Yesterday was fun! I wish we could have church at the park all the time. Hey! What a great idea. Pastor Byron, if you are reading this, I think maybe our next campus should be in a park. I can play and listen to the sermon at the same time, promise.
My husband and I walked around. My kids played and played and played. There were people baptized in the lake. It was so awesome. Inside I was ready to explode in excitement and somehow felt like the lady in the progressive commercial who tells everyone over the intercom, "We have a savings of $350" then proceeds to tell the guy what he gets with that. He says, "Wow" unenthusiastically, or perhaps as enthusiastic as a man could be about that. And she goes "Wow, yeah, but I say it louder". The guy just looks at her like she's a fry short of a happy meal.
I felt like saying "WOW", but it's the having people look at me funny that stopped me. Oh well. Next time, maybe. When I was baptized I thought I would come out of my own skin with enthusiasm. Something about it makes me want to scream with joy! But I contained myself, I wonder why?
Anyway. It was great to see people following the example of Christ. It was terrific. God is so great and it reminded me of another truth about blessings. You should have seen how many people were there. Holy cow! The beach front was loaded with people watching the baptisms. The cheering, the clapping, the cameras flashing! What an honor.
Why would we have the growth explosion that we have had in the short amount of time since we have moved to the theatres if it wasn't God's planning ... and timing .... and will. We have only been in the theatres since January. And already we have baptized baby Christians, not just the oops I think I did it wrong the first time people. Plus there have been life changing stories of people who would have never dawned the doors of a church before now. Now, if that ain't God moving and blessing that which was his plan to begin with, I don't know what is. I do know this: People can't move people. But, God can and will move people.
It was great! So you better come next time.
Oh, and get this. My husband, who is very uncomfortable in his own skin around a bunch of people actually swung on the swings with me (and I didn't have to beg). Honey, if that ain't God moving people, I'm Aunt Jamima! There was a time while swinging that he was actually trying to see if he could swing higher than me ... I didn't even know he was competing with me until I saw his face. He competes with me with nearly everything ... down to who's the best cook. It's funny! My kids are the judges. But I think it's not truly a competition, because I can't cook what he cooks and he can't cook what I cook ... so is that really a competition. Oh, well. At least everyone eats it ... and likes it.
Can you believe Pastor B, or as we like to call him in my house, the Big Daddy B, has been the senior pastor for five years now! How incredible! And if you have been here since, wow ... you would actually be a witness to someone who actually does what they say they are going to do. It is amazing to see what God can do with someone of integrity and honesty; someone who cares more about pleasing God than pleasing others ... particularly the nay sayers of a church. Barf.
It is amazing to see what God can do. I think that's why it is so important to take notes and pray and journal. In fact, God instructs us to "write it down". I don't know who it was, but just recently I was reading .. oh yes, Sex.God and Rob Bell writes about remembering and how many times the word is actually used in the Bible. A lot. So, duh! Do you really think you are going to remember by just telling yourself you will. Your memory isn't that good.
Wanna know how I know? What did you wear last Tuesday evening? How mnay outfits did you try on first before you finally picked what you wore? What color were your underwear? Socks? What shoes did you wear? (this may be easier for the guys, they seem to wear the same color underwear and socks and blue jeans) You get the point.
Ok, then. What did Pastor Big Daddy B preach on in October .... what did you learn ... what prayers did you ask God about ... did he respond ... Are you still waiting? You won't know what God is doing if you don't write it down. Plus, you will find yourself complaining more and thanking him less if you don't write stuff down to remember. Some people think journaling has to be long and drawn out, but it doesn't. Just write as much as you need to remember. Write your prayers out. Then you can actually revisit them and be a real life witness to what God is doing. It's is for your own benefit.
I can go back to my notes and read prayers that I prayed for during the sermon and some have been answered, some are on back order ... But it's going back and reading and reflecting on what God has done. Especially during those times when I think he's MIA. And even during those times when leaders are being attacked. Alls I have to do is go back and read and pray and seek the scriptures to know the truth. And that is: God honors and blesses those who honor and bless him. That is what I see in the leadership at C3.
Come and see it for yourself. I can't promise that church won't let you down from time to time (cause church is full of people and people will let you down), but what I can promise you is this: when you come to C3 you will encounter a God who won't let you down. He never has and he never will.
As my friend says : C U @ C3
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
I'm right here
I promise not to take a week off from blogging ever again. ... promise....
But I did save a lot of money by painting my own living room ...
FINALLY!
Ya gotta see it....
I love sunflowers......
Read the blog below .... I just posted it TODAY. It's a tad long,
but I feel it's worth your wild ...
Yeah me! (clappinghands in front on me)
Come on ... haven't you ever seen Suite Life of Zack & Cody ;o)
But I did save a lot of money by painting my own living room ...
FINALLY!
Ya gotta see it....
I love sunflowers......
Read the blog below .... I just posted it TODAY. It's a tad long,
but I feel it's worth your wild ...
Yeah me! (clappinghands in front on me)
Come on ... haven't you ever seen Suite Life of Zack & Cody ;o)
Alright Already!
Have you ever felt like just telling God, "Alright, alright. I get it, already. Stop with the testing and stuff, ok?"
Dude.... you have no idea. Like come ON already!
Like it seems I just finished taking a test and then BAMMO! He gladly gives me another one just to make sure I actually got it this time.
Ya see, that's the trouble when you ask God for wisdom and the "P" word. I'm not gonna say it cause then I'll get another test. So if I'm quiet and I don't actually say the word then maybe God won't hear me and test me with it.... again. I don't even think I am over this test yet.
Have you ever played or watched the $10,000 pyramid... ok well it's a word that means waiting.... be still .... someone’s in front of me and it's not my turn yet so I have to be .... I'd really like to tell you to be quiet but I will have be "blank" and wait for you to be quiet on your own .... you are trying my ....
I think you get the picture =D
Well, so there's this person. They tend to talk about things that have no relevance. And to top it all off, they think they are in the right and justify themselves all the time. But here's the kick in the pants, they think what they have to say is The most important thing like ever. And I think God is ... like ... testing me with the "P" word again with this one ... since I ask him everyday to help me figure out this "P" word ....
Plus, get this ... I ... like .. just so happened to have asked God to also help me love one another this year. That was my New Year's resolution last year "TO LIVE LOVE OUT LOUD" well, um. I kinda like forgot. SO I think God is holding me accountable to it this year. Thanks God. Really, no, I mean it, thanks. I'm enjoying it. (NOT)
Really, all kidding aside. It is a very difficult journey to like ... LOVE everyone. AND actually show it. What a challenge. What did I ask for. Holy canolli. I thought it would be easy. That is until just recently ... I discovered there are many tweaked individuals out there ... and I can't believe I thought it would be easy ....
Boy oh Boy! Oh boy!
Ok OK . So ... like .... I get it. Some people are just egocentric, stuck-up, self-centered, insensitive, insatiable, inconsiderate prigs.
So what to do .... what to do.
Ummmm.
Ummmmmmm.
OOOmmmmm.
That's me doing meditation ... yeah right! I have another bridge for ya.... it connects California to Hawaii ...
Well, I've been asking God to show me what love looks like around me and in his word (the Bible, for those of you who didn't know what "the word" is).
It's hard. It is really, really, really hard.
When I could actually show someone love, someone who is bugging the bees-wax out of me, I find myself wanting a way out ... I find myself trying to come up with excuses to leave.... or say something ... What is wrong with this picture..... AUGH!
That's not what I want to do.
And then in hind sight. .... I can see what I should have seen and then I can't say what I should have said. ....
I feel like I'm in the middle of a country western song ....
What I could've said
I didn't say
What I should've said
I didn't say
What I should've done
I didn't do
What I would've done
If I could've done ...
Well you add some twang and geetar to that and you gotch yerself a country soung....
Hey, ... I love country .. really.
What I have found is this: Life is full of challenges and God is there for each of them. Some people have unhealthy ways of dealing with their stuff; yet seem to be holding it all together. God created us so differently and yet He is the same. Isn't that cool! I think that's so cool. He doesn't change. He keeps his promises. It is difficult for us to understnad because we are merely human. But God helped us understand through his son Jesus.
Jesus came to Earth to help us understand who God is as well as how to live life God's way. He showed us. Ya see, before, all the people had was a bunch of books and the high priests. Then Jesus came: A living, breathing testiment of who God really is. WOW! I wish I would've been there. I think I would pick the time when Peter walked on water.
Why? Well, because I don't think he took his eyes of Jesus. Hear me out ... I think the waves blocked his view and he couldn't see Jesus, therefore, causing him to panick and sink.
Matthew 14:30 says "but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'"
Here's what I think. When the wind came, it stirred up some waves, and even though Jesus wasn't far, Peter lost sight of him and freaked!
We live near Cocoa, so the beach is so enticing this time of year. However, I have been wading; my calves haven't even gotten wet and I've been knocked on my kisser my waves. They are unpredicatable and can be very large; even near the shore. When a wave comes, depending on your perspective (key word there and another P word), the wave can blind you. You may not be able to see over it and therefore can not know what's on the other side of the wave once it passes.
I think Peter was in the same situation. He was walking on water towards Jesus. The wind kicked it up a knotch and caused some waves to block Peter's view. He panicked because he couldn't see Jesus through the wave. Where did Peter think Jesus was gonna go? I don't know, but he's Jesus. I probably would've freaked out myself. I mean, after all that Peter had seen Jesus do, how was he supposed to know that Jesus wouldn't do a Houdini and disappear; or be like others in Peter's life and leave him.
That was Jesus' point when he said in reply, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
Isn't that the point of all our testing? To really trust God even in the middle of a wave.
I mean, come on. We ask God for something. He says, "Okeedoekee" and then when he gives it to us, something doesn't go as we planned and we panic, wondering where he's gone ...
Peter probably thought walking on water was going to be a cake walk. Just like I thought asking God to help me love people by showing it and teach me patience (ooops, I said it) was going to be easy. No prob right? ... wrong. God was testing my faith in him to see me through; to see if I would follow through with him; to trust him. To know that he is there with me even though I can't see him over the waves.
Jesus didn't go any where. He was so close, in fact that the Bible says he reached out his hand and (I love this part) and caught him. Jesus caught him before he fell.
I love that!
I think in life, we let our problems and people and jobs and money and people and distractions and disappointments and people and mistrust take our eyes off Jesus. We focus on the wind and the waves keeping us from Jesus. But that's what we think.
We allow it to happen because we don't actually believe that Jesus is on the other side of the "wave". We don't actually believe he is who he said he is. We think that Jesus could actually treat us like some people we know and leave or betray us. Well, that wouldn't be Jesus then, would it?
It's ok though. Jesus is right on the other side of the wave. Our problems and people and all the other stuff that try to blind us from seeing him are only temporary. Jesus is right there, even though you can't see him through the waves in your life, he's there, ready to catch you if you just call out to him.
SO, like ... maybe my resolution for next year .. I'll ... like ... ask God to help me with .... um .... something a little easier this time. Like maybe .... the "D" word ... and I don't mean Dallas..... No, not that one either. It's my least fave "D" word .... Diligence. That should be easy .... right?
Yeah right! How much for that bridge? Well, let's see here ....
;o)
Take it easy!
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
Dude.... you have no idea. Like come ON already!
Like it seems I just finished taking a test and then BAMMO! He gladly gives me another one just to make sure I actually got it this time.
Ya see, that's the trouble when you ask God for wisdom and the "P" word. I'm not gonna say it cause then I'll get another test. So if I'm quiet and I don't actually say the word then maybe God won't hear me and test me with it.... again. I don't even think I am over this test yet.
Have you ever played or watched the $10,000 pyramid... ok well it's a word that means waiting.... be still .... someone’s in front of me and it's not my turn yet so I have to be .... I'd really like to tell you to be quiet but I will have be "blank" and wait for you to be quiet on your own .... you are trying my ....
I think you get the picture =D
Well, so there's this person. They tend to talk about things that have no relevance. And to top it all off, they think they are in the right and justify themselves all the time. But here's the kick in the pants, they think what they have to say is The most important thing like ever. And I think God is ... like ... testing me with the "P" word again with this one ... since I ask him everyday to help me figure out this "P" word ....
Plus, get this ... I ... like .. just so happened to have asked God to also help me love one another this year. That was my New Year's resolution last year "TO LIVE LOVE OUT LOUD" well, um. I kinda like forgot. SO I think God is holding me accountable to it this year. Thanks God. Really, no, I mean it, thanks. I'm enjoying it. (NOT)
Really, all kidding aside. It is a very difficult journey to like ... LOVE everyone. AND actually show it. What a challenge. What did I ask for. Holy canolli. I thought it would be easy. That is until just recently ... I discovered there are many tweaked individuals out there ... and I can't believe I thought it would be easy ....
Boy oh Boy! Oh boy!
Ok OK . So ... like .... I get it. Some people are just egocentric, stuck-up, self-centered, insensitive, insatiable, inconsiderate prigs.
So what to do .... what to do.
Ummmm.
Ummmmmmm.
OOOmmmmm.
That's me doing meditation ... yeah right! I have another bridge for ya.... it connects California to Hawaii ...
Well, I've been asking God to show me what love looks like around me and in his word (the Bible, for those of you who didn't know what "the word" is).
It's hard. It is really, really, really hard.
When I could actually show someone love, someone who is bugging the bees-wax out of me, I find myself wanting a way out ... I find myself trying to come up with excuses to leave.... or say something ... What is wrong with this picture..... AUGH!
That's not what I want to do.
And then in hind sight. .... I can see what I should have seen and then I can't say what I should have said. ....
I feel like I'm in the middle of a country western song ....
What I could've said
I didn't say
What I should've said
I didn't say
What I should've done
I didn't do
What I would've done
If I could've done ...
Well you add some twang and geetar to that and you gotch yerself a country soung....
Hey, ... I love country .. really.
What I have found is this: Life is full of challenges and God is there for each of them. Some people have unhealthy ways of dealing with their stuff; yet seem to be holding it all together. God created us so differently and yet He is the same. Isn't that cool! I think that's so cool. He doesn't change. He keeps his promises. It is difficult for us to understnad because we are merely human. But God helped us understand through his son Jesus.
Jesus came to Earth to help us understand who God is as well as how to live life God's way. He showed us. Ya see, before, all the people had was a bunch of books and the high priests. Then Jesus came: A living, breathing testiment of who God really is. WOW! I wish I would've been there. I think I would pick the time when Peter walked on water.
Why? Well, because I don't think he took his eyes of Jesus. Hear me out ... I think the waves blocked his view and he couldn't see Jesus, therefore, causing him to panick and sink.
Matthew 14:30 says "but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'"
Here's what I think. When the wind came, it stirred up some waves, and even though Jesus wasn't far, Peter lost sight of him and freaked!
We live near Cocoa, so the beach is so enticing this time of year. However, I have been wading; my calves haven't even gotten wet and I've been knocked on my kisser my waves. They are unpredicatable and can be very large; even near the shore. When a wave comes, depending on your perspective (key word there and another P word), the wave can blind you. You may not be able to see over it and therefore can not know what's on the other side of the wave once it passes.
I think Peter was in the same situation. He was walking on water towards Jesus. The wind kicked it up a knotch and caused some waves to block Peter's view. He panicked because he couldn't see Jesus through the wave. Where did Peter think Jesus was gonna go? I don't know, but he's Jesus. I probably would've freaked out myself. I mean, after all that Peter had seen Jesus do, how was he supposed to know that Jesus wouldn't do a Houdini and disappear; or be like others in Peter's life and leave him.
That was Jesus' point when he said in reply, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
Isn't that the point of all our testing? To really trust God even in the middle of a wave.
I mean, come on. We ask God for something. He says, "Okeedoekee" and then when he gives it to us, something doesn't go as we planned and we panic, wondering where he's gone ...
Peter probably thought walking on water was going to be a cake walk. Just like I thought asking God to help me love people by showing it and teach me patience (ooops, I said it) was going to be easy. No prob right? ... wrong. God was testing my faith in him to see me through; to see if I would follow through with him; to trust him. To know that he is there with me even though I can't see him over the waves.
Jesus didn't go any where. He was so close, in fact that the Bible says he reached out his hand and (I love this part) and caught him. Jesus caught him before he fell.
I love that!
I think in life, we let our problems and people and jobs and money and people and distractions and disappointments and people and mistrust take our eyes off Jesus. We focus on the wind and the waves keeping us from Jesus. But that's what we think.
We allow it to happen because we don't actually believe that Jesus is on the other side of the "wave". We don't actually believe he is who he said he is. We think that Jesus could actually treat us like some people we know and leave or betray us. Well, that wouldn't be Jesus then, would it?
It's ok though. Jesus is right on the other side of the wave. Our problems and people and all the other stuff that try to blind us from seeing him are only temporary. Jesus is right there, even though you can't see him through the waves in your life, he's there, ready to catch you if you just call out to him.
SO, like ... maybe my resolution for next year .. I'll ... like ... ask God to help me with .... um .... something a little easier this time. Like maybe .... the "D" word ... and I don't mean Dallas..... No, not that one either. It's my least fave "D" word .... Diligence. That should be easy .... right?
Yeah right! How much for that bridge? Well, let's see here ....
;o)
Take it easy!
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Testing
I don't know about you, but I hate tests. Tests at school, tests at the doctors office; you name it, I probably wouldn't like it.
My doctor wants me to get a blood test, my professors want me to take tests ... even God wants me to take tests.
It's not the test that I don't like, it's the results.
I don't necessarily have to prepare or prep for a blood test, nor do I have to worry about the results; but I do.
When I prepare for a "book" test, I know what will be on it and I leave thinking I failed. I dread the results and yet, I know I performed well.
I pray and seek God's guidance and try to make each day count as a success at the end of the day and yet I still feel as though I have failed the test God may or may not have given me.
Why in the world is that?
I think it's due to my insatiable fear of failure.
Who knows.
All I know is this: No matter how prepared I believe I am for the results, I am almost always anxious about the results.
Going to Heaven and hearing "Well done, Jess", then I will know I passed the test here on Earth. Seeing the results and the fruit of my labor here on Earth is evidence that I have passed the test. However, alleviating the angst I feel every time I have completed a test and not knowing how well I have performed makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Thank God, I can take all my cares to the Lord.
Thank God, that he actually cares about how I feel about tests. ... maybe that's why he gives them to me so often.... so that I may one day trust Him and see His hand in each test I am given; Earthly or Heavenly.
My doctor wants me to get a blood test, my professors want me to take tests ... even God wants me to take tests.
It's not the test that I don't like, it's the results.
I don't necessarily have to prepare or prep for a blood test, nor do I have to worry about the results; but I do.
When I prepare for a "book" test, I know what will be on it and I leave thinking I failed. I dread the results and yet, I know I performed well.
I pray and seek God's guidance and try to make each day count as a success at the end of the day and yet I still feel as though I have failed the test God may or may not have given me.
Why in the world is that?
I think it's due to my insatiable fear of failure.
Who knows.
All I know is this: No matter how prepared I believe I am for the results, I am almost always anxious about the results.
Going to Heaven and hearing "Well done, Jess", then I will know I passed the test here on Earth. Seeing the results and the fruit of my labor here on Earth is evidence that I have passed the test. However, alleviating the angst I feel every time I have completed a test and not knowing how well I have performed makes me incredibly uncomfortable.
Thank God, I can take all my cares to the Lord.
Thank God, that he actually cares about how I feel about tests. ... maybe that's why he gives them to me so often.... so that I may one day trust Him and see His hand in each test I am given; Earthly or Heavenly.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Why God ... and this time it's serious!
Have you ever wondered why God allows certain things to happen?
I have.
Here's just some of the things I think about.
Why is it that someone who loves children can't have them and has a lot of trouble adopting, yet someone who is clearly a hazard to the health of a child spits them out like no body's business (and has no trouble at all adopting and being a part of the foster care system - go DCF!)???
Have you ever wondered why God takes the sweetest people you have ever known at such a young age and yet leaves the nastiest people here?
Why is it that parents who belong to MENSA have children with an IQ of 40?
How can God allow someone who has never had health issues, eats right, exercises goes to the doctors' regularly - now have cancer?
I recently finished the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. In it he discusses three important things about why God allows suffering.
1- God did not send Christ to make our lives easier and becoming a Christ follower does not give you a stamp of approval for a worry free, problem free, stress free, care free, disease free life.
2- When God seems to be MIA, he is actually doing some very important work in your life.
3- Getting good things in life is great, but when bad things happen it allows us an opportunity to get to know God for who he is.
Never give up on God, be mad, be upset, cry, scream, be honest, but don't give up.
He's there. He's right there. Don't think in humans terms of "feeling his presence" because God is not human. Don't give up.
I have.
Here's just some of the things I think about.
Why is it that someone who loves children can't have them and has a lot of trouble adopting, yet someone who is clearly a hazard to the health of a child spits them out like no body's business (and has no trouble at all adopting and being a part of the foster care system - go DCF!)???
Have you ever wondered why God takes the sweetest people you have ever known at such a young age and yet leaves the nastiest people here?
Why is it that parents who belong to MENSA have children with an IQ of 40?
How can God allow someone who has never had health issues, eats right, exercises goes to the doctors' regularly - now have cancer?
I recently finished the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. In it he discusses three important things about why God allows suffering.
1- God did not send Christ to make our lives easier and becoming a Christ follower does not give you a stamp of approval for a worry free, problem free, stress free, care free, disease free life.
2- When God seems to be MIA, he is actually doing some very important work in your life.
3- Getting good things in life is great, but when bad things happen it allows us an opportunity to get to know God for who he is.
Never give up on God, be mad, be upset, cry, scream, be honest, but don't give up.
He's there. He's right there. Don't think in humans terms of "feeling his presence" because God is not human. Don't give up.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Really, God, Why?
Just some things I'd like to know ...
I love ham & turkey, but why does it have to give me migraines?
Why can't I drink certain beverages without puking?
Why is it that kids don't hear what you want them to hear, yet always hear what you don't want them to hear?
I love cheese, so why can't I eat any kind I want to without getting a headache?
Why don't guys understand that the dominoes comercial with the guy who says, "Honey the dominoes lady says we have 30 minutes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" is actually true?
Why do people actually think green bean casserole is good?
Why did you make green beans anyway, no one likes them unless they are diguised as a casserole?
What really happened to the dinosaurs?
And how come if Darwin retracted his whole "Darwin Theory" why are people still so bent on persuing the issue and its' relavance?
Why can't learning a second language be as simple as riding a bike?
And why can't remembering be as easy as never forgetting how to ride a bike?
Chocolate? Why did you make it taste so good?
And the things that are good for us, taste so much better with chocolate?
Why does broccoli look like a miniature shrub?
When you flooded the world, what happened to all the water creatures; since some can't survive in salt water and some can't survive in fresh water ... I don't get it?
What ever happened to Molly Wringwald?
When can the Buffalo Bills actually like, win a super bowl ... really?
And like when can like the 80's come back, cuz like I like totally like miss it and stuff.....
Why can't working out for 30 minutes a day produce results as fast as eating 30 minutes a day does?
Since science is so incredable and like my favorite thing in the whole wise world, I mean wide world, could you please make it possible for men to experience PMS ... just once, please? I think it will take just one man to send the message ... well, maybe not.
What's really in McDonald's chicken nuggets?
Will pigs ever learn to fly?
I think that's all for now.
What a fun day!
I love ham & turkey, but why does it have to give me migraines?
Why can't I drink certain beverages without puking?
Why is it that kids don't hear what you want them to hear, yet always hear what you don't want them to hear?
I love cheese, so why can't I eat any kind I want to without getting a headache?
Why don't guys understand that the dominoes comercial with the guy who says, "Honey the dominoes lady says we have 30 minutes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" is actually true?
Why do people actually think green bean casserole is good?
Why did you make green beans anyway, no one likes them unless they are diguised as a casserole?
What really happened to the dinosaurs?
And how come if Darwin retracted his whole "Darwin Theory" why are people still so bent on persuing the issue and its' relavance?
Why can't learning a second language be as simple as riding a bike?
And why can't remembering be as easy as never forgetting how to ride a bike?
Chocolate? Why did you make it taste so good?
And the things that are good for us, taste so much better with chocolate?
Why does broccoli look like a miniature shrub?
When you flooded the world, what happened to all the water creatures; since some can't survive in salt water and some can't survive in fresh water ... I don't get it?
What ever happened to Molly Wringwald?
When can the Buffalo Bills actually like, win a super bowl ... really?
And like when can like the 80's come back, cuz like I like totally like miss it and stuff.....
Why can't working out for 30 minutes a day produce results as fast as eating 30 minutes a day does?
Since science is so incredable and like my favorite thing in the whole wise world, I mean wide world, could you please make it possible for men to experience PMS ... just once, please? I think it will take just one man to send the message ... well, maybe not.
What's really in McDonald's chicken nuggets?
Will pigs ever learn to fly?
I think that's all for now.
What a fun day!
Monday, March 17, 2008
Forgive Myself ... Forgive Myself ... Forgive ...
I don't know about you but there are many things that plague my life. One of them is the uncanny ability I have at dwelling on dumb things that I have done, either to myself or others. Oh it's fun, you oughta try it ... NOT!
I've messed up cars, broken things, lost things, wrecked relationships, trashed people; I mean you name it, I've probably done it ... or at least thought about doing it, or just haven't done it yet.
It's life, I am bound to mess up every now and then. However, when I do, I feel like the worst person on the planet. Like it's my fault or something. Or better yet, let's say I legitimately offend someone. I do like the Bible says and go to them and try to apologize and seek forgiveness. They say yeah, ok, alright, don't worry ... yada yada yada. BUT, they don't act like they have forgiven me, causing me to feel like I am the very worst ever and nothing I can ever do will make things better.
Now, that's the truth. There is nothing I can do to make it any better. Even if the other person won't forgive me, there is nothing I can do about it. Does that change the fact that I did something wrong? No. I asked God to forgive me and I sought forgiveness from the person; so why don't I feel any better.
That is a legitimate question. The reason I don't and probably won't feel better is because I haven't forgiven myself for being a rude, obnoxious, potty mouth, stubborn jackass, etc ...
Every time I revisit the past, full of garbage only God and a few others know about, I have forgiven the people, have asked God to forgive me, and if possible, I have sought forgiveness from others. And I would still feel like I was the worst person in the world ... Why? I was not forgiving myself.
My pastor talked about this yesterday. He said that I cannot grow if I don't let go. I need to be able to forgive myself, otherwise I will stay stuck in the current situation; even if God has already forgiven me of it. Weird, huh?
It is by far the hardest thing for a stubborn perfectionistic person like myself to do. I mean, I'm supposed to be perfect. I don't make mistakes. Well, I do, but when I do, I find they are only due to circumstances beyond my control and such things like that. (yeah, right. If you believe that, I've got some ocean side porperty in Arizona for ya)
So, what to do .... what to do ....
Forgive myself.
It goes like this.
Lord God, I forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up, for not being the citizen of Heaven you've called me to be. I forgive myself for embarrassing myself and others. I forgive myself for not being who you have created me to be, but being whom I think I should have been created to be. Lord, forgive me for being arrogant and prideful in thinking that you couldn't possibly forgive me. I forgive myself for being arrogant and prideful, in that I think I can do a better job than you can sometimes. Well, who am I kidding, all the time. Forgive me for not trusting you. And I coose to forgive myself for not trusting you.
Forgive me for thinking that I can not forgive myself because I am supposed to be perfect and I deserve to feel like crap. Lord God, help me to forgive myself and to be mindful of my own self righteousness when I don't accept your forgiveness; and act as though there is something I can do to earn your forgiveness. Thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. You are so deserving of my praise. Thank you for your daily reassurances and reminders of your love and presence. I love you Lord.
Now, it's up to me to remember this and to do it each time I find myself blaming myself and being stuck in the muck of life.
Do I want to grow or be stuck collecting dust on a shelf somewhere?
I've messed up cars, broken things, lost things, wrecked relationships, trashed people; I mean you name it, I've probably done it ... or at least thought about doing it, or just haven't done it yet.
It's life, I am bound to mess up every now and then. However, when I do, I feel like the worst person on the planet. Like it's my fault or something. Or better yet, let's say I legitimately offend someone. I do like the Bible says and go to them and try to apologize and seek forgiveness. They say yeah, ok, alright, don't worry ... yada yada yada. BUT, they don't act like they have forgiven me, causing me to feel like I am the very worst ever and nothing I can ever do will make things better.
Now, that's the truth. There is nothing I can do to make it any better. Even if the other person won't forgive me, there is nothing I can do about it. Does that change the fact that I did something wrong? No. I asked God to forgive me and I sought forgiveness from the person; so why don't I feel any better.
That is a legitimate question. The reason I don't and probably won't feel better is because I haven't forgiven myself for being a rude, obnoxious, potty mouth, stubborn jackass, etc ...
Every time I revisit the past, full of garbage only God and a few others know about, I have forgiven the people, have asked God to forgive me, and if possible, I have sought forgiveness from others. And I would still feel like I was the worst person in the world ... Why? I was not forgiving myself.
My pastor talked about this yesterday. He said that I cannot grow if I don't let go. I need to be able to forgive myself, otherwise I will stay stuck in the current situation; even if God has already forgiven me of it. Weird, huh?
It is by far the hardest thing for a stubborn perfectionistic person like myself to do. I mean, I'm supposed to be perfect. I don't make mistakes. Well, I do, but when I do, I find they are only due to circumstances beyond my control and such things like that. (yeah, right. If you believe that, I've got some ocean side porperty in Arizona for ya)
So, what to do .... what to do ....
Forgive myself.
It goes like this.
Lord God, I forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up, for not being the citizen of Heaven you've called me to be. I forgive myself for embarrassing myself and others. I forgive myself for not being who you have created me to be, but being whom I think I should have been created to be. Lord, forgive me for being arrogant and prideful in thinking that you couldn't possibly forgive me. I forgive myself for being arrogant and prideful, in that I think I can do a better job than you can sometimes. Well, who am I kidding, all the time. Forgive me for not trusting you. And I coose to forgive myself for not trusting you.
Forgive me for thinking that I can not forgive myself because I am supposed to be perfect and I deserve to feel like crap. Lord God, help me to forgive myself and to be mindful of my own self righteousness when I don't accept your forgiveness; and act as though there is something I can do to earn your forgiveness. Thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. You are so deserving of my praise. Thank you for your daily reassurances and reminders of your love and presence. I love you Lord.
Now, it's up to me to remember this and to do it each time I find myself blaming myself and being stuck in the muck of life.
Do I want to grow or be stuck collecting dust on a shelf somewhere?
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Nothin but Net
I enjoy basketball. I used to watch it all the time, but now that I am married to a man who is allergic to sports, it's rather difficult ... :o)
It's hard being a woman and explaining something "manly" to a man ... Oh, well. He doesn't care whether he understands it; I think he enjoys me explaining it as well as yelling at the TV :op
I love the Saracuse Orangemen and the New York Knicks.
And since I am a New York fan, it's rather difficult watching my teams play without spending bookoo bucks all year.
What a love the most is the squeeky sound of the sneakers on the court ... what a sound.
And the announcers ... "Nothin but net!"
And the fans waving funky balloons and signs behind the foul line to distract the shooter ... although I think the only one it worked for was Shak ... sorry, but what a bad free throw shooter he was .... I'm glad I have never been a fan of one of his teams ...
I don't know the stats, but I know they weren't good. He compensated for it in other ways on the court, though.
It was fun watching others play against him. I remember one game when he was with the Lakers. That game was super close and the other team actually fouled him on purpose because they knew he wouldn't make the free throws... poor guy ... oh the tactics of basketball.
Evil .... and so mean.
To foul someone on purpose ... how rude. :o)
Hey, they use similar tactics in football; it's called "Time out" when there is less than 2 minutes left on the clock in the fourth quarter ... oh man! It get's the other team's jock straps in a bunch!
It's fabulous!
I love sport! (well, except for soccer, lacross and tennis)
I can't wait for baseball season to actually begin.... I miss watching my Yankees play!
By far, the best team in the nation!
Now if I could only say that about the Buffallo Bills!
and no ... Pastor Byron, I will not convert over to the winning side with Dallas; I'd feel like a trader ... even though I do love their colors ... the coordinate with everything.
:o)
I love sports!
It's hard being a woman and explaining something "manly" to a man ... Oh, well. He doesn't care whether he understands it; I think he enjoys me explaining it as well as yelling at the TV :op
I love the Saracuse Orangemen and the New York Knicks.
And since I am a New York fan, it's rather difficult watching my teams play without spending bookoo bucks all year.
What a love the most is the squeeky sound of the sneakers on the court ... what a sound.
And the announcers ... "Nothin but net!"
And the fans waving funky balloons and signs behind the foul line to distract the shooter ... although I think the only one it worked for was Shak ... sorry, but what a bad free throw shooter he was .... I'm glad I have never been a fan of one of his teams ...
I don't know the stats, but I know they weren't good. He compensated for it in other ways on the court, though.
It was fun watching others play against him. I remember one game when he was with the Lakers. That game was super close and the other team actually fouled him on purpose because they knew he wouldn't make the free throws... poor guy ... oh the tactics of basketball.
Evil .... and so mean.
To foul someone on purpose ... how rude. :o)
Hey, they use similar tactics in football; it's called "Time out" when there is less than 2 minutes left on the clock in the fourth quarter ... oh man! It get's the other team's jock straps in a bunch!
It's fabulous!
I love sport! (well, except for soccer, lacross and tennis)
I can't wait for baseball season to actually begin.... I miss watching my Yankees play!
By far, the best team in the nation!
Now if I could only say that about the Buffallo Bills!
and no ... Pastor Byron, I will not convert over to the winning side with Dallas; I'd feel like a trader ... even though I do love their colors ... the coordinate with everything.
:o)
I love sports!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Lessons I'm Still Learning
If you have read my blog, you know that I have had some difficulties with a group member, and although the situation has been resolved, there are still many underlying issues that I am trying to deal with appropriately.
Just recently, someone shed some light on this event. She said that since we are involved in a Christ centered atmosphere and learning how to become ambassadors for Christ in the counseling realm, we should expect Satan to get his panties in a bunch about that. He's none to happy about us learning how to be effective Christian counselors and will use whatever tactics possible to destroy us; whether it be to dash our dreams, run us down with negative thoughts, tear us apart by differences, separate us through difficulties or run us through with lies and dissension. I have been a Christ follower for a long time, long enough to know this (as well as many others things) but had forgotten it. Sad, but true.
Jesus warns us that Satan is like a lion that prowls around looking for someone to devour. He’s a devourer. Ouch. Jesus also tells us that Satan is a wolf in sheep’s clothing as well as one who masquerades as a messenger of God. That is to say, you may be thinking that what you are doing is of God's will, but it's really Satan tricking you into believing you are doing God's work.
Fascinating, I know. Satan is a sneaky, slimy, son of a biscuit eating bull dog. We need to be on our guard, vigilant in our walk with Christ as it relates to His calling on our lives.
I neglected to do this. I wasn't praying over my heart, nor my life and future career for that matter. I kind of took for granted the fact that I was in a Christ centered environment that "everything's going to be alright." That is far from true. Satan will look for any sign of weakness in my life and attack. Any sign.
I have many weaknesses, but I also have many strengths. As long as I am keenly aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are, I can be on my guard and in prayer that the Lord will protect me from Satan. In the book of Ephesians, Paul tells us, in chapter six, to wear the armor of God; be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against Satan's schemes (and he has a boat load).
For our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish ALL the flaming arrows of Satan, the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on ALL occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Wow! I once heard someone say that they actually practiced this in front of the mirror as they got ready for their day. And ya know something? I think I need to start doing the same thing. It's so easy to do.
I once heard another someone say, If Satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy. So, I think it is then, up to me to make every effort, as Paul said, to live in peace with others in my life as well as be alert and on guard, like a sentinel.
In Washington D.C. the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, symbolizing those unknown soldiers from WWI, WW II, Korea, and the Vietnam War, who fought in defense of this Nation's integrity, honor and tranquility. Since April 6, 1948, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been guarded by the Tomb Guard of the U.S. Army’s 3rd Infantry Regiment, otherwise known as The Old Guard. The tomb is guarded 24 hours a day every day of the year, by a sentinel.
While on duty, the sentinel (the guard stationed in case of a surprise attack) crosses a 63-foot rubber surfaced walkway in exactly 21 steps. He then faces the Tomb for 21 seconds, turns again, and pauses an additional 21 seconds before retracing his steps. The number 21 is symbolic of the highest salute according to dignitaries in military and state ceremonies.
"Here Rests In Honored Glory An American Soldier Known But To God" the inscription on the grave
I must be as the sentinel; vigilant and always prepared for a surprise attack.
Just recently, someone shed some light on this event. She said that since we are involved in a Christ centered atmosphere and learning how to become ambassadors for Christ in the counseling realm, we should expect Satan to get his panties in a bunch about that. He's none to happy about us learning how to be effective Christian counselors and will use whatever tactics possible to destroy us; whether it be to dash our dreams, run us down with negative thoughts, tear us apart by differences, separate us through difficulties or run us through with lies and dissension. I have been a Christ follower for a long time, long enough to know this (as well as many others things) but had forgotten it. Sad, but true.
Jesus warns us that Satan is like a lion that prowls around looking for someone to devour. He’s a devourer. Ouch. Jesus also tells us that Satan is a wolf in sheep’s clothing as well as one who masquerades as a messenger of God. That is to say, you may be thinking that what you are doing is of God's will, but it's really Satan tricking you into believing you are doing God's work.
Fascinating, I know. Satan is a sneaky, slimy, son of a biscuit eating bull dog. We need to be on our guard, vigilant in our walk with Christ as it relates to His calling on our lives.
I neglected to do this. I wasn't praying over my heart, nor my life and future career for that matter. I kind of took for granted the fact that I was in a Christ centered environment that "everything's going to be alright." That is far from true. Satan will look for any sign of weakness in my life and attack. Any sign.
I have many weaknesses, but I also have many strengths. As long as I am keenly aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are, I can be on my guard and in prayer that the Lord will protect me from Satan. In the book of Ephesians, Paul tells us, in chapter six, to wear the armor of God; be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against Satan's schemes (and he has a boat load).
For our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish ALL the flaming arrows of Satan, the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on ALL occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.
Wow! I once heard someone say that they actually practiced this in front of the mirror as they got ready for their day. And ya know something? I think I need to start doing the same thing. It's so easy to do.
I once heard another someone say, If Satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy. So, I think it is then, up to me to make every effort, as Paul said, to live in peace with others in my life as well as be alert and on guard, like a sentinel.
In Washington D.C. the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, symbolizing those unknown soldiers from WWI, WW II, Korea, and the Vietnam War, who fought in defense of this Nation's integrity, honor and tranquility. Since April 6, 1948, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been guarded by the Tomb Guard of the U.S. Army’s 3rd Infantry Regiment, otherwise known as The Old Guard. The tomb is guarded 24 hours a day every day of the year, by a sentinel.
While on duty, the sentinel (the guard stationed in case of a surprise attack) crosses a 63-foot rubber surfaced walkway in exactly 21 steps. He then faces the Tomb for 21 seconds, turns again, and pauses an additional 21 seconds before retracing his steps. The number 21 is symbolic of the highest salute according to dignitaries in military and state ceremonies.
"Here Rests In Honored Glory An American Soldier Known But To God" the inscription on the grave
I must be as the sentinel; vigilant and always prepared for a surprise attack.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
So Sleepy ... and Mr. Pointer Hurts
I am so tired today ... I stayed up too late after my class.
So this will be like a punch drunk blog today ....
No spell checks and no re-reading... yeah me! (clapping my hands, carefully)
I think I spranged Mr. Pointer finger yesterday moving a chair!
Moving a Chair!
How does one do such a thing?
Ouch. It hurts to type...
Thank goodness it's my left hand....
I begin a new class tomorrow!
Yeah!
Thank goodness I have nothing spectacular to do today ...
Maybe I should paint my living room like I was supposed to do over spring break ...
Naaa.
I'll imagine it painted for now ... much too sleepy
and besides ... my finger hurts. ...
Are there any finger doctors out there ....
=D
So this will be like a punch drunk blog today ....
No spell checks and no re-reading... yeah me! (clapping my hands, carefully)
I think I spranged Mr. Pointer finger yesterday moving a chair!
Moving a Chair!
How does one do such a thing?
Ouch. It hurts to type...
Thank goodness it's my left hand....
I begin a new class tomorrow!
Yeah!
Thank goodness I have nothing spectacular to do today ...
Maybe I should paint my living room like I was supposed to do over spring break ...
Naaa.
I'll imagine it painted for now ... much too sleepy
and besides ... my finger hurts. ...
Are there any finger doctors out there ....
=D
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Disney's Fun - But Not My Kinda Fun!
I didn't write anything yesterday and I'm ok with that =D
But I thought of writing something while I was off to Lala Land and this morning when I woke up, you guessed it, I forgot. Bummer. I should keep a notebook and my light up pen next to my bed.
I have class tonight. Well, everyday I have class; but today, I am actually going to class cause my spring break is over. Boo hoo hoo.
It was a restful break. Lots of lounging and watching CSI and Forensic Files and Cold Case Files. I love those shows. Now, besides CSI, that's my idea of reality TV. Peoples lives turned upside down. That's not why I enjoy it. I enjoy it because of a long time dream of mine to either be a police officer, detective, crime lab - lab rat, or a crime scene investigator.
I fell in love with this type of work back in junior high with Ted Bundy. What an absolute intreguing case. He was definately a mad man, but a very convincing one to say the least. Did you know he had a rotting corpse in his closet because he hadn't had time to dispose of it. Three or four days it was there and when his girlfriend would come over, she actually believed that it was rotting meat in his fridge that he had just thrown away. Love is blind. Or is that just dumb love? Who knows.
When I graduated from high school, I went into psychology because, now I don't tell many people this, but I wanted to be a forensic psychiatrist. I also thought about becoming a profiler. But then I started to love biology and chemistry more than psychology ( I think it had more to do with my professors than anything). My biology prof used to crack me up, my chemistry prof was a tiny little german woman and my chemistry tutor was a babe. Woohoo, so I changed my major. And graduated Sigma Cum Laude. Yeah! Transfered to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and conitnued my biology degree.
I had an interview with the Albany Crime Lab and dropped out of the running because I would have had to work the graveyard shift. Without a car and taking a bus from downtown Troy to downtown Albany was like saying, "Yes, please I would like to be shot at point blank range. I don't mind, really." NO thanks!
Then I moved to Orlando and worked for Disney. Woop dee doo da day! How exciting, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I write these words ....
I never forgot about my dream of working with "mad men" though. And mad ladies, too, but not as much. I am so captivated and intrigued by the mentallity of crime and what makes a person do what they do! It gets me so excited ... more than Disney!
So, now I am in the master's program for counseling pych at PBA. I have three interests, one is working with pastor's and their families; another is working with parents who have children that have been through trama, like abandonment, foster care, adoption and the like; and lastly, I would like to become a forensic psychologist or a profiler. Still. I am so excited thinking about it right now.
I am just praying that God would lead me to where he wants me to be. I do believe that he wants to give us our dreams because he is the one who gave them to us to begin with. Read the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson - Awesome book! I need to surrender my desires and dreams to him and allow him to work through me and my dreams.
I have always been told to do what I love doing. That way, I won't ever get bored. Well, I loved Biology and working in the lab ... I got bored within 6 months. I loved Chemistry and working in the lab ... I got bored after about 3 months. But you know what I have never grown weary or bored of .... people and their psychosis. What makes them tick. I am always trying to figure that out. Sometimes I can't, but it gives me great energy thinking about it and processing it all.
Lead on, God. I will honor you in whatever career you bestow upon me; however, I would really like something I won't get bored with, pretty please. With sugar on top ... and maybe some rum raisin ice cream so I can try it while I wait. =D
Happy reading!
Happy Day!
And don't forget
that come what may
always look up
and always pray!
But I thought of writing something while I was off to Lala Land and this morning when I woke up, you guessed it, I forgot. Bummer. I should keep a notebook and my light up pen next to my bed.
I have class tonight. Well, everyday I have class; but today, I am actually going to class cause my spring break is over. Boo hoo hoo.
It was a restful break. Lots of lounging and watching CSI and Forensic Files and Cold Case Files. I love those shows. Now, besides CSI, that's my idea of reality TV. Peoples lives turned upside down. That's not why I enjoy it. I enjoy it because of a long time dream of mine to either be a police officer, detective, crime lab - lab rat, or a crime scene investigator.
I fell in love with this type of work back in junior high with Ted Bundy. What an absolute intreguing case. He was definately a mad man, but a very convincing one to say the least. Did you know he had a rotting corpse in his closet because he hadn't had time to dispose of it. Three or four days it was there and when his girlfriend would come over, she actually believed that it was rotting meat in his fridge that he had just thrown away. Love is blind. Or is that just dumb love? Who knows.
When I graduated from high school, I went into psychology because, now I don't tell many people this, but I wanted to be a forensic psychiatrist. I also thought about becoming a profiler. But then I started to love biology and chemistry more than psychology ( I think it had more to do with my professors than anything). My biology prof used to crack me up, my chemistry prof was a tiny little german woman and my chemistry tutor was a babe. Woohoo, so I changed my major. And graduated Sigma Cum Laude. Yeah! Transfered to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and conitnued my biology degree.
I had an interview with the Albany Crime Lab and dropped out of the running because I would have had to work the graveyard shift. Without a car and taking a bus from downtown Troy to downtown Albany was like saying, "Yes, please I would like to be shot at point blank range. I don't mind, really." NO thanks!
Then I moved to Orlando and worked for Disney. Woop dee doo da day! How exciting, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I write these words ....
I never forgot about my dream of working with "mad men" though. And mad ladies, too, but not as much. I am so captivated and intrigued by the mentallity of crime and what makes a person do what they do! It gets me so excited ... more than Disney!
So, now I am in the master's program for counseling pych at PBA. I have three interests, one is working with pastor's and their families; another is working with parents who have children that have been through trama, like abandonment, foster care, adoption and the like; and lastly, I would like to become a forensic psychologist or a profiler. Still. I am so excited thinking about it right now.
I am just praying that God would lead me to where he wants me to be. I do believe that he wants to give us our dreams because he is the one who gave them to us to begin with. Read the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson - Awesome book! I need to surrender my desires and dreams to him and allow him to work through me and my dreams.
I have always been told to do what I love doing. That way, I won't ever get bored. Well, I loved Biology and working in the lab ... I got bored within 6 months. I loved Chemistry and working in the lab ... I got bored after about 3 months. But you know what I have never grown weary or bored of .... people and their psychosis. What makes them tick. I am always trying to figure that out. Sometimes I can't, but it gives me great energy thinking about it and processing it all.
Lead on, God. I will honor you in whatever career you bestow upon me; however, I would really like something I won't get bored with, pretty please. With sugar on top ... and maybe some rum raisin ice cream so I can try it while I wait. =D
Happy reading!
Happy Day!
And don't forget
that come what may
always look up
and always pray!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Your Story
What a great day at C3! One of my friends spoke this morning! She was fantabulous! I don't care what you say, she was great and I am so proud of her!
Listening to her speak of her past reminded me of something.
We all have a story to tell. In this book I read called "To be Told" by Dan Allender, he said that God is the author of our story and we are the co-authors. We all have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Obviously, our beginning is when we were born, and for most of you, myself included, you don't remember before the age of three unless it was told to you.
Be honest.... :o)
The end is also very apparent, in that we all die. Some a lot more graciously than others, but it's true; death is our end.
The middle is all the stuff that happens from the beginning to the end. Some think that our stories can not be changed; well that is only partially true. We cannot rewrite what has already happened, but you can still pen what will happen. It's up to you what you will write from here on out. You can pen things well or worse. Your ending can be a tragedy or a musical; God only knows, but you are responsible for the choices that occur during that time.
We can't change our past, but my pastor said that the choices we make for our furture is important. We can choose to be angry or bitter about our past or we can choose to forgive and not allow our past define our future.
My friend said that Satan isn't as conserned about our present as he is our future; he'd rather destroy our future. This is true because Satan knows that God is our future and Satan will try and undermind that by sabataging your idea of a better future in spite of your past. He will trick you into thinking that you will never escape your past; your past defines you.
Don't believe the lies. Your past does not in any way define you. Jesus Christ defines you. When God sees you, he sees Christ, not your past. Even if you were unkind to the cashier yesterday, rude to your spouse, screamed at your kids. Even if you were raped, molested, cutting, drugging, hooking. When you accept Christ, God sees you as he sees his Son - blameless.
You can write your present and your future anyway you want it. It doesn't have to be full of regret and fear. It can be loaded with the precious promise of a better end than what you might have thought before you let your past define you.
I struggle with failure and perfectionistic-isms. :o)
For example, I will read and re-read this blog about 20 times before I am finally satisfied and publish it. Now if that isn't perfectionistic-ism, I don't know what is... but God's workin' me .. trust me. One day, I promise, I won't proof read a blog and there will be a boat load of mistakes.
You'll see. One day .... maybe not tomorrow ... or the next day ... soon :op
Back to what I was saying. My end does not have to be defined by my failures or my perfectionistic attributes. My end is defined by my position is Christ.
So, pen your precious thoughts of yesterday without the fear and the regret; Christ was there when all the mess happened to you. Pen your thoughts of today, He's with you right now, even if nothing in particular is happening. Pen your thoughts about the future without the fear and intrepedation of the other shoe falling to the floor. Your future is secure in Christ no matter how nice or rotten you are today or tomorrow.
You are just as important as any one and your story matters; beginning, middle and end. You and God can write your story with a better ending than you ever thought possible.
Don't give up.
Listening to her speak of her past reminded me of something.
We all have a story to tell. In this book I read called "To be Told" by Dan Allender, he said that God is the author of our story and we are the co-authors. We all have a beginning, a middle and an end.
Obviously, our beginning is when we were born, and for most of you, myself included, you don't remember before the age of three unless it was told to you.
Be honest.... :o)
The end is also very apparent, in that we all die. Some a lot more graciously than others, but it's true; death is our end.
The middle is all the stuff that happens from the beginning to the end. Some think that our stories can not be changed; well that is only partially true. We cannot rewrite what has already happened, but you can still pen what will happen. It's up to you what you will write from here on out. You can pen things well or worse. Your ending can be a tragedy or a musical; God only knows, but you are responsible for the choices that occur during that time.
We can't change our past, but my pastor said that the choices we make for our furture is important. We can choose to be angry or bitter about our past or we can choose to forgive and not allow our past define our future.
My friend said that Satan isn't as conserned about our present as he is our future; he'd rather destroy our future. This is true because Satan knows that God is our future and Satan will try and undermind that by sabataging your idea of a better future in spite of your past. He will trick you into thinking that you will never escape your past; your past defines you.
Don't believe the lies. Your past does not in any way define you. Jesus Christ defines you. When God sees you, he sees Christ, not your past. Even if you were unkind to the cashier yesterday, rude to your spouse, screamed at your kids. Even if you were raped, molested, cutting, drugging, hooking. When you accept Christ, God sees you as he sees his Son - blameless.
You can write your present and your future anyway you want it. It doesn't have to be full of regret and fear. It can be loaded with the precious promise of a better end than what you might have thought before you let your past define you.
I struggle with failure and perfectionistic-isms. :o)
For example, I will read and re-read this blog about 20 times before I am finally satisfied and publish it. Now if that isn't perfectionistic-ism, I don't know what is... but God's workin' me .. trust me. One day, I promise, I won't proof read a blog and there will be a boat load of mistakes.
You'll see. One day .... maybe not tomorrow ... or the next day ... soon :op
Back to what I was saying. My end does not have to be defined by my failures or my perfectionistic attributes. My end is defined by my position is Christ.
So, pen your precious thoughts of yesterday without the fear and the regret; Christ was there when all the mess happened to you. Pen your thoughts of today, He's with you right now, even if nothing in particular is happening. Pen your thoughts about the future without the fear and intrepedation of the other shoe falling to the floor. Your future is secure in Christ no matter how nice or rotten you are today or tomorrow.
You are just as important as any one and your story matters; beginning, middle and end. You and God can write your story with a better ending than you ever thought possible.
Don't give up.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
What a Day!
Yesterday was a blast. I had written how nervous I was, but after being with these women, I can't think for a minute why I would have been so nervous. Morning Glories has the best omlets I have ever tasted; I had a Greek one with creamed spinach, olives and feta cheese. Yummy. I want one now.... I wonder if they deliver ..... mmmmm
It was amazing to be a part of something so terrific. We laughed, talked, shared. It was great.
It was a testiment to the dedication, commmitment, determination and faith that C3 has to offer. It is a testiment to the obedience of God's will, not the leadership's own. I mean, get this; after this past Sunday's Discover C3 class where 46 people showed, 41 of them became members. Yo, that right there is a testiment to God's blessings.
I've never in my life been a part of a church where the leadership has done what it said it was going to do. I think if more people actually paid attention to that, rather then their own ideas and agendas, they'd see it, too. But, God does blind some individuals from reality ya know, ...remember Pharoh and King Saul?
Then again, C3 isn't for everyone. If you grew up in church, honey, this ain't your grandparent's church, and for others, this ain't jo mama'a church either.
You may come to C3 and think we are all lunatics. But, hey, that's ok. We are reaching people in the community. And besides, there's a boat load of other churches out there; just don't pick one out of convenience, pick it because God led you there. You'll know.
I did.
And I am so thankful for what God is doing at C3.
I used to feel more comfortable with my drinking buddies at "Players" and "Wing Shack" than I did with people at church. When I started going to church (before we became C3) I would stay far away for the people I used to hang out with. Why? Well, that's a whole nother blog, baby.
Now, I'd be comfortable doing both and not feel one bit of shame or guilt. Ya know why? Because, I am a living, breathing testiment to what the Lord can do. I drank, smoked, slept around, took drugs, struggled with an eating disorder; and look what God did with my life. And he ain't even done yet!
I'm overjoyed that people like me are welcome at C3.
It is living proof of a leadership following the will of God - not their own.
It was amazing to be a part of something so terrific. We laughed, talked, shared. It was great.
It was a testiment to the dedication, commmitment, determination and faith that C3 has to offer. It is a testiment to the obedience of God's will, not the leadership's own. I mean, get this; after this past Sunday's Discover C3 class where 46 people showed, 41 of them became members. Yo, that right there is a testiment to God's blessings.
I've never in my life been a part of a church where the leadership has done what it said it was going to do. I think if more people actually paid attention to that, rather then their own ideas and agendas, they'd see it, too. But, God does blind some individuals from reality ya know, ...remember Pharoh and King Saul?
Then again, C3 isn't for everyone. If you grew up in church, honey, this ain't your grandparent's church, and for others, this ain't jo mama'a church either.
You may come to C3 and think we are all lunatics. But, hey, that's ok. We are reaching people in the community. And besides, there's a boat load of other churches out there; just don't pick one out of convenience, pick it because God led you there. You'll know.
I did.
And I am so thankful for what God is doing at C3.
I used to feel more comfortable with my drinking buddies at "Players" and "Wing Shack" than I did with people at church. When I started going to church (before we became C3) I would stay far away for the people I used to hang out with. Why? Well, that's a whole nother blog, baby.
Now, I'd be comfortable doing both and not feel one bit of shame or guilt. Ya know why? Because, I am a living, breathing testiment to what the Lord can do. I drank, smoked, slept around, took drugs, struggled with an eating disorder; and look what God did with my life. And he ain't even done yet!
I'm overjoyed that people like me are welcome at C3.
It is living proof of a leadership following the will of God - not their own.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Lead on
I have been waiting for today all week. But not for the same reasons most of you wait for Friday. I have a lunch date with a friend of mine that turned into a "Girls' Lunch" with a bunch of other girls; some I know, some I don't. Now, I gotta be honest, I'm nervous. Not about what to wear or finding the place or being late, but about those girls I will be with.
I've never been really good at friendship. At least not lately. It's been more like the motto "Once Bitten Twice Shy" without the "Babe".
Everyone in life has been hurt, by family, friends, co-workers, you name it. Some people just get on with it and work on new relationships, others stay stuck ...
I think I'm somewhere in between.
In school, I have a whole bunch of friends; but only a few I would call on for "Help!", if you know what I mean. So why, do you ask I am so scared of this kind of friendship?
Good question. It's church people.
I know. I know. It's ridiculous, but hang on.
Growing up I loved church. I would even walk to church by myself just to be there on days when my mom couldn't get herself up off the couch. I would go with whoever would take me. I loved being there. I loved my pastor and what I learned about God and Jesus and the whole shebang.
My mom even remarried a preacher man. Baptist through and through. Although he turned out to be a regular schmuck. Sorry. He was.
He lied about my brother and I in order to save face and get us in trouble, he lied to his church, he lied to my mom. A real winner this guy. Eventually, I began to hate going to church and everything about it. You see, I saw behind the scenes and it wasn't what I had always thought as a little girl. It kind of ruined for me ... at the ripe age of 13.
I have since forgiven him. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, is no longer preaching (praise God) and lives somewhere in NY. I have gotten over all the awful things he said and did to my family, but what remained was the ick towards what I saw behind the scenes. How truly mean church people can be. And I mean mean.
I haven't quite forgotten about all that. The year 2001, was the first time I had stepped inside a church building in which to worship and "start over" since 1991, maybe. All through high school, I was forced to go to church, so maybe it was even earlier than that ... maybe say 1988.
Now that's over 10 years of not giving a hoot about church or God for that matter. I had friends, but not the kind of friends you'd find in church, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, 2001, ... so I met a few friends at church, but none that I was able to feel comfortable with; let my guard down, ya know. Then I moved away for about a year and was in a hick town Baptist church.. then moved back to Orlando to the same church I had left ... a lot of the people I had known hadn't remembered me .. some hadn't, but I still didn't feel safe.
Then, the pastor was asked to leave ... wow ... and I saw a repeat of all the yuck, the mean church people. At least, at that point, I had learned to trust God and was taught how to pray, so I stayed and was satisfied with my decision. I saw many leave ... and I saw many stay. I started making more friends, but again, not tooooo close. Gotta stay safe.
I found getting involved in ministry dulled the pain of not having many friends. It kept me busy and focused and what felt like "safe". At least I felt needed and wanted in a safe environment. Make scene? Good. Then the church went through a humungogunga re-birth. I was excited! I couldn't wait! But wouldn't ya know ... I witnessed, again, the yuck, the mean church people; although, I wasn't behind the scenes, it was still not so good. In fact, it was real bad and I still cry sometimes.
I am satisfied with my decision to stay where I am. I feel God's peace and reassurance every time I think about it. However, many of the friends I dared get close to left with a whole lot to say ... things that hurt ... things that would leave a lasting impression.
So, .... what to do .... what to do ....
Pray and forgive. That's all there is to do.
Pray for peace, forgiveness, understanding, patience, trust, love, courage, strength, all sorts of things. Most importantly, I pray to get over the fear of loss and rejection. It's inevitable, but at times unbearable.
We have all been hurt. Jesus even said we would all face trouble in this life. It's bound to happen. But at least I can rest assured in the knowledge that Jesus knows what I have been through, but most importantly, he knows where I'm going. I just have to trust him to lead me.
I will rest in that. So lead on.
I've never been really good at friendship. At least not lately. It's been more like the motto "Once Bitten Twice Shy" without the "Babe".
Everyone in life has been hurt, by family, friends, co-workers, you name it. Some people just get on with it and work on new relationships, others stay stuck ...
I think I'm somewhere in between.
In school, I have a whole bunch of friends; but only a few I would call on for "Help!", if you know what I mean. So why, do you ask I am so scared of this kind of friendship?
Good question. It's church people.
I know. I know. It's ridiculous, but hang on.
Growing up I loved church. I would even walk to church by myself just to be there on days when my mom couldn't get herself up off the couch. I would go with whoever would take me. I loved being there. I loved my pastor and what I learned about God and Jesus and the whole shebang.
My mom even remarried a preacher man. Baptist through and through. Although he turned out to be a regular schmuck. Sorry. He was.
He lied about my brother and I in order to save face and get us in trouble, he lied to his church, he lied to my mom. A real winner this guy. Eventually, I began to hate going to church and everything about it. You see, I saw behind the scenes and it wasn't what I had always thought as a little girl. It kind of ruined for me ... at the ripe age of 13.
I have since forgiven him. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, is no longer preaching (praise God) and lives somewhere in NY. I have gotten over all the awful things he said and did to my family, but what remained was the ick towards what I saw behind the scenes. How truly mean church people can be. And I mean mean.
I haven't quite forgotten about all that. The year 2001, was the first time I had stepped inside a church building in which to worship and "start over" since 1991, maybe. All through high school, I was forced to go to church, so maybe it was even earlier than that ... maybe say 1988.
Now that's over 10 years of not giving a hoot about church or God for that matter. I had friends, but not the kind of friends you'd find in church, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, 2001, ... so I met a few friends at church, but none that I was able to feel comfortable with; let my guard down, ya know. Then I moved away for about a year and was in a hick town Baptist church.. then moved back to Orlando to the same church I had left ... a lot of the people I had known hadn't remembered me .. some hadn't, but I still didn't feel safe.
Then, the pastor was asked to leave ... wow ... and I saw a repeat of all the yuck, the mean church people. At least, at that point, I had learned to trust God and was taught how to pray, so I stayed and was satisfied with my decision. I saw many leave ... and I saw many stay. I started making more friends, but again, not tooooo close. Gotta stay safe.
I found getting involved in ministry dulled the pain of not having many friends. It kept me busy and focused and what felt like "safe". At least I felt needed and wanted in a safe environment. Make scene? Good. Then the church went through a humungogunga re-birth. I was excited! I couldn't wait! But wouldn't ya know ... I witnessed, again, the yuck, the mean church people; although, I wasn't behind the scenes, it was still not so good. In fact, it was real bad and I still cry sometimes.
I am satisfied with my decision to stay where I am. I feel God's peace and reassurance every time I think about it. However, many of the friends I dared get close to left with a whole lot to say ... things that hurt ... things that would leave a lasting impression.
So, .... what to do .... what to do ....
Pray and forgive. That's all there is to do.
Pray for peace, forgiveness, understanding, patience, trust, love, courage, strength, all sorts of things. Most importantly, I pray to get over the fear of loss and rejection. It's inevitable, but at times unbearable.
We have all been hurt. Jesus even said we would all face trouble in this life. It's bound to happen. But at least I can rest assured in the knowledge that Jesus knows what I have been through, but most importantly, he knows where I'm going. I just have to trust him to lead me.
I will rest in that. So lead on.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Perfect People - Natalie Grant
Never let him see you when your breaking
Never let him see you when you fall
Thats How We Live And Thats How We Try
Tell The world you've got it all together
You never let him see what's underneath
We cover it up with the crooked smile
but it only lasts for a little while
there's no such thing as perfect people
there's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed,
and be changed by a perfect god
yeaaa
Suddenly its like a weight is lifted
when you hear the words that you are loved
he knows where you are and were you've been
and you never have to go there again
there's no such thing as perfect people
there's no such thing as a perfect life
so come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed
and be changed by a perfect god
Who lived, and died, to give you life
to heal our inperfections
so look up, and see love, and let grace be enough
There's no such thing as perfect people
YEAAA
There's no such thing as a perfect life
So come as you are, broken and scarred
lift up your heart and be amazed
and be changed by a perfect god
by a perfect god
There is no such thing as perfect anything. I'm fooled by it every day.
This song really taught me something I hope I keep close enough not to forget next time I fall into the tempations of perfection.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
In the Place of Peace
I'm in a place of perfect peace
My heart at rest, my soul's release.
I'm in the place of sweet contentment
No bitterness nor resentment.
I'm in the place of new found rest
So relaxed and at my best.
I'm in the place of the cross
All I've gained, I count but loss.
I'm in the place of blessedness
Overjoyed with thankfulness.
My heart at rest, my soul's release.
I'm in the place of sweet contentment
No bitterness nor resentment.
I'm in the place of new found rest
So relaxed and at my best.
I'm in the place of the cross
All I've gained, I count but loss.
I'm in the place of blessedness
Overjoyed with thankfulness.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Success ... and the "F" word
I love working hard and succeeding. I enjoying studying and doing well in school; being with my children and watching them grow; being married to my most excellent man and cultivating friendships; working out at home or Bally's and maybe not seeing the results, but feeling them. There are so many more things I could write about the feeling of success, but what I could write a whole lot more about is the "F" word.
No, not that one. Failure. That one. I loathe failing and any feeling that remotely resembles it. When I couldn't get to the place of forgiveness; when my son had to repeat second grade, my daughter having to repeat seventh grade, my husband's unmentionables - I feel like a failure. Every time I know what I should be doing and I don't do it, for whatever reason, I feel like a failure. When I set up a gathering or a party, where very few show, I feel like it's my fault.
One of my dear friends said this to me not long ago: "The feeling of failure is just plain inevitable. "It's all part of being a fallen human in a fallen world" (thank you Dr. Wilcox!). Especially when we strive for the very best for those we love, and especially when we want to do the very best for those the Lord has entrusted in our care. We want Him to be pleased and proud with the resposibilities He has given us, and in turn we expect the same from others. I know what it's like being so hard on yourself, but don't sit there too long.
So, what to do .... what to do.
The key words in her encouragement to me were, "don't sit there too long".
Well, I've been turning it around. I ask myself what it has to do with me, and if so, what can be done about it. No one showing up for a gathering ... what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My son and daughter's love of repetition, what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My inability to do what I am supposed to do (including forgive) ... ah-uh. Now that's where things get a little sticky.
So, now what?
That's just it. What now? What can I do to turn the failure into a success? I have been working on so many things in my life it would astonish you. One is my tremendous fear of failure and my insecurity of it all. I am presently working on dealing with the feeling when it comes and talking it over ... with myself ... so I won't "stay there too long". Sounds strange, but it is working. I am a firm believer in using what works. And so what if I talk to myself. There are far worse things one could do to feel better ...
One thing I have noticed that allows those feelings to penetrate deeper is "spinning". Spinning is a little like reliving things over and over in your thoughts. Spinning. Imagine you are outside on a beautiful day and you are spinning. Eventually what will happen if you continue? You will get dizzy and fall down and go boom. Ouch. You will go inside - pout and cry. Someone will ask you what is wrong. You will tell them. How will they respond? ..... What were you doing spinning for as long as you did?
It's not to say you can't spin. Spinning has it's benefits, but not when you hurt yourself.
When I catch myself spinning. I have to stop. If I don't, I will fall into the temptation of failure and self-preservation. Not good.
So, how do you stop from spinning? First you have to recognize that you are doing it.
Back in August of 2006, my Pastor was doing a sermon series on King Saul, called i-motions. I must say, I didn't enjoy this series. It can be found in the book of I Samuel 9-31. The story of King Saul and David. In the beginning, there was nothing Saul feared; there was no equal to Saul (Ch. 9). Enter: David. At first, King Saul loved David. As you may remember, David defeated Goliath and became a regular hero. Saul asked David to come and live with him and play his harp for him. Later, Saul gave David a high ranking position in his army (Ch. 18) and he won many battles for Saul. Then the people began to say "Saul has slain his thousands but David his ten-thousands." Uh-oh. What happened to "there was no equal to Saul"?
Saul became angry and jealous. He would call David in to play his harp and become so angry at his presence (and what he was 'spinning' in his head) that he would throw his spear at him. Ouch. If I were David I would have ran away right then.
The problem. Saul was spinning thoughts of jealousy and fear in his head. He probably felt like a failure. The people loved David more. He was hurt and became angry and bitter. See I Sam 18:6. Saul was re-visiting the scene of what the people were saying about David. He must have played it a lot, because he made attempts on David's life nearly every time he saw him. So many, in fact that David fled with the help of Saul's son, Jonathan. ... and Saul persued him.
Later, in Chapter 31, Saul and his armies were killed. Saul’s sons were killed. And Saul killed himself. All for what?
Because Saul couldn't let it go.
He kept spinning it over and over in his head.
My Pastor said this: What I think in my mind will capture my heart. If my life were a movie, I need to remove things before the final cut.
Saul saw his value in what people said and thought about him. The truth is, he lost sight of what God thought of him. He traded God's thoughts and values for his own and kept spinning. He spun so much, he lost sight of things. He finally collapsed: on his sword.
No, I'm not kidding, see I Sam 31:1-6.
My Pastor also said this little tid bit, that I kind of forgot about until recently: Focus on what God is doing, not on everyone else.
Stop spinning. Recognize when you are by listening to your self talk. Stop beating yourself up about what you can't control. Remember, you weren't in control to begin with, so what are you fretting about. It didn't go the way you expected ... join the club. Just listen to the weather report for week.... you'll see.
When you recognize it, another tid bit from my Pastor, Philippians 4:8 it.
"Summing it all up, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditations (your self talk) on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to be praised, not things to be cursed." The Message.
It will take some work and diligence (my least favorite "d" word) on your part and mine. But it is so worth it. Besides, look at Saul’s end.
Wouldn't it be nice to stop spinning while you still have the chance to grab your bearings?
Don't be like Saul. See things as God does. He does not see you as a failure just because things aren't the way you envisioned they would be (are you listening to yourself, Jessy?).
God sees you as he sees his son, Jesus.
Blameless.
No, not that one. Failure. That one. I loathe failing and any feeling that remotely resembles it. When I couldn't get to the place of forgiveness; when my son had to repeat second grade, my daughter having to repeat seventh grade, my husband's unmentionables - I feel like a failure. Every time I know what I should be doing and I don't do it, for whatever reason, I feel like a failure. When I set up a gathering or a party, where very few show, I feel like it's my fault.
One of my dear friends said this to me not long ago: "The feeling of failure is just plain inevitable. "It's all part of being a fallen human in a fallen world" (thank you Dr. Wilcox!). Especially when we strive for the very best for those we love, and especially when we want to do the very best for those the Lord has entrusted in our care. We want Him to be pleased and proud with the resposibilities He has given us, and in turn we expect the same from others. I know what it's like being so hard on yourself, but don't sit there too long.
So, what to do .... what to do.
The key words in her encouragement to me were, "don't sit there too long".
Well, I've been turning it around. I ask myself what it has to do with me, and if so, what can be done about it. No one showing up for a gathering ... what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My son and daughter's love of repetition, what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My inability to do what I am supposed to do (including forgive) ... ah-uh. Now that's where things get a little sticky.
So, now what?
That's just it. What now? What can I do to turn the failure into a success? I have been working on so many things in my life it would astonish you. One is my tremendous fear of failure and my insecurity of it all. I am presently working on dealing with the feeling when it comes and talking it over ... with myself ... so I won't "stay there too long". Sounds strange, but it is working. I am a firm believer in using what works. And so what if I talk to myself. There are far worse things one could do to feel better ...
One thing I have noticed that allows those feelings to penetrate deeper is "spinning". Spinning is a little like reliving things over and over in your thoughts. Spinning. Imagine you are outside on a beautiful day and you are spinning. Eventually what will happen if you continue? You will get dizzy and fall down and go boom. Ouch. You will go inside - pout and cry. Someone will ask you what is wrong. You will tell them. How will they respond? ..... What were you doing spinning for as long as you did?
It's not to say you can't spin. Spinning has it's benefits, but not when you hurt yourself.
When I catch myself spinning. I have to stop. If I don't, I will fall into the temptation of failure and self-preservation. Not good.
So, how do you stop from spinning? First you have to recognize that you are doing it.
Back in August of 2006, my Pastor was doing a sermon series on King Saul, called i-motions. I must say, I didn't enjoy this series. It can be found in the book of I Samuel 9-31. The story of King Saul and David. In the beginning, there was nothing Saul feared; there was no equal to Saul (Ch. 9). Enter: David. At first, King Saul loved David. As you may remember, David defeated Goliath and became a regular hero. Saul asked David to come and live with him and play his harp for him. Later, Saul gave David a high ranking position in his army (Ch. 18) and he won many battles for Saul. Then the people began to say "Saul has slain his thousands but David his ten-thousands." Uh-oh. What happened to "there was no equal to Saul"?
Saul became angry and jealous. He would call David in to play his harp and become so angry at his presence (and what he was 'spinning' in his head) that he would throw his spear at him. Ouch. If I were David I would have ran away right then.
The problem. Saul was spinning thoughts of jealousy and fear in his head. He probably felt like a failure. The people loved David more. He was hurt and became angry and bitter. See I Sam 18:6. Saul was re-visiting the scene of what the people were saying about David. He must have played it a lot, because he made attempts on David's life nearly every time he saw him. So many, in fact that David fled with the help of Saul's son, Jonathan. ... and Saul persued him.
Later, in Chapter 31, Saul and his armies were killed. Saul’s sons were killed. And Saul killed himself. All for what?
Because Saul couldn't let it go.
He kept spinning it over and over in his head.
My Pastor said this: What I think in my mind will capture my heart. If my life were a movie, I need to remove things before the final cut.
Saul saw his value in what people said and thought about him. The truth is, he lost sight of what God thought of him. He traded God's thoughts and values for his own and kept spinning. He spun so much, he lost sight of things. He finally collapsed: on his sword.
No, I'm not kidding, see I Sam 31:1-6.
My Pastor also said this little tid bit, that I kind of forgot about until recently: Focus on what God is doing, not on everyone else.
Stop spinning. Recognize when you are by listening to your self talk. Stop beating yourself up about what you can't control. Remember, you weren't in control to begin with, so what are you fretting about. It didn't go the way you expected ... join the club. Just listen to the weather report for week.... you'll see.
When you recognize it, another tid bit from my Pastor, Philippians 4:8 it.
"Summing it all up, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditations (your self talk) on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to be praised, not things to be cursed." The Message.
It will take some work and diligence (my least favorite "d" word) on your part and mine. But it is so worth it. Besides, look at Saul’s end.
Wouldn't it be nice to stop spinning while you still have the chance to grab your bearings?
Don't be like Saul. See things as God does. He does not see you as a failure just because things aren't the way you envisioned they would be (are you listening to yourself, Jessy?).
God sees you as he sees his son, Jesus.
Blameless.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Somebody's Watching Me .... Creepy or Cool?
It's an old 80s song. And it's creepy. The writer must have been schizophrenic or drugged up... or both. Either way, the song is creepy. Ok, ok first of all I'm not schizophrenic or on any drugs, except for some cold medicine. But lately it's felt as though someone has been watching me. That someone is either Boyd Bailey, Pastor Byron, Dr. Wilcox, or God. You see, I've been going through a difficult struggle with something over the past eight weeks that has caused me to feel horrible. The pits. Crapolla. Garbage. Need I go on? No, I didn't think so. I mean everywhere I have gone for the past eight weeks or so, I have either heard, read or seen something related to what has been going on in my life; exactly related. Creepy.
This thing I have been dealing with involves being used and taken advantage of. At first, I thought I was being used for help. Since helping others is a strength and a gift of mine, I was more than happy to oblige. However, that help turned into enabling. Something I noticed eight weeks too late. This individual used their weakness as their greatest ally and took advantage of me. I didn't even notice it until it was too late. I'm sitting in a meeting where this individual was supposed to also be, but refused and discovered this individual scheduled a meeting prior to mine and wrote an elaborate email defending her case. I was shocked, appalled and disgusted. I felt like leaving, throwing up and passing out, all at the same time. I thought to myself, "What the hell is the point of this meeting now?" I felt demolished, sabotaged, jaded, pretty much beat up.
So how does this relate to the thought of being watched, you ask? Well, I'm getting there. At this meeting I was dealing with a lot of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, betrayal, and a few more not so good feelings toward a fellow believer. The mediator for this meeting validated my feelings and told me "forgiveness is a process". As some of you may know, I have to work extra hard at being patient. It's my least favorite word and goal; however, when he said this, I was relieved. I was expecting it to happen instantly. And for those of you who know me, I should know better than to think such nonsense. I've read the books about forgiveness, been to the Bible studies, read the book of Matthew about a hundred times or more, heard messages from pastors about this type of thing since I was old enough to understand - and yet I still expected forgiveness to be instantaneous. So as not to feel like garbage any more; someone else's garbage for that matter. And, no, I wasn't feeling like the old adage, "Someone's garbage is someone else's treasure." I was feeling like garbage, period. Not treasure.
Another creepy feeling came upon receiving daily email devotions from Boyd Bailey; which coincided with what I was dealing with. During all this commotion, my devotions were about love. Love hopes, never fails, perseveres, and, you guessed it, love forgives. You would think I would have learned something and worked it out; but I didn't. I just read it and continued to struggle. How stubborn can one person be? Everyday, Boyd's messages were so loud and yet, I wasn't listening. It was just words on a page to me. I knew what I should be doing and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself there; to the point of forgiveness. It wasn't like I wasn't trying, I just wasn't willing. I was waiting for God to do something. I was expecting Him to move so that the hurt and pain and fear would all go away. I wasn't willing to do any work. I thought, selfishly, if God loves me, he will remove this obstacle from my life and make it all better. Well, duh. He does love me, but just like the thorn in Paul's side; God did not remove it because He loves me. I was too self-absorbed to notice or care what God was doing or what He wanted. I just wanted the inconvenience to be gone.
This thing I have been dealing with involves being used and taken advantage of. At first, I thought I was being used for help. Since helping others is a strength and a gift of mine, I was more than happy to oblige. However, that help turned into enabling. Something I noticed eight weeks too late. This individual used their weakness as their greatest ally and took advantage of me. I didn't even notice it until it was too late. I'm sitting in a meeting where this individual was supposed to also be, but refused and discovered this individual scheduled a meeting prior to mine and wrote an elaborate email defending her case. I was shocked, appalled and disgusted. I felt like leaving, throwing up and passing out, all at the same time. I thought to myself, "What the hell is the point of this meeting now?" I felt demolished, sabotaged, jaded, pretty much beat up.
So how does this relate to the thought of being watched, you ask? Well, I'm getting there. At this meeting I was dealing with a lot of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, betrayal, and a few more not so good feelings toward a fellow believer. The mediator for this meeting validated my feelings and told me "forgiveness is a process". As some of you may know, I have to work extra hard at being patient. It's my least favorite word and goal; however, when he said this, I was relieved. I was expecting it to happen instantly. And for those of you who know me, I should know better than to think such nonsense. I've read the books about forgiveness, been to the Bible studies, read the book of Matthew about a hundred times or more, heard messages from pastors about this type of thing since I was old enough to understand - and yet I still expected forgiveness to be instantaneous. So as not to feel like garbage any more; someone else's garbage for that matter. And, no, I wasn't feeling like the old adage, "Someone's garbage is someone else's treasure." I was feeling like garbage, period. Not treasure.
Another creepy feeling came upon receiving daily email devotions from Boyd Bailey; which coincided with what I was dealing with. During all this commotion, my devotions were about love. Love hopes, never fails, perseveres, and, you guessed it, love forgives. You would think I would have learned something and worked it out; but I didn't. I just read it and continued to struggle. How stubborn can one person be? Everyday, Boyd's messages were so loud and yet, I wasn't listening. It was just words on a page to me. I knew what I should be doing and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself there; to the point of forgiveness. It wasn't like I wasn't trying, I just wasn't willing. I was waiting for God to do something. I was expecting Him to move so that the hurt and pain and fear would all go away. I wasn't willing to do any work. I thought, selfishly, if God loves me, he will remove this obstacle from my life and make it all better. Well, duh. He does love me, but just like the thorn in Paul's side; God did not remove it because He loves me. I was too self-absorbed to notice or care what God was doing or what He wanted. I just wanted the inconvenience to be gone.
Why do I feel like Pastor Byron is following me? Good question. Because his message yesterday was about forgiveness. How hard it is. How dangerous it is to hold onto the past hurts. How much God wants to do something wonderful, but can't because we won't move. You see, I was waiting for God to do something and He is up there waiting for me to make the first move. Forgive. This morning, Boyd Bailey's devotion was about pain being our teacher .. and used Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son as an example; which is the same lesson Dr. Wilcox used before our meeting; as a bonus. What a bonus it was!!
Pastor Byron. I love you man, but could you stop following me. I mean, really, I am sure there are much better things you can do with your life than watch mine.
... Seriously, Pastor Byron isn't keeping tabs on my life any more that Boyd Bailey would pay a PI to watch mine in order to have something to write about for his devotions. Nor would Dr. Wilcox, the mediator, for that matter. So who's watching me?
God. He watches me all the do da day. He knew all this would happen to me. Just like He knew what would happen to Joseph. He knew his brothers would sell his pompous self into slavery because of his pride and conceit. He knew he would be imprisoned; falsely accused. He also knew Joseph would one day save the lives of many, including his own brothers who betrayed him. His own brothers. How cruel.
I was betrayed by a fellow believer, a sister in Christ. Used, abused. She acted as though she had no idea what she had done. She said I was the abuser, the one who mistreated her; I was mean, rude insensitive, harsh; treating her as though she were stupid. Forget about all the help I offered in order for her to understand, all the questions I had graciously answered, all the hard work I had done for her, all the forgiveness I had offered her without her knowledge. OOH! All the nerve. Of all the backstabbing, no good, conniving, son's of a biscuit eating bull dog, low-down, dirty rotten, scheming things to say. And all for what? So she would look like the victim and I the victimizer, the brute. Now, that is what's so damn hard to forgive. It's hard for me to forgive a manipulator, someone who plays the sympathy card, someone who is so good at "playing dumb" so that others will feel sorry and bend an ear. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. I believed it. I bought into it. I was a sucker. I feel like that cartoon character who has just realized they were the brunt end of the joke and their head turns in to a lollipop with the word "sucker" painted on it (for some of you a lollipop is a sucker).
Pastor Byron's message spoke to my heart. You have no idea how many times I have had flash backs and red-flag reminders and yet I still hardened my heart towards the situation. What a stubborn mule I am at times.
Sometimes God wants us to move. We are expected to move. He can't do it for us; otherwise we would be nothing more than spoiled children. Which is exactly what I was acting like. I was behaving like a spoiled-rotten, good for nothing brat. In that, I wasn't willing to move. I was throwing a spiritual temper tantrum while expecting God to give me what I wanted; yet I was unwilling to give Him what He wanted, my heart, my feelings, my attention, my hurt, my pain. In my unwillingness, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. I knew they were there, but I just couldn't see them.
After this morning, I see them. I have chosen to forgive. I will choose to forgive as often as necessary in order for God to restore that which was broken; my heart.
Thank you Boyd Bailey for your daily messages. They speak to me, even days later.
Thank you Dr. Wilcox for your nurturing words of wisdom.
Thank you Pastor Byron for your willingness to communicate the difficult to the difficult regarding the most difficult. Every drive by will be met by a choice; every moment relived I will choose to forgive.
Thank you to my fellow believer for hurting me. Thank you for using me. Through you, I have had the opportunity to trust God, trust you or trust myself and my own feelings. Through you, I have had the chance to revisit forgiveness and taste the pain and resentment as well as the Lord's goodness. Through this, I have had anger and bitterness and yuck. I am glad and praise God; for if it not for this, as hard as it is for me to write this now - without stopping to ask forgiveness and to forgive you, I may have never learned the importance; the necessecity of forgiveness.
Thank you God for following me; stalking me. Thank you for allowing pain and hurt in my life. Thank you for lessons learned. Thank you for the tears and heartache. Thank you for the bitterness and resentment; the hostility and anxiety. Thank you for restoration and peace. Thank you for the damage done and the repairs underway. Thank you for the chance to be used and abused in order to run to you, next time, rather than run from you.
II Corinthians 4:7-8; 15-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all‑surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Lessons Learned
I tried to upload the actual song, but I am still new to this blogging stuff....
I heard this song today, as well as many others, that just seems to minister to what I am trying to deal with right now. The lessons I am trying to learn from this last doosy in my life ... and realizing that forgiveness is a process not a magic pill or cure. It is a diligent process on my part. The key word .... diligent.
I must perservere through this and realize that as difficult as it has been for me, there is a lesson to be learned.
Some of those lessons, include being careful to guard my heart, even among Christ followers; that's the hardest one of all.
And I thought I had already learned that and was doing well ... little do I know.
This song is sung by Carrie Underwood and I am sure if you go to YouTube, ya'll will have no problems in finding it.
Lessons Learned
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts, That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned, Some bridges burned,
But there were, Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were,Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past, Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's allLessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.
I heard this song today, as well as many others, that just seems to minister to what I am trying to deal with right now. The lessons I am trying to learn from this last doosy in my life ... and realizing that forgiveness is a process not a magic pill or cure. It is a diligent process on my part. The key word .... diligent.
I must perservere through this and realize that as difficult as it has been for me, there is a lesson to be learned.
Some of those lessons, include being careful to guard my heart, even among Christ followers; that's the hardest one of all.
And I thought I had already learned that and was doing well ... little do I know.
This song is sung by Carrie Underwood and I am sure if you go to YouTube, ya'll will have no problems in finding it.
Lessons Learned
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts, That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned, Some bridges burned,
But there were, Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were,Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past, Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's allLessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
