Success ... and the "F" word

I love working hard and succeeding. I enjoying studying and doing well in school; being with my children and watching them grow; being married to my most excellent man and cultivating friendships; working out at home or Bally's and maybe not seeing the results, but feeling them. There are so many more things I could write about the feeling of success, but what I could write a whole lot more about is the "F" word.

No, not that one. Failure. That one. I loathe failing and any feeling that remotely resembles it. When I couldn't get to the place of forgiveness; when my son had to repeat second grade, my daughter having to repeat seventh grade, my husband's unmentionables - I feel like a failure. Every time I know what I should be doing and I don't do it, for whatever reason, I feel like a failure. When I set up a gathering or a party, where very few show, I feel like it's my fault.

One of my dear friends said this to me not long ago: "The feeling of failure is just plain inevitable. "It's all part of being a fallen human in a fallen world" (thank you Dr. Wilcox!). Especially when we strive for the very best for those we love, and especially when we want to do the very best for those the Lord has entrusted in our care. We want Him to be pleased and proud with the resposibilities He has given us, and in turn we expect the same from others. I know what it's like being so hard on yourself, but don't sit there too long.

So, what to do .... what to do.
The key words in her encouragement to me were, "don't sit there too long".
Well, I've been turning it around. I ask myself what it has to do with me, and if so, what can be done about it. No one showing up for a gathering ... what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My son and daughter's love of repetition, what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My inability to do what I am supposed to do (including forgive) ... ah-uh. Now that's where things get a little sticky.
So, now what?

That's just it. What now? What can I do to turn the failure into a success? I have been working on so many things in my life it would astonish you. One is my tremendous fear of failure and my insecurity of it all. I am presently working on dealing with the feeling when it comes and talking it over ... with myself ... so I won't "stay there too long". Sounds strange, but it is working. I am a firm believer in using what works. And so what if I talk to myself. There are far worse things one could do to feel better ...

One thing I have noticed that allows those feelings to penetrate deeper is "spinning". Spinning is a little like reliving things over and over in your thoughts. Spinning. Imagine you are outside on a beautiful day and you are spinning. Eventually what will happen if you continue? You will get dizzy and fall down and go boom. Ouch. You will go inside - pout and cry. Someone will ask you what is wrong. You will tell them. How will they respond? ..... What were you doing spinning for as long as you did?

It's not to say you can't spin. Spinning has it's benefits, but not when you hurt yourself.
When I catch myself spinning. I have to stop. If I don't, I will fall into the temptation of failure and self-preservation. Not good.

So, how do you stop from spinning? First you have to recognize that you are doing it.
Back in August of 2006, my Pastor was doing a sermon series on King Saul, called i-motions. I must say, I didn't enjoy this series. It can be found in the book of I Samuel 9-31. The story of King Saul and David. In the beginning, there was nothing Saul feared; there was no equal to Saul (Ch. 9). Enter: David. At first, King Saul loved David. As you may remember, David defeated Goliath and became a regular hero. Saul asked David to come and live with him and play his harp for him. Later, Saul gave David a high ranking position in his army (Ch. 18) and he won many battles for Saul. Then the people began to say "Saul has slain his thousands but David his ten-thousands." Uh-oh. What happened to "there was no equal to Saul"?

Saul became angry and jealous. He would call David in to play his harp and become so angry at his presence (and what he was 'spinning' in his head) that he would throw his spear at him. Ouch. If I were David I would have ran away right then.

The problem. Saul was spinning thoughts of jealousy and fear in his head. He probably felt like a failure. The people loved David more. He was hurt and became angry and bitter. See I Sam 18:6. Saul was re-visiting the scene of what the people were saying about David. He must have played it a lot, because he made attempts on David's life nearly every time he saw him. So many, in fact that David fled with the help of Saul's son, Jonathan. ... and Saul persued him.

Later, in Chapter 31, Saul and his armies were killed. Saul’s sons were killed. And Saul killed himself. All for what?
Because Saul couldn't let it go.
He kept spinning it over and over in his head.

My Pastor said this: What I think in my mind will capture my heart. If my life were a movie, I need to remove things before the final cut.

Saul saw his value in what people said and thought about him. The truth is, he lost sight of what God thought of him. He traded God's thoughts and values for his own and kept spinning. He spun so much, he lost sight of things. He finally collapsed: on his sword.
No, I'm not kidding, see I Sam 31:1-6.

My Pastor also said this little tid bit, that I kind of forgot about until recently: Focus on what God is doing, not on everyone else.

Stop spinning. Recognize when you are by listening to your self talk. Stop beating yourself up about what you can't control. Remember, you weren't in control to begin with, so what are you fretting about. It didn't go the way you expected ... join the club. Just listen to the weather report for week.... you'll see.

When you recognize it, another tid bit from my Pastor, Philippians 4:8 it.
"Summing it all up, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditations (your self talk) on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to be praised, not things to be cursed." The Message.

It will take some work and diligence (my least favorite "d" word) on your part and mine. But it is so worth it. Besides, look at Saul’s end.

Wouldn't it be nice to stop spinning while you still have the chance to grab your bearings?
Don't be like Saul. See things as God does. He does not see you as a failure just because things aren't the way you envisioned they would be (are you listening to yourself, Jessy?).
God sees you as he sees his son, Jesus.
Blameless.