Forgive Myself ... Forgive Myself ... Forgive ...

I don't know about you but there are many things that plague my life. One of them is the uncanny ability I have at dwelling on dumb things that I have done, either to myself or others. Oh it's fun, you oughta try it ... NOT!

I've messed up cars, broken things, lost things, wrecked relationships, trashed people; I mean you name it, I've probably done it ... or at least thought about doing it, or just haven't done it yet.

It's life, I am bound to mess up every now and then. However, when I do, I feel like the worst person on the planet. Like it's my fault or something. Or better yet, let's say I legitimately offend someone. I do like the Bible says and go to them and try to apologize and seek forgiveness. They say yeah, ok, alright, don't worry ... yada yada yada. BUT, they don't act like they have forgiven me, causing me to feel like I am the very worst ever and nothing I can ever do will make things better.

Now, that's the truth. There is nothing I can do to make it any better. Even if the other person won't forgive me, there is nothing I can do about it. Does that change the fact that I did something wrong? No. I asked God to forgive me and I sought forgiveness from the person; so why don't I feel any better.

That is a legitimate question. The reason I don't and probably won't feel better is because I haven't forgiven myself for being a rude, obnoxious, potty mouth, stubborn jackass, etc ...

Every time I revisit the past, full of garbage only God and a few others know about, I have forgiven the people, have asked God to forgive me, and if possible, I have sought forgiveness from others. And I would still feel like I was the worst person in the world ... Why? I was not forgiving myself.

My pastor talked about this yesterday. He said that I cannot grow if I don't let go. I need to be able to forgive myself, otherwise I will stay stuck in the current situation; even if God has already forgiven me of it. Weird, huh?

It is by far the hardest thing for a stubborn perfectionistic person like myself to do. I mean, I'm supposed to be perfect. I don't make mistakes. Well, I do, but when I do, I find they are only due to circumstances beyond my control and such things like that. (yeah, right. If you believe that, I've got some ocean side porperty in Arizona for ya)

So, what to do .... what to do ....
Forgive myself.
It goes like this.
Lord God, I forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up, for not being the citizen of Heaven you've called me to be. I forgive myself for embarrassing myself and others. I forgive myself for not being who you have created me to be, but being whom I think I should have been created to be. Lord, forgive me for being arrogant and prideful in thinking that you couldn't possibly forgive me. I forgive myself for being arrogant and prideful, in that I think I can do a better job than you can sometimes. Well, who am I kidding, all the time. Forgive me for not trusting you. And I coose to forgive myself for not trusting you.
Forgive me for thinking that I can not forgive myself because I am supposed to be perfect and I deserve to feel like crap. Lord God, help me to forgive myself and to be mindful of my own self righteousness when I don't accept your forgiveness; and act as though there is something I can do to earn your forgiveness. Thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. You are so deserving of my praise. Thank you for your daily reassurances and reminders of your love and presence. I love you Lord.

Now, it's up to me to remember this and to do it each time I find myself blaming myself and being stuck in the muck of life.

Do I want to grow or be stuck collecting dust on a shelf somewhere?