Lead on

I have been waiting for today all week. But not for the same reasons most of you wait for Friday. I have a lunch date with a friend of mine that turned into a "Girls' Lunch" with a bunch of other girls; some I know, some I don't. Now, I gotta be honest, I'm nervous. Not about what to wear or finding the place or being late, but about those girls I will be with.

I've never been really good at friendship. At least not lately. It's been more like the motto "Once Bitten Twice Shy" without the "Babe".

Everyone in life has been hurt, by family, friends, co-workers, you name it. Some people just get on with it and work on new relationships, others stay stuck ...
I think I'm somewhere in between.

In school, I have a whole bunch of friends; but only a few I would call on for "Help!", if you know what I mean. So why, do you ask I am so scared of this kind of friendship?

Good question. It's church people.
I know. I know. It's ridiculous, but hang on.
Growing up I loved church. I would even walk to church by myself just to be there on days when my mom couldn't get herself up off the couch. I would go with whoever would take me. I loved being there. I loved my pastor and what I learned about God and Jesus and the whole shebang.
My mom even remarried a preacher man. Baptist through and through. Although he turned out to be a regular schmuck. Sorry. He was.

He lied about my brother and I in order to save face and get us in trouble, he lied to his church, he lied to my mom. A real winner this guy. Eventually, I began to hate going to church and everything about it. You see, I saw behind the scenes and it wasn't what I had always thought as a little girl. It kind of ruined for me ... at the ripe age of 13.

I have since forgiven him. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, is no longer preaching (praise God) and lives somewhere in NY. I have gotten over all the awful things he said and did to my family, but what remained was the ick towards what I saw behind the scenes. How truly mean church people can be. And I mean mean.

I haven't quite forgotten about all that. The year 2001, was the first time I had stepped inside a church building in which to worship and "start over" since 1991, maybe. All through high school, I was forced to go to church, so maybe it was even earlier than that ... maybe say 1988.

Now that's over 10 years of not giving a hoot about church or God for that matter. I had friends, but not the kind of friends you'd find in church, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, 2001, ... so I met a few friends at church, but none that I was able to feel comfortable with; let my guard down, ya know. Then I moved away for about a year and was in a hick town Baptist church.. then moved back to Orlando to the same church I had left ... a lot of the people I had known hadn't remembered me .. some hadn't, but I still didn't feel safe.

Then, the pastor was asked to leave ... wow ... and I saw a repeat of all the yuck, the mean church people. At least, at that point, I had learned to trust God and was taught how to pray, so I stayed and was satisfied with my decision. I saw many leave ... and I saw many stay. I started making more friends, but again, not tooooo close. Gotta stay safe.

I found getting involved in ministry dulled the pain of not having many friends. It kept me busy and focused and what felt like "safe". At least I felt needed and wanted in a safe environment. Make scene? Good. Then the church went through a humungogunga re-birth. I was excited! I couldn't wait! But wouldn't ya know ... I witnessed, again, the yuck, the mean church people; although, I wasn't behind the scenes, it was still not so good. In fact, it was real bad and I still cry sometimes.

I am satisfied with my decision to stay where I am. I feel God's peace and reassurance every time I think about it. However, many of the friends I dared get close to left with a whole lot to say ... things that hurt ... things that would leave a lasting impression.

So, .... what to do .... what to do ....
Pray and forgive. That's all there is to do.
Pray for peace, forgiveness, understanding, patience, trust, love, courage, strength, all sorts of things. Most importantly, I pray to get over the fear of loss and rejection. It's inevitable, but at times unbearable.

We have all been hurt. Jesus even said we would all face trouble in this life. It's bound to happen. But at least I can rest assured in the knowledge that Jesus knows what I have been through, but most importantly, he knows where I'm going. I just have to trust him to lead me.
I will rest in that. So lead on.