens me. And most of the believers are women married to men they think they can "win over". Okay, well scripture does say we, as women, can win them over without saying a word ...but ... it isn't working.

Here's why .... ladies .... first of all, you are not the head of the household. Now hold on all you feministic fanatics out there ... I'm not saying what you do and say doesn't matter in the house. I am saying that the man is the head, the leader, the Oh captain, my captain of the ship. I didn't set it up that way: God did. Ephesians 5:21-25

It's all about love and respect. If you respect him, you will be willing to serve him. If he feels this from you, he will love you and be willing to serve you. It's odd, I know - but it works because God set it up that way and I know if you just do it that way, it works. It will.

However ... however, I love that word ... However, if you don't do it that way ... there will be conflict. Now there's a word I don't like. So ... imagine if you will you are standing on a chair. Now, imagine there is someone standing next to you. Now ... try to pull them up on the chair with you. No, they cannot help you. No one is there to help you. You have to do it with only your strength.
It is impossible. In fact, the person may end up pulling you off the chair and hurting you and themselves. You being on the chair represents you as a believer in Christ; a citizen of Heaven; higher in stature; position (but by no means in arrogance).

I've tried it. Trust me. I have not once been able to pull a person up to the chair without help. A lot of help. That being said ... how many times have you tried to convince someone to think the way you think; believe what you believe; feel what you feel? You can't. You just can't do it.

So then, why would you think if you marry the guy (or the girl) you will be able to change them to believe and feel what you feel.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah, I can't, but God can. And you're right, God can ...BUT ... he said don't do it. He said don't do it. He said DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED.

Now, I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to not like being told what to do. And I also have this tendency to think that I can change someone. It doesn't work that way.

Only God can change people ... and that person has to be willing; they have to be open; they have to have their heart softened towards God. And only God can do that. No matter what you say ... only God has the power to change some one's thoughts, beliefs and feelings towards him.

I know you might also be thinking that love will conquer all and you can win them over with your love. That won't work either. Only the love of Christ will truly win them over. I know you love them a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be with them, but only God can truly turn their lives around. Marrying them does not open a door to change. Trust me. I'm married. There is no changing him. He will change if he is convicted by God, not convinced by me.

You see, God set things up the way he did for a reason. Just like training an ox to follow your rules, God uses Jesus and his teachings to train us to follow his rules. The oxen don't like to be told what to do any more than you and I; however, when they finally submit to the authority of their master, they are blessed. Blessed with positive consequences.

I know you love them. But sometimes the act of love is letting go. Sometimes if you genuinely love them (and yourself) you have to be willing to be obedient to God first. In doing so, hey, you never know, God may honor your obedience by turning their heart towards him and eventually back towards you. Only God knows.

Trust that God knows what he is doing. And just like your parents, who sometimes had you do things you didn't want to do, and maybe you did it and maybe you didn't. No matter what you decided, there were consequences to your actions. If you obeyed, it was good. If you disobeyed, it was not so good. And I'm sure you didn't like it, but it was good for you and it taught you right from wrong; good from bad. It taught you to honor and obey; to trust.

There is a perfectly good reason why God puts these rules out there for us, like it or not; they are to protect us and keep us from getting hurt: hurt by others and hurt by ourselves.

Now, I leave you with this. My sister-in-law married my brother. Out of love. She is a believer, my brother is not. He left her. For his best friends' wife. They have a daughter. Her name is Nikki. She is six.

A non-believer will do what non-believers do; just as an ox will do as he pleases, unless he is under the proper authority. In this case: God's.
They will pull you down from the chair. And the whole time they were doing it ... you thought you were still up there. My sister-in-law is only now beginning to realize when she started falling off the chair.

Jesus is our master. He knows the uncomfortableness of being unequally yoked. He knows the pains, the hardship. Just as the master of the oxen must be patient and consistent and loving; our God will be that way with us. It is difficult for the master to train those who are unequal; it takes a long time. But it is much more painful for the oxen; and they don't have a choice, whereas you do.

Be careful. I know you love them, I am not discounting that. Love is a great and powerful thing; but so is God. And his love is above all the love you can imagine.

A Broken Leg

Did you know that sheep are pretty dumb animals?
Did you also know that the Bible refers to believers as sheep?
Logic would then tell us that we are pretty dumb.
Therefore, we need a shepherd.
Hence, Christ.

However, did you also know that sheep, being the dumb creatures they are will follow the lead of another dumb sheep ... and not the shepherd? Yup. The other sheep will just follow along having no clue whatsoever of where they are going or what they are doing.

They know one thing: follow that sheep.
The shepherd maybe calling the lead sheep and the lead sheep is not returning.
The other sheep continue to follow.

So what's a shepherd to do?
Go get the trouble making dumb sheep who is leading the others astray, break its leg and carry it over his shoulder until the leg heals.

During that time of healing, the sheep whose leg gets broken learns the shepherd's voice and learns to trust the shepherd. When the sheep's leg is healed, the shepherd releases the sheep.

Guess what the sheep does then?
The sheep stays with the shepherd.
He no longer wonders off for others to follow it.

Now, that's not to say that others won't try and do the same thing, but at least one has learned its lesson.

Jesus says, the sheep know me and they know my voice.
John 10:4, 14, 27
In fact, just read all of John 10, because all is lost without proper context. As Bobb Biehl says, "Nothing is meaningful without context." Nicely put.

Jesus is trying to say that he knows his people. He knows us.
He also knows that there are those among us who will try to convince us of things that are not true; are not of God. Satan, our enemy will use those closest to you to convince you of things; he will use those closest to you to hurt you and pull or push your buttons.

If we are close to Jesus, and if we have all been broken, which we have; logically speaking: all of us like sheep have gone astray - Isaiah 53:6... so ... that being said, if we have all been broken, and we are all like sheep, then we, too know the voice of our shepherd. We learn to trust and obey him; to stay close to him.

So ... then, why is it that we still struggle with believing what we hear from others and leave our shepherd's side?

Here's what I think.
I think it's because we trust those around us to know what they are talking about.
I believe it is in our nature to believe in those closest to us; especially those we trust, those we believe to also be spiritual and religious and Christ-like.
However, there are many Christ followers who are not exactly who they claim to be.
We've all been there.
We've all been those people who say we care, but we really don't.
We've all be hypocritical (and if you say aren't, guess what? You just made yourself one).

We are all human ... and that's the problem.

So, what to do ... what to do?
Well, definately pray.
Be close to your shepherd.
Spend time with him every day and seek him out.
Filter what others say to you through God's word and through your own prayer life.
If it sounds hinky, it probably is.
Plus, if it is in direct contradiction to what you know is true, guess what, don't believe it then.
Sometimes if you just use your common sense ... it should tell you something.
If you believe something to be true because there is no other reason to believe otherwise, until someone or something comes around to convince you otherwise ... maybe you should ask yourself why they are trying to convince you of something different. Maybe they have an agenda.

I know I have gone through this with my family; it's family .. what can you do?
I have also gone through it with some of my good friends from church (who are no longer involved with the same church and are no longer good friends).
And that's a good thing.
It's good because ...
It has taught me who to trust.
It has taught me to be more careful with what I believe.
It has caused me to pause when I hear things and filter it through the word of God and the voice of my shepherd.
It has caused me to be thankful for what has happened in order to teach me what to look out for next time.
It has caused me to reflect more than I ever thought necessary; reflect on the past in light of the present with a hope for the future.
It has caused me to be less judgemental and more open to what God may be teaching me in the moment.
It has also taught me the value of one's character and integrity.
It has also taught me the most valuable lesson of all:
Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.
Did I mention it has taught me to trust God?

There have been countless amount of times that I have wanted to trust the person, the circumstance or my own thoughts.... It is impossible.
Even when what I hear and believe doesn't make any sense: I need to Trust God!

We've all been broken.
Therefore, we should all know the voice of our shepherd.
However, it is our choice as to whether we will listen to him, others or ourselves.
I choose to listen to him; lest I be led astray.

Be bold.
Be great.
Read Barbaric Grace

Feeling a "little" Liberated

I am reading this book called Barbaric Grace written by some guy with some vision ... my pastor! It is amazing.
I cannot tell you how inspired this book has made me to do something I had only dreams and visions of. For years now, ever since moving to O-town I have had a desire to help the homeless, vegabonds and the prostitutes. I just don't know how to ... yet.
I thought I had this burden before I went to the Domincan Republic; since coming back two and a half years ago ... it is still there. The voices are not getting any quieter ... and no, I am not some schizoid dellusionary ...
When my husband and I retire I still pray on going back there to teach English and give hope to those children (like the one you see in this picture); hope of a future; a future with plans of prosperity, joy and peace that can only come from Christ.

Now I know and realize there are many out there who take advantage of sorry saps like me who have a heart for the disadvantaged, but here it is ...
It's simple, yet so incredably silly.
I thought about buying a bunch of bread (which is like three bucks for two loafs at BJ's wholesale - not bad) and some peanut butter; honey, fluff, jelly and butter.
Not done yet ... hold on to your hats.
Make a whole mess of sandwhiches of different callabor; obviously not every one likes peanut butter and jelly and then pass them out ... oh and milk. Can't have peanut butter without milk.
Or ... or ... I could make and bring hot dogs and buns with ketchup, mustard, sauercraut ... yummy. But then I would need someplace to keep them warm ... And I think I would need a permit for a hot dog stand ... not at all what I have in mind right now.

But first. I need to know where they all hang out. Now, before all the construction on the 408 and I-4 (thank you very much); and the blue laws activated, it was obvious where the homeless and the prostitutes hung out ... BUT NOW ... I can't find their hang out ... so how can I pass out sandwhiches to people I can't find?
I can't.

So .. what to do ....
What to do.

I really don't know yet.
I think I can maybe go to the police station and ask them where the vegabonds are hanging out now a days ... but I think they may think me crazy ...
So, I don't really like the looks of that idea ...

So why would I go through all this trouble and money and time for people who may only just take advantage of someone like me ...
Well now ... THAT is a good question.
One which deserves an answer.
I have this burden.
It bugs the hell out of me.
Everytime I see a homeless person I can't help but think of ways to help them.
You have no idea the hours I spend thinking up things. Hours. I hate it.
Everytime I see what looks to be a prostitute (it's hard now a days because so many young ladies dress so provocatively, I can't hardly tell anymore) I just want to help them out somehow. But how?
How do I do so in a genuine way without getting hurt, without hurting them and still answer the greatest question of all: how do I communicate Christ to them in a sincere, loving, genuine way without making Christ look like me?
Because, after all, it's not about me.
It's about him!

How do I bring them the good news without scaring them
off with "church-I-ness"?
Punn intended.

How do I get them to see that not all church people are the same?
They know all about the gospel and God and his goodness; trust me.
If they have been to any one of the shelters, they've heard it all ... and yet ... where are they? Why do some of us continue to act as though we have no responsibility to them when cleary Jesus commands us to take care of them?

I'm not saying you HAVE to do something; but clearly you have to do what God is screaming in your ear (or heart) to do ... or at least it's what it seems like.

I'm still in the pilot stage of my thinking ... It's a thought ... it's a prayer ... it's a burden ... it's frankly a pain in my neck!
Don't you know I would rather think on ANY OTHER thing or person in the whole world than to think on someone who CHOOSES (or do they?) to be where they are when I drive by and see them standing there. Don't you know I think of the same excuses you do (or not) when I see them and CHOOSE not to act.
You see, there I go again!
I could write on this all day!

Please pray for God to reveal HIMSELF to me in this.
I want to be in his footsteps and set a good example for his sake not my own agenda.
Do I even have one? I don't know ... I just know what bothers me and I also know where visions start and how they start and how they begin, or not begin and therefor die ... I have lots of things I'd rather be thinking about and doing; but this ... this things I keep thinking about it bugging me....

I figured it out!

I Love a Rainy Night!

I Love a Rainy Night

I love thunder storms.
I love the rain.

I love a rainy night.
I love to hear the thunder,
Watch the lightning when it lights up the sky.
I love a rainy night ..
ooh. ooh.
Well I love a rainy night.
ooh. ooh.
You know it makes me feel good.


Eddie Rabbitt sings that song.
I love that song.
I remember when I was young, my Daddy used to sing that song to me as I sat on his lap.
He would tap out the beat with is legs as I would bounce on his lap.
Funny now as I think of it, but I really love rain storms.

If you haven't heard that song, you gotta '>hear it now.

I love being reminded of the time I spent with my Daddy, too.
But the rain storms do more than that.
They also remind me of how powerful, majestic and creative my heavenly Daddy is, too!

He is so creative. How beautiful and scary the storms are.
How loud and destructive.
Yet so reflective of his majestic nature.

I love the rain, the storms and all that it brings.
It brings tragedy and closeness.
It ruins picnics and baseball games, but yet brings growth.
It brings floods and yet washes away the unnecessary.

Our heavenly father is the creator of that.
He brings tradegy into our lives but draws us near to him as a result.
He allows our family and fun time and yet he stretches to become better.
He floods our lives with his inconceivableness and washes away our ugliness; our selves.

How great is he!
How marvelous!
How wonderful!
The master of it all!

Desolation

The definition of desolation, according to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (2004), states it is grief; sadness; loneliness; devastation; ruin; a barren wasteland.

Have you ever isolated something or someone (including yourself) to the point where it becomes a wasteland or the person you see becomes grief stricken or lonely?

I've seen it, I've felt it, I've experienced it. We all have. The point is what we do in order to stay far from ruin or allowing someone or something to become ruined.
That's rather difficult.
Why? Because our enemy would like nothing more than to think separating ourselves from others is a safe place. Keeping our distance from others and things we once enjoyed is okay; it's acceptable; everything will be okay. Going away to be alone, to isolate ourselves from those who care for us, even is our darkest and weakest moments is comfortable. At least these are the things that our enemy tells us ... and we believe it.

It takes effort to actually do the opposite; to create an atmosphere of acceptance, nurture and love, no matter what. If you believe the former stuff about being alone to contemplate what has gone wrong, then explain why (ladies), somewhere deep inside you long for someone to come after you, you desire someone to seek you out, to come and find you. I say Ladies, because I know very few who walk away to be alone who actually want to be alone ... (that's a hint to all you men reading this who have ladies who up and walk out of the room ... um ... go. go. go. At least ask her if she's alright or wants some help... maybe she is just putting laundry away, but she wants to know that you care about what she is doing, just as she shows you she cares).

OK, I'll get off my soap box.

So, why is it that we all seem to feel safer going off by ourselves, when clearly, it is not safer because we then isolate ourselves from those who can bring us comfort, reassurance and prayers? Now, I'm not saying to go off to be alone in prayer. Yes, do that. Yes, go off and be alone to pray; even our Lord did that ... many times. But he didn't stay there. He came back to those he loved and those who loved him. He didn't stay away from them. And when he did, those who loved him, guess what ... they sought him out. At times, it did seem rather like hounding, but Jesus knew their hearts. He knew they needed him and still did not quite understand his need for the Father ... or who he was for that matter.

Isolation with our Heavenly Father is good. He stills our thoughts and quiets our hearts. He brings reassurance and peace. However, staying there for too long leads to destruction; especially if your alone time no longer includes the Father; but rather you and all your self-loathing.

Our enemy would love that more than anything; for you to forsake the Father and your need for him; to find the resolution on your own; to talk to yourself and reassure yourself rather than talk to the Father and wait for his reassurance.

Surround yourself with prayer warriors; people who will pray for your needs continually; people who will pray for your protection and spiritual survival. Our battle is not between flesh, although at times it feels that way (I know I've wanted to throw a few punches now and again). Our battle is between good and evil; sin and death; light and darkness; things of this world that cannot be seen. Remember that our enemy can use other people for his weapons of destruction; that includes your spouses, children, friends and family. Pray for protection; guidance, wisdom and discernment.

Allow those around you to pray for you. I know it may cause you to be vulnerable and weak; but Christ's strength will trump any weakness. Trust God above all things; don't try to understand things on your own; for there are many things happening around you that are beyond logic and reason; trust that God knows what he is doing and he doesn't need your help. If he was strong enough to conquer death, he is strong enough to conquer your problems.

I know how difficult it may be to trust, because people hurt and people are disloyal and sometimes untrustworthy; but our Father is loyal, trustworthy and competant. He will not abandon you in your time of need and he will send help; pray for wisdom and discernment in knowing what they help "looks like".

Beautiful People

Two of the people in this picture most of you know as my son and daughter. The others in the picture, although you may not know them, you have heard me speak of them often.

They are my man's children from his previous relationships/marriages. They are beautiful.

Being married to a man with a past is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Nearly every day I learn something new about him, his family, his past.

Being a mother to children who want nothing to do with me is also very difficult. My man thinks I try too hard; I don't think I try hard enough and the children who don't live with us don't care whether I try or not. The cold hard truth is: they don't care about me; nor do they have to. It doesn't matter how I see it; the impotant thing for me is to understand how they see it. Whether is makes any sense; whether it is rational or irrational - it doesn't matter. What matters is how they interpret the things around them and my comprehension of and reaction to that.

When I married my man, I married him for who he was and is and everything he brought and brings into the marriage; that includes his children. The two who live with us love their Dad and I dearly, although we have our difficulties just as any other blended family. However, the others ... well, that's a whole nother story.

How do I love someone who doesn't love me?
How do I show someone I care about them when they could care less about me?
How do I keep trying and pushing forward when all my attempts are thwarted?
How do I keep forgiving someone who deliberately hurts me?

Some of you reading this think you understand what's it's like; but I doubt it.
You can only truly understand once you've been down a similar road.

So ... what to do ... what to do.
As of now, I am attempting to forgive 70 times 7. Thank you very much Peter for asking Jesus how many times we should forgive our brethren. I really appreciate the visual now.
No really, thanks. I can understand why you really wanted to know...

Now, I am attempting to unmask the bitter taste of anger and betrayal.
Now, I am working my way back to freedom by learning how to develop a safety net of friends and a support system around me to protect me from future hurts and pain.
Now, I am learning what to look for and how to have compassion and empathy for those who hurt me because of who I represent; and for what they do not understand.
Now, I will learn to be more proactive rather than reactive and learn to see through Satan's guise. Key word: learn.

Not an easy task; but necessary.
Necessary for my marriage, my sanity and security.
Necessary for my walk, my representation and the beautiful people in my life.
Just plain necessary.
I would ask you to pray, but I have no idea what exactly to ask you to pray for.
I am at a loss. I don't even know what to pray; what to ask for; what to beg for.
Intersession is needed from the highest of highs.
True intersession.

And for those of you with step parents: be gentle, be kind.
And remember, if you truly honor, love and repect your biological parents; you would, in turn honor, love and repect them for and in their choice of a spouse.

Waiting

Have you ever been waiting for something to come about? Something important maybe ... or maybe not really important, but rather interesting or something new and exciting?

In Greece, a place called Pikermi just outside of Athens on Maraothon Road, we were waiting for the bus. A bus taking us to the port of Rafina. Obviously, I had never been there and was anxious to see where it was we were going.

It was beautiful there. The beach was calm and the sun was setting. The air was cool and calm; things were quite.

Although it was wonderful to be there, I desperately missed my family and friends in O-Town. It is such an incredible experience, but it isn't the same when you are waiting ... waiting to go home.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time; learned a lot about the culture and about my fellow classmates, however, I longed to be back home.

So patiently awaiting for a bus, a plane, a change.
I know I waited and am still waiting. Not for a bus or a plane this time, but a change.
A change that I have no control over; except for the change of my own self.

Now that I am home, I need an emotional, spiritual, physical and psychological make-over.
I have been waiting for those around me to change; when really, I need to change and accept others for who they are.

Not an easy undertaking. People, if you haven't noticed at times, can be quite fickle and quite frankly, a PITA (pain in the ... ) - particularly family members.

People, including myself, do things based on their own value system; things that are important to them, things that spur them in a particular direction. The direction they take, their attitudes, their downfalls and shortcomings, how they handle themselves ( or not ) depends on their values; or lack there of.

There are some people I have met over the course of my life that value themselves; and you can clearly see it in their behavior, attitude and actions, as well as their character - Their abc's shall we say: Attitude, Behavior and Character.

There are many more people in my life, praise God, that value others. Praise God.
I thank him for putting more of those people in my path than those who value themselves.

It makes me so angry when God doesn't move in the direction I think he should when it comes to values. Especially when my values are being challenged. However, then I become those who value their own values over those who value others.

So, what to do ... what to do ...
Here is what I am setting out to do.
Focus on the value of others. Get a handle on what it is they are communicating with their abc's and find their values. It should be obvious. Once I have established what that person values, I can then better communicate with them ( or maybe not, but it's a start ).

If someone values themselves, well, the choice for me is obvious; don't put a lot of stock into what they are saying. They may be blowing smoke somewhere unmentionalble.
I'm not sure if I'm right or if I am wrong; but somewhere along life's journey for me, I need to value other's values whether I agree with them or not. I need to learn how to demonstrate that in a more compassionate and understanding way ... not to win them over, but rather to understand them as a whole person; whether I like them this way or that way or not.
I can't choose who my family or my family-in-law's are any more than you can; so now is the time to take action and commit to better understanding those around me.

I need to tell myself this: I don't need to like what they are doing or how they make me feel; but I do need to ( big gulp here ) love them for who they are: a person who God loves and is here for a reason, just like me; whether I like that reason or not. Maybe they are my thorn ... zoiks!
And you all know how that story ended ... if not read it in II Corinthians 12:7-10.
All for the sake of keeping me from vain conceit; after all, who gave me what I have today?
Not you, not me, not my family or my man; God.

And so I wait. Not for a plane or a bus, but a change to take place in me; not in others, although that would be nice, however, what would I learn ... exactly.

Keep this in mind as you live and grow
God loves you more than you'll ever know
All your mistakes and troubled past
Are gone like the wind; they won't last
He loves and accepts you for who you are
Whether you are close or from afar
Maybe you say "I don't like what I see"
Then take a good look at the you that is me
Don't soon forget what has happened before
And remember one's window is another one's door
-JES

Home Coming Celebration!

I cannot wait to board that plane and come on home tomorrow! The thought of seeing my man.

Greece has been a rewarding experience, but I find myself longing to be in the comfort of my own home.

I can now imagine what it must be like for those who venture to the states in a effort to make life better for their family; they find work and a place to live. They spend many months saving in order to one day bring their family to the states.

It is very difficult for me to be away from my family for as long as I have. I do so much and being here, I have done so little; it makes me feel at times, useless. I know it is not true; however, I feel empty without my family with me. My friends help and allow me to get away and enjoy life away from them, but I can accomplish more with them by my side.

I miss them deeply and I cannot wait to see their faces, to hold them in my arms; to kiss their cheeks and hear "I love you".

I don't know how pastors do it; spending so much time away from their families; building churches, visiting churches, planting churches, evangalizing; all this away from their spouses and children. Impressive!

I pray the Lord will bless my family as I have been away. I pray the Lord will continue to bless the efforts of those who spend time away from their family in order to better understand other cultures; other people; other nations; with compassion, peace, and the Love only God can provide through his son Jesus Christ!

I am sorry I have not written much while I have been here. The internet is not always friendly as I would like it to be ... I will write about things that transpired while I was here when I return to the states. I have missed you all deeply and I genuinely look forward to seeing you again.

I send with you my love and my prayers!

Greece

There is a subway in Greece, ok. And when they were constructing it ... wouldn't you know they found a bunch of stuff.
Some of the artifacts found date back to King David. Can you believe it?

It is amazing here.
So different from the United States.
Road signs, speed limits, driving, walking (which by the way there is a lot of it here; some thing the US has forgotten how to do), the transit system ... golly there is a lot of things so different - including sidewalk. ... What side walks?

I could so live here. It is so amazing; however, they are Greek Orthedox.
Don't know a lot about it, but they basically believe the same as the Catholic's, but a little bit "tweaked". There is a lot more than that, like the great skism and such, but the important thing to note is that those who are not Greek Orthodox are treated as Heathens.

You aren't even aloud in the Church. Can't even take a picture of a priest. You could actually get arrested for it.

Tomorrow we are headed to a convent nearby Pakirmi; which is where we are now located.
I hope I have more time to blog every day that I am here ... I haven't blogged in forever and I ask you to forgive me for not taking it as seriously as I should.

Thank you fellow readers!
I love you all and I miss you terribly.

Se Agapo!

A Tribute to my GRANDma

This is my Grandmother. Isn't she so cute?
This picture was taken at my Granddaddy's 80th
birthday party. I call her "Shorty" because she keeps shrinking.
In this picture, my Grandma wanted, of her and my brother (ain't he handsome), she told him he'd have to sit down and he said, "No I don't. Watch.", so you see him squatting down to her level in order to make her feel better about not being so tiny compared to him in the picture. That's why she's laughing and her cheeks are so red.

On Memorial day most of you were out picnicing/BBQing with your family and having a great time; hey so was I, well I was BQQing and working on a paper, so I was sort of having a good time; at least the food was good.

My Grandma and Granddaddy were at a birthday party for one of the great grandbabies; when around 3:00pm, my Grandma said she didn't feel very well. She wanted to go home and go to bed but others around her convinced her to go to the hospital (considering some of the people there had had their share of problems, she agreed). They called 911 and went to the hospital.

Once there, they discovered she'd suffered a heart attack and was rushed into surgery where she was given three stents.
I found out from my brother, whom you see in this picture. I received the call when I was on my way home from my brother-in-laws home; around 6:30pm.

After speaking with my brother, I called my Granddaddy; he said my Grandma was fine and would be coming home in a couple of days. I spoke with my mom for a little while and then called the hospital to see how things were going. BTW 411 is not a very good info provider; especially when you are trying to find out a number for a hospital; and you're crying.

So, the nurse I spoke with said she was doing well. She was in ICU, and would be moved to a room outside of ICU on Tuesday. I called Tuesday at 6:30am to see how she was doing; the nurses reported fine and she would be moved later in the afternoon; which she was. I called back when she was moved to her room and was able to speak with her; the kids spoke with her and told her their concerns and how much they loved her.

My Grandma is the lady who made sure I went to church; made sure I knew about Jesus, made sure I listened; was polite, repectful; kind, lady-like.
I am her Angel and she is my Guardian Angel.

I love her so deeply; she practically raised me; she is like a Mom to me.
She is perfect. She is wholesome and gente;
She is kind and warmhearted.
She prays every chance she gets;
She journals so she won't foget.
She takes care of her husband and laughs at his jokes.
She loves her man and he loves her back;
They argue at times; then forgive and forget.
She is an example of purity and wisdom;
She is goodness and love; hearty and fun.
She is mercy and grace all rolled up in one.
She prays for me;
She's my guardian angel.
Without her prayers;
God knows where I'd be...

Thank you Lord for my Grandma.
Thank you for what she has taught me
In words and in action
I've watched her all my life
And ya know what I saw?
I saw You.
I saw Jesus.
I saw Love
I saw Mercy.
I saw me.



I love you Grandma.

A Tribute to my Daddy

I love you Daddy.
You are the funniest guy on Earth.
I miss you so much.
You always make me laugh, even when I am the saddest girl on the planet.
After being cheated on, dumped; when you found out I started smoking at the age of 24, when I hate fights with my mom; you were always there; even though you weren't really 'there'.
I keep trying to convince you to come to Florida, but you'd rather stay in New York, with your air conditioning and walk around with your cut off jeans.
I love the funny faces you make; playing silly games like spoons and Janga.
No matter what you always seemed to have a smile on your face.
You taught me how to love people, even when they are being a complete jackass.
You taught me how to accept people for who they are, even when they are an idiot.
You taught me how to be sincere and genuine about how I feel, no matter what anyone else might think.
I'll be in Greece for Father's day, but I wanted to start a tribute to you now.
I hope you know how much I love you, Daddy!

Thank you for teaching me to love my mom even when she can be the most unlovable person around. Thank you for loving your wife; thank you for teaching me what staying together through all the yuck looks like. Thank you for teaching me how to get over the pain; to move on and to laugh.

I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all you do for your family, for your beautiful wife and children. Thank you for teaching me what family is all about. Thank you for always having the right things to say, even when I didn't want to talk about it.

Thank you, Daddy.

A Fail-a-phobic

Sorry for not writing in a couple of days... been thinkin ...

I gotta tell ya, God has a way of gettin to ya when ya least expect it ...

How do I know?

I listen to music, I read books, I read my daily email devotions, I listen to my friends, family and spouse, and most recently, I know because I attend this church called C3, and heard my Pastor.

This past Mother's Day felt like the Twighlight Zone.
I sat there listening to the message; not knowing what to expect ... we have church in the theater, but it's not like there's theatrical trailers, ya know.
Ya never know what to expect ... well, that's not all together true.
Ya know the theme, but ya just don't know excatly what the topic of conversation is going to be.

I didn't like this one.
Probably because it hit a nerve that I don't like to expose or even acknowledge at times.
I know it's there, but I don't like knowing it's there.

The nerve is a fear .. a fear of failure.
You name the failure and I'm afraid of it.

I'm a mother, a sister, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a friend.
I'm a wife, an employee, a mentor, a fellow collegue, a future counselor.
I am afriad to fail at each of these.
To the point of tears; literally, I cry at the mere thought of it.

SO, Mother's Day began well greeting people at the door, praying for new comers, and then praising and worshiping God, followed by listening to the Preacherman preach it.

To my surprise, you guessed it, he spoke about failure.
Thanks. Of couse, if I had known he was going to torture me with that lesson, I would have found a reason not to sit in on the shpeel; I would have stayed greeting people, or mingling with people waiting for the next service.

So's he starts talkin about this guy Peter in the Bible, who's a real ass ya know.
No kidding.
He's enjoys the taste of "sole" and I don't mean fish.

He's impulsive at times, he's irrational, arrogant, pompous, a showboat.
He reminds me of me when I'm not careful.
But the most times he reminds me of me is when he is scared he won't measure up; he rests on his own abilities and hopes Jesus is who is said he is ... or else he's in real trouble.

Like when he said he's never betray Jesus, or when he cut the ear off the soldier who came to arrest Jesus, or when he walked on water and began to sink, or like when he Jesus took them to a special place to see Moses and Elijah he wanted to build a tent; even the Bible tells us "He did not know what he was saying" ...
I gotta be honest, I'm like that in a lot of ways.
I get so excited and self-reliant, I forget who I am and what to say; impulsive; reckless.

My Pastor spoke more specifically about Peter the day he wanted to walk out to Jesus on the water. Ya know Jesus would never tell us "Yeah, go ahead." if he knew we would fail, would he?

Most of you, including myself, would say "Of course not. Jesus wouldn't do that to us. He loves us." I agree. But.

But, how many times have you felt as though Jesus has called you to do something and you fail?
Many times, I betcha. And what do you tell yourself ... "It must not have been a calling." or "I was decieved." But.

But, were you deceived?
Or was it a calling meant for you to fail ... in order to teach you about failure?

Ah Ha!
With the Lords help, my Pastor and many tears (some sustained, obtained and refrained) on Sunday ... I came to the realization that maybe failure is just what Dr. Jesus ordered.

Jesus knew what would happen; I think he knew Peter would begin to fear, take his eyes off from Him and sink. I also think that Jesus knew Peter lost faith in himself.
In himself ... not Jesus; in himself as a believer, as a Christ follower.

The Bible tells us that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
And it also says that all things are possible with Christ.

So, if that's true; and if God never lies.
Then ... then ...
Why is it that we fail ... and some of us fail in our calling, in all things we do, in everything that is attempted for good. Hmmm. Could it be ... hear me now ... could it be that we fail in order to learn to trust ourselves through Christ. Hear me... we are a new creation ... we have died to self ... the spirit of Christ lives within us ... we are the temple of God ...

Therefore, when we attempt to do something we believe to be a calling or we are doing something God has already called us to be (you are a daughter, father, mother - can't change that, sorry) .. ok and then you fail at it ... so ... what's that say?

Does that mean you should quit? You are a failure?
No, it simply means you failed.

Peter sank.
The big deal is that he lost faith in who he was.
He also lost sight of Jesus; but I think more importantly, knowing Peter, he lost faith in himself.
I think he spent a lot of times grooming and trying to be the best he could be.
I think the fear of not meeting Jesus' expectations and the expectations of others weighed heavily upon his shoulders. I know it weighs heavy on me ... and get this ... I'm the one who puts the weight there ... no one else. I think Peter was the same way.

Ya know Jesus knew this and wanted to send a message of faith and inspiration to Peter: In Luke Jesus is having a conversation with Satan ... obviously no one else is aware of it, but Jesus says in chapter 22 that Satan is asking to sift us like wheat. (meaning - kick our butts).
But Jesus says "I have prayed for you (Peter) that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brethren."

Jesus knew he knew knew knew knew knew, Peter was going to turn his back on Jesus, he knew he was going to fail and make a multitude of mistakes ... but he says, "when you have turned back ... strengthen your brethren".

Jesus knows I'm gonna fail. He knows I am terrified of it. ... scared to tears ...
I don't even like to talk about it ... scared.

But when I do fail ... don't lose my faith.
That is faith in myself for who I am in Christ Jesus.
The sweetest name in Earth.

And when (not IF) but when I fail, come back and offer strength to my fellow brothers and sisters whom God loves. Give them strength ...
Why? Cause I know what the feeling of failure looks like, tastes like, feels like, smells like and sounds like.

I will fail. I will cry. I will panic. I will sink. I will cry. I will fear. I will fail.
But.

But...
When I do, I will not lose faith in who God has created me to be. I will not lose faith in who God is and what he expects me to do. I will, as Rascal Flatts puts it, pick myself up off the floor and try it again; offering strength to others around me enduring the same fear.

I have never been more uncomfortable in Church as I remember being Sunday ... due to the message, of course, not the circumstances; I am not ok with it.
But that's ok.

Why? Because ... here's what I have to keep telling myself, so as not to lose faith ..
God is not concerned about my failures ... He is concerned about the reponse to my failures.
Will I cower ... will I run ... will I try again ... will I lose faith ... will I quit ... will I yell ... will I pout ... will I scream ... will I curse ... will I pick myself up off the ground, turn around and become stronger as a result of the failure; and therefor be a better witness and provider for those who have failed ... will I become a person of better influence as a result of my failure?

Only God knows.
But...
But, I pray I will be a person of great influence after significant failure.

Isolation ...

Things will never be done fast enough.
That's why we have a McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Jack-n-the-box, Crystals, Steak 'n Shake, Checkers, KFC, Pizza Hut, Panda Express, Taco Hell, Long John Silvers and Sonics all within a five mile radius of one another some where near you.

We have to have it right now.
Hence the cell phones and lap tops.

We are all striving for something better, but we end up sacrificing in the end.

Sacrificing time with our loved ones, time with ourselves, time with our friends, time with our God....

Is it worth it?
You go to McD's to save time... time for what?
To run to your next appointment???

You have a cell phone so you don't miss anything; so you save time.
Now, you're always on it, either texting or talking ... who are you making time for.

I have seen 6 year olds with cell phones.
What on earth for?
Please, someone tell me?
Seriously.
And please, please don't tell me "in case of an emergency".

When our kitchen caught on fire when I was 9 years old, I didn't stop and say, "oh, I wish my mom were here to help me". No, I ran to the neighbors house to call 911. Cause, that's what I was taught in school... and guess what ... that's what they still teach in school.

Ok, I'll get down off the soap box.

I think we are teaching our children and others around us this:

"I don't need anybody.
Unless, of course, it's an emergency.
Then I need you."

Not a good lesson.
God created us in his image.
He wasn't alone when he started and he isn't alone now.
Why would he create man and woman and then establish a population of people who are slowly isolating themselves from everyone?

God wouldn't do that. Ya know why?
Cause that would make God a liar.

God said in Genesis (the first book of the Bible) it is not good for man to be alone.
I don't think he was just throwing it out there, ya know.
I think he meant it.
It is the only time during creation that God said, "Oops. Not good. Back up here, I think we have a problem."
And everybody said, "Uh, oh, Like really? Like where and stuff?"
And God said, "Like look at Adam."
And the others said, "Like yeah, I'm looking."
And God said, "Like, I don't see any other creature that could ya know like, understand him and like could totally be a good companion and all. Like, I'd like to be there with him every minute of the day and stuff, but like, I think he needs someone, like suitable and stuff."
And the others said, "Oh, oh oh ... Oh, I see, now."

And so God made a suitable mate, woman.
And everybody cheered! Especially Adam.

Ok, I made a funny out of it and all, but seriously.
God took the time to make someone for Adam.
Someone to match him; someone for him and vice versa.

So, if God didn't intend on us isolating ourselves from others, then I wonder who could have come up with the idea.....

Yeah, Satan. The Devil. The guy in the red suit with horns and a pitch fork.
Well, maybe not the ladder, but you get the idea.

Satan wants nothing more than to sabatage every attempt God has made for us to build friendships and genuine relationships with others.

Please, don't let Satan get what he wants.
Please, take the time out to put the stinkin phone away... or put it on silent.
I don't think the ceiling will collapse on you if you put the remote down or put the phone away.
And I seriously doubt that the Earth will fold in on itself if your child doesn't have a cell phone.

Have a meal with your family.
It involves something called cooking.
It's this thing you do with food and pots and pans and a magical device called a STOVE.

Just try it on for size.
Try it one time this week.
Plan it and make a date out of it.

No tv, no cell phone, no computer, no fast food.
Use the stove, real food from a supermarket, cook together and spend time sitting at the dining room table together, talk to one another about goals, dreams, life, each others' day, aspriations, inspirations, etc.

Try it one time in the next month.
Maybe for two hours .. maybe longer, maybe shorter depending on what you cook.
I bet you will see some wonderful changes; in yourself and those around you.
It won't take long.



Disclaimer: I am just thinking out loud here and am not repsonsible for any actions you take as a result of reading this on-line journal. It is an on-line journal not an advice column.

Approachable

Have you ever had a neighborhood dog? He's fenced in and you feel safe; you walk toward the house and from out of no where, the dog starts coming at you, full speed ahead and barking up a storm.
Your praying the fence will hold and that it won't jump over the fence and attack you.
... and then you check your pants?

I have a neighborhood dog like that. His name's Buddy.
We've already been introduced.
Once he gets to the fence, he realizes it's me.
If I want to play with him, all I have to do is say, "Where's that kitty-cat?"
And guess what?
He's found a way out of the fence and charges into our yarrd, searching for my cat.
Poor Trouble, if she only knew.

He's fun to play with.
And I am hoping the day my neighbors give him up, we'll be considered for adoption.

Now that's just a funny tail (pun intended) of me and my neighborhood companion.
But what if, in your case, it's not so safe?
What if in your case, it isn't a dog you're concerned about charging at you?
What if it's a neighbor or a friend?
What if it's a relative, spouse, or in-law?
Yikes.
Now what do you do?

If you run, the dog will chase you.
If you run from your attacker, the same might happen.
You may only empower them and give them a greater advantage.

It's only natural to fear what man will do to you.
However, upon a recent experience and some wisdom imparted to me by a friend, fear of man is absurd. The Bible says, "The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but those who trust in the Lord will be kept safe." Proverbs 29:25
It also says this, "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies." Psalms 188:5-7

I keep these scriptures on my wall above my computer, where I've been spending a lot of my time lately. Thank you Dr. Shyers and Dr. Wilcox. Thanks.
No really, thanks.

So, what's the big deal about approaching someone?
The big deal is many big deals, actually.
What if they have hurt you in the past?
What if they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy?
What if they are double-minded?
What if they are .... blah blah.

That's a lot to consider. I can empathize with those concerns.
But what happened to trust in the Lord?
Well, I think fear can overwhelm us at times.
In our fear, biologically, we either run or freeze.

Approaching people who have harmed us is something we, as Christians have been called to do. It is expected of us. In Matthew, I believe, chapter 13, Jesus tells us that if we are about to bring our supplications to God and we suddenly remember that someone has offended us, we are to go, run don't walk, go to that person and present your concerns.
If that person refuses to listen to you, you then go, to another person who can mediate the situation. A mediator is one who will not take sides, they just listen to both sides and prevent any brawls or cat fights. If the person refuses to listen to your concerns at that point, Jesus tells us to treat them as a pagen, an unbeliever, a non-Christian.

I don't know about you, but I don't like those situations.
I mean, come on! Can't there be an easier way?
Can't we all just get along here?
Um, no.

There is no easy way to deal with people who have caused you problems, or made your life uncomfortable. But if you don't do it, it will consume you and quite possibly will hinder your own personal prayers and supplications you bring to the Lord. No joke.

Present your issue to the Lord.
He knows what you are dealing with.
He knows what this other person has done to you.
He is waiting for you to do something about it.
He knows it won't be easy; confrontations never are.
You may lose that person as a friend; if they were one to begin with.
You may hurt or cause the other person to hurt; hurt is ok.
It is healthy to have pain. Healthy pain.
Pain can cause us to make better choices next time.
The pain you may cause this person in an effort to bring your concerns may, in fact help them to make better choices next time; with someone else.
And if you don't do it, you are doing a disservice to that person, to the Lord and to yourself.

Aim high. You can always take someone with you if you don't feel comfortable, the Lord said you can. Just don't take someone who you know will take sides.

Trust God. He loves both of you.
He wants what's best for both of you.

So, what are you waiting for?
Trust God has your best interests at heart.
Ya never know, maybe one day you can stand in front of that dog and say "Where's that Kitty cat?" and make a new friend; an even better friend than you once thought. And maybe not.
What's meant to be, will be.


Disclaimer: I am just thinking out loud here and am not repsonsible for any actions you take as a result of reading this on-line journal. It is an on-line journal not an advice column.

La la la la

It's funny, I really can't think of anything inspirational to write about today.
I went to breakfast at Morning Glories with a group of totally terrific women!
The food is like so good there.
And now I have a new Bff named Haden. He's adorable.
His mom and his aunt are like totally cool friends.

Anyway.
I'm like totally stuffed and ready for a nap.
My little girl is sick today and totally burning up.
She says she's fine.
I love her, she could be dying and she's say she's fine.

So she's resting and my son and I are watching Scooby Doo and Tom & Jerry (my bff's) on Cartoon Network.
Although, I'm supposed to be reading and working on Ethics shh!... and trying to write a paper.
It's a good thing I'm a multi-multi tasker.

It does occur to me that sometimes, as women, we have a tendancy to be very judgemental and superficial. I see it in myself and it makes me wanna barf.
At this breakfast, I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by grace and love and acceptance for who I was. I laughed and really enjoyed the fellowship.

Part of me is sad; however, because I know so many women who try too hard.
Seriously. It's like they are desperate to be friends with someone that they nearly go out of their way to prove it. I think if you just be yourself, people will automatically want to be your friends because you are being sincere and genuine.

Sadly, I've seen just the opposite as of late; and in my past.
And not just with others, but with me. I think that's how I am able to notice it so much (because it's something I used to do all the time). I would go out of my way to please, make someone happy, do things their way, do things for them; all in an effort for them to notice me and gain their friendship.

The sad part about it all is this: they would be friendly with me and appreciate all I did for them, but they never became my friend. My motives were not pure, they were of a selfish manner and genuin friendship was to no avail. God will not bless impure motives. He examines our hearts and wants to see purity and genuine love for others, not self seeking motives.

I hope that what others see in me is taken for what it is; genuine.
My personality is wound up with helping others; my strengths are wound up in helping others.
If I am not doing that, then I am wasting and frankly abusing the talents God has given me.
I would be burrying them; what a waste. I would also not be someone God created me to be.

My prayer is that you would use the talents and gifts God has given you and stop wishing you could be like others; stop being jealous of what others have, jealous of what others can do, jealous of how others can do what they do. Do yourself and others a favor and stop being someone else; just be yourself.

Please and love God and in that you will please and love others. It's natural. It's what God intented; he didn't intend you to perform, he intended you to be who you are; not who others think you should be or who you think you should be. Be who God created you to be and others will see God in you and love you for you ... and want to know more about you.

Be true to who God intended you to be.

Moving on ...

So like today, my Pastor talked about One Prayer; which you need to check out.
So anyway, I love the stories he tells.
This one I had been fortunate enough to hear it before, and it gets better each time I hear it.

My pastor is an evangelist by nature. He's good at it.
He was involved in a group effort (more than 200 people, I think) trying to bring people into the Kingdom on Heaven. I know that phrase sounds so corny, but it's basically talking to individuals about beginning a relationship with Jesus.

However, every group my pastor was in returned with absolutely zero stories about people beginning a relationship with Jesus. Three seperate occasions and nothing. How annoying, fristrating and disheartening. I'd be a little miffed myself; or maybe think about a career change.

Anyway, my pastor went on to say that he went to bed and his wife, Angie stayed awake to pray for him. The next day she told him what God had laid on her heart to share with him about why his efforts were showing no fruit.

Angie shared with him that although Byron had a passion for bringing people into a relationship with Jesus, he did not love them. He was good at evangalizing people; not good at seeing them as people who just needed to be shown a little love.
and thank God she shared that with him, because it burned a desire in him to grow a hear to love others and eventually to begin and church which does just that! C3 baby! Check it out!

Wow.

Ya know, God sent Jesus, his only son, to this world because he loved us and wants to have a relationship with us. Jesus died a painful death, God, the father watched; allowed it to happen; allowed others to mock and spit and kill his only son; that's how much he wants to be with us.

Sounds rather morbid, don't ya think; but really it is the greatest love of all. Jesus sacrificed himself and died. He volunteered.

Why don't I love that much?
Heck, I can't even stand to be in the same room with some people because of the past injuries I have endured. Yet, I say I love them.

Yeah right. How is that communicating love?
It isn't.
It's commnicating a contingency plan.
If they do things my way, I will love them.
That's also called BS.

I can't say I love someone if I can't even stand to be near them.
It's a matter of handing it over to God, trusting him fisrt.
After all, did he not have his son die in order to reconcile a broken relationship.
Yes, he did.
So, why would he not want to reconcile my relationships?
I don't have an answer for that.
All I can say is that it is something I have to trust God about.
Sometimes I want it to fix it right away and I am not patient enough.
Sometimes, when I takes to long, I take the initiative; and other times, when he doesn't answer me, I just continue with the same behavior. And still again I sometimes don't want an answer, because I am afraid of what that answere might be.

Love is a choice; it is not a feeling, it is not an emotion.
It is an active choice.

Love (I Corinthians 13)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Get De-bugged ... or An Enema ... Something!

Some people need to get the bugs out of their - - - !
Unbelieveable.

Either that or get an enema! A huge one ... or a colin cleanse ....
Something!

It astonishes me, in the Christian community how incredibly anal, uptight and witchy some people are. Women in particular. No wonder I have more male friends!
I mean, chillax, take it easy ... you're gonna pass out if you don't do something!
See a shrink! I know of a few good ones.

It's like this, you don't hear what they say. You ask them to repeat it and they give you a piss off look. Heellllloooooo?!

Or, or ... you are having a conversation with someone and they invite themselves in on it and then get miffed when you change the subject and don't tell them what you were talking about ... It's like this ... It's an A-B conversation, kindly C yourself out of it.
What ever happened to MANNERS!

Hello!?
If something is private, it's private ... I nor the person speaking with me have to share the details with you. Cry a river. Build a bridge... and get over it!

Act your age ... not your shoe size, which for most of you it's like a 7, 9 maybe even a 5 or 6!
Grow up! And some of you ladies, are leaders! You should know better than to be so stinkin' rude. Especially to the people you call F-r-i-e-n-d!

Which reminds me, again, I don't have to be your friend. I will be nice and friendly and cordial to you, but I don't have to be your friend. You have the same luxury; it's called free will!
Choices; BOUDARIES!
Make some of your own!
And even if you don't call me friend, fine. But, be nice. Just because you don't want to be my friend doesn't mean you suddenly gain the right to be disrepectful.

I know, I'm venting.
You're probably like, ... wHoA, Jess, calm down. It's ok.
But ya know what, it's not!
I'm sick of up-itty people who think they are entitled to involve themselves in something that is none of their bees-wax! And then, and then, get mad at me for it.
Dude, I don't owe you an apology.
I, personally feel guilty for getting involved with other people's conversations, whether they invite me in or not. I tend to leave the conversation thinking, I should have just minded my own; and then I do just that.
Have you ever heard the phrase "Mindya!" It's short for "mind ya own business".

Or, or, they don't give room for anyone else to make mistakes, misunderstand, or be misunderstood; BUT, now get this - when they are misunderstood, not clear, make a mistake or something and you call them on it; Oh, my .... watch out... who let the dogs out, yo! Or should I say, who pulled the cat's tail!
The daggers in their eyes.
Man, I'd be dead like TEN times over already!

Then, you get an apology.
And they say their working on it ... to please continue to pray for them (gotta love that part), and continue calling them on it!
Uh, let me think about that last one ... uh .. uh .. no thanks, once bitten, twice shy babe! Sorry. Been there done that!
That's why I have what's called boundaries!

I'm like, gonna still pray for you and all, but please ..
For the love of all things good and great take the bug out-cher butt!!

And I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that others may think the same of me at times, but I have seen these individual constantly behave in this manner. Which is something I am getting pretty tired of witnessing.

And btw, when you are called on something; do the right thing.
Take responsibility for it, apologize and then FIX IT!
Don't just give lip service to the one you just verbally assulted, killed with your glance or shot down with your "under your breath smack talk".

I'm sure I'm not the only one getting annoyed by it.
And I can tell you this - You are choosing your friends by your actions whether you like it or not.

And another thing! I'm no here on this planet to win a popularity contest.
I am here to serve others. That includes you, by the by!
I'm still serving you even though you can be real tight wad, up-itty person.

Do some de-bugging, ok.
That's all.

Thanks for letting me vent.
I do love you. I care deeply for you.
But just at a safe distance for now.
A real safe distance.
For now. It's up to you.

Dude, Dreams Are Weird

Man, I had this dream last night where this reformed drug dealer became a pastor; began a church for drug dealers and the like and was coming to me for counseling.

I think I watch The Sopranos too much ...
Or maybe the Psychopathology class I took last night has gotten to me already.

So this pastor is coming to me for counseling.
He's wanting to have this Christmas something or other at his church, but he doesn't know how to put it on. (It's a dream, so I can't remember the specifics)

So we are standing outside his church by a tree.
He's telling me how he wants to leave the ministry.
But the place is packed with drug dealers, hookers, homeless, and the like.
As we're talking this guy comes over to us and starts thanking him for all the work he has done in the church and if it wasn't for him, he would be dead.

I woke up. Sorry.
And I know I could have gone back to sleep and finish the dream, but I have never been able to do that; I have tried, but I just can't do it.

I'm not much of a dream interpretor, but if I had to guess, I'd say my brain put together a very interesting scenerio. Very interesting.

Almost everything in the dream is something I have thought about.
I've thought about renting a bus and driving down OBT to pick up people for church service.
I know it sounds silly, but everytime I drive past the Parlement House, or anywhere down OBT past Rio Grande, I just can't help but want to do something ... I just don't know exaclty what yet... or how for that matter.

There's this place on OBT towards Apopka, where you can rent buses. It's just past this statue place. ... But how I would actually get them on the bus and to C3 is another story.

It's a dream ... it's far off in the distance, but it's there.
How it began....
I've never told anyone this. So here it is. My secret dream.
(not a secret anymore, I guess)

One time, I remember this girl who came to my man's shop.
She was really a he, but I didn't care.
Her name was Starling. My heart broke for her.
She was crying and wanted to go home; which was somewhere about an hour away.
She asked me if she could use my phone to call someone ... and told them that she wanted to come home ... and asked me at the same time if I would take her ... I said yes.
But then, I was getting alittle skeptical and asked if I could talk to her friend.
I didn't want to be a missing person report on the local news, if you know what I mean.

Her friend said he was a great guy and wouldn't hurt a fly.
I asked if she would be there to pick him up when I brought him home, she said yes.

When I started to drive Starling home, she wanted to stop at the hotel to pick up her stuff.
She got out ... talked to the manager ... came back to my car ... cried some more ... and in that moment changed her mind. She thanked me. And I asked her if she was sure she wanted to stay.
She said no and left.
I never saw her again.
I cried deeply after I drove away.
Contemplating whether or not to go back.
And every time I pass this hotel, I pray for her.
I pray to one day see her again.
I pray for others like her.
I pray for a way to help them.... to see them.

How do you convince someone you barely know to go home, make amends?
How do you convince yourself and this stranger that the person on the receiving end (in this case, her mother) will accept them back with open arms?
I don't know these answers, but I do know living like Jesus and showing them that we accept them as they are is a start. At least this stranger knew someone loved her for who she was in that moment.

While in my car she cried, laughed, swore, cried some more.
Her story is so similar to all of us.
She was abused, unloved and hurt by those closest to her.
She was unaccepted for who she was.
Her mother abandonded her at her greatest moment of need.

Her pain was great.
Her pain was real.
Her pain was deep.

Her pain was the same as any one's pain.
The pain of rejection, unacceptance; it's the same for all of us.
No matter who you are; gay, lesbian, straight, bi, homophobe, skeptic, critic, homeless, vegabond, transvestite, pastor, teacher, student, black, yellow, red or white
... mother father sister brother friend ...
The pain is the same.


The pain is the same.
So, some day, God knows, maybe ministering to the vegabonds of OBT is where I'll be.
My counseling office ... a big yellow bus.
My boss ... Christ.
My pay ... treasures in heaven.