Don't feel left out ... Everyone has problems

It's been along time since I have blogged on this spot.
Thought I would continue on with my personal journey.

It's been long and difficult. Although I won't go into details, I have been through a lot of difficulty over the course of the past two years. One includes getting a divorce.

I never knew how peaceful it could be to separate yourself from someone who dominated your life; and not in a positive way.

I can't say it was easy or painless, but my life is much better now.
I am at peace with myself and others.
I am able to focus on my life and others.
And most importantly, I am able to freely give back to others without feeling the guilt I once did when I was bound to another in marriage.

I am able to focus on my career and those I am indebted to rather than focus on someone who only cared about themselves and their well being rather than the unity of marriage.

God, I believe, created divorce for a reason.
And for that, I am thankful and blessed.

You can find fault with me all you want, but the more you look at me, the less you see your own faults; and in that, you are doing yourself more of a disservice than you are me :)

Presence not Presents

What are you planning for Christmas this year?

Have you made promises to your family you can't make?

Have you offered them things you know you can't attain?

Feeling guilty? Feeling ashamed, embarrassed?

Believe it or not, not one single thing you put under that tree will replace you.

You children need you more than they need the latest advances in technology; and gettin down to the nitty gritty; you're only buying it to get close to them anyway.

Has it worked yet? All the things you have bought them; all the things they have asked for? You buy it to please them, to offer part of yourself to them, and yet where are they now?

Are they any closer to you now? Have all those gifts brought them nearer to you?

The answer is no, and you an I both know it.

What your children need is not presents but rather presence.

Your presence is by far more important than any gift you purchase for them based on simple want and desire, rather than need.

They don't need any of the things on the list; they want it.

What they need is you.

More of you.

All the things they have from you are just ways to replace you; it's safer that way, maybe even more reliable. When they turn to their multiple games (Xbox, playstations, Wii, etc), they know what to expect. When they turn to their multitude of friends they know what to expect.

But what about you?

When they turn to you, do they know what to expect?

Or are you an ever changing and unavailable person; proving yourself untrustworthy. In other words, "why should you be any different than anyone else whose abandoned me?"

Choose to offer them presence. Your presence; your time, not your money and your presents.

A simple conversation, cleaning their room together, help them with homework, sit with them, sit next to them, give them a hug, high five, the list goes on.

It isn't easy. Trust me, I know.

When you want so much for what you give them to be reciprocated, and it isn't.

It hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to just give them what they ask for so that at least it feels like you are being loved and appreciated for the time being; plus it's safer for you as well.

Guess what? Your kids feel the same. They avoid you, say things and do things that sting like a bee. It hurts like hell inside.

Don't give up. Just as you are holding on by a thread most days, trust me, so are your kids.
They need you.
They need to know you will be there.
They need to know that no matter what they say or do, you aren't leaving and you aren't sending them away.


You can show this to them by just spending time with them.
Presence not presents is what matters this Christmas.

Know that I Love you!
Hang in there; you are not alone in this journey.

Who says you can't be emotional?

What makes you think you can't display anger?

What about sadness?

Now why is it you shouldn't show your tears; allow them a voice?

Says who?

Your shrink? Your new found book?

What is the worst that could happen if you demonstrated how you felt?

You really believe that? How much do you believe that? Would it really make a difference?

Your child has probably suffered significant trauma.

Your child may not even know what any other emotion looks like outside of anger (unhealthy anger at that).

So, really, what's wrong with showing your child how you feel? Why would you hide it?

And did you know when you hide it from them, you are hiding it from yourself.

When you are sad, tell them and show them you are sad. Let the tears come; let them flow, give your tears a voice. Be an advocate for your feelings and your child.

When you are angry, tell them and show it (in a healthy way, of course); the same goes for any emotion. Let them be aware of your anger and the intensity of it; hence the reason you may have to give yourself a time out. The same goes for your sadness. If you are overwhelmed, obviously give your self some time away from the situation, but let your child know what is happening with you.

And please, do not blame them. Just tell them how you feel and whether you can be there or if you need some alone time; some Mommy time.

Tell them what you need. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you need them to wipe your tears, tell them. Tell them you need some away time; a time out for you so you won't say something inappropraite or make them feel bad.

Let them see your emotions; how else will they learn what they look like or what they mean.

You have to understand that many of these children have no idea whatsoever what emotions look like or how to express them. And if you are spending all your precious energy on hiding them from your child because "you don't want to let them to get the best of you or use your emotions to control you" then how will they learn emotions other than rage and anger.

Give your self a chance; give your child a chance to really "see" you for who you are.

You are worth it. You have a right to express how you feel and your child has the right to see it; to "see" you. How else will they know?

So, the next time you are sad, cry. Tell them "I could really use a hug right now". If they say no, it's ok ... It's not about you. They probably don't know what to do with that. It's ok. Give them time to process it. Maybe the next time they see you cry, they will be more willing to give you a hug or wipe your tears.

If they laugh at you, remember, it's not about you. It's about what is going on inside of them. Don't take it personal. They may think they are "victorious" for "making" you cry, but they probably don't have any idea how to cry for themselves. But someday they will, through you. Let your tears be a voice for them. Tell them your tears are for them, not because of them.

And don't forget to tell them how much your tears are a sign of tremendous love and compassion for them. Don't run away from your feelings; know when to take a time out and when to demonstrate healthy emotions.

Take a Breather

Okay parents, it's time for you to take some time for you.

Here's how it goes.

Seriously.

You sit down. Really SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

Anywhere. Sit on the floor for crying out loud.

Now,put your hands on your legs. Relax them.

Next. Close your eyes.
Think of any place you would rather be.
(Forget about what that noice was)

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in.
As if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!
Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

Now, do it again ....
at lest five times.

AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in, as if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

There.
Now that you have fed your brain ...
Go back to being a Mom.

Before you go ...
Look in a mirror.

Right now

And tell yourself ... right now ... in the mirror.

I AM A GOOD MOM!


Take care of your of yourself and know that you are loved and thought of every minute of the day by someone.

Desperation

I know I told many of you that I would not be continuing this blog, but I have been praying and thinking about the possiblility of using this blog for a parent support group that I facilitate through an organization called Beyond Consequences, Inc. (BCI).

Then I read an email and the follow up story from Heather Forbes, co-founder of BCI and friend.

Before you go to the links, try to be open minded and non-judgemental. As angry and hurt as you may be when you read and listen to the reports, there are many things you may never understand.

There are times in life when not everything makes sence and this may be one of those times for you. Through this, I hope you will join me in trying to help those families who raise diffucult children; even those who have been adopted from here, elsewhere or though foster care.

Many of these children have been through so many ordeals as infants and then throughout their childhood; things you may think are of no consequence. Although you may think the trauma of a neglected infant who is then adopted into a loving home is irrelevant. You may not understand how that trauma shows itself in many different ways later on in life. If the adopted family has little support and a great lack of understanding, stressors may arise that are far too difficult for the family to cope.

The following is an excerp from the story:
Neighbors said Sieferman had foreclosed on a home and was having legal problems. During the investigation police found a bloody axe and knife and a note in Sieferman's bedroom that read, "Sorry, I can't deal with them anymore."

Many parents have been in this place before. A place of not being able to deal with their own "adopted" children. A place of no where else to go. A place of utter chaos. A place of desperation; thinking of only one way out: death. Although they may not have gone to the depths as this woman has, I assure you they have reached levels of great stress and pain.

Please, join me in prayer for this woman. Her name is Sylvia. Her children are in critical condition. Their names are Hannah and Linnea.

Although you may be very angry at the mother, please try to understand the how she got to that point before you dare cast your judgement. Remember: judge not, lest you be judged.

There is help. If you are in this place or know of any parents who are in this place; know there is help. There are people who do understand what you (or they) are going through.

Where did she go?

I'm right here!
So, check it out!

I may be leaving ...

Yes. You read that right.

I think I may be moving to wordpress.
However ... I am still figuring it out.
Here's where you can find me (here and there)
www.je55y.wordpress.com

But, I will still be here for a little bit until I can figure wordpress out.
Wow! Blogging is complicated.
But I love it!