For all those interested ...

Don't feel left out ... Everyone has problems

2011-07-13T19:51:00.002-04:00

It's been along time since I have blogged on this spot.
Thought I would continue on with my personal journey.

It's been long and difficult. Although I won't go into details, I have been through a lot of difficulty over the course of the past two years. One includes getting a divorce.

I never knew how peaceful it could be to separate yourself from someone who dominated your life; and not in a positive way.

I can't say it was easy or painless, but my life is much better now.
I am at peace with myself and others.
I am able to focus on my life and others.
And most importantly, I am able to freely give back to others without feeling the guilt I once did when I was bound to another in marriage.

I am able to focus on my career and those I am indebted to rather than focus on someone who only cared about themselves and their well being rather than the unity of marriage.

God, I believe, created divorce for a reason.
And for that, I am thankful and blessed.

You can find fault with me all you want, but the more you look at me, the less you see your own faults; and in that, you are doing yourself more of a disservice than you are me :)

Presence not Presents

2008-12-16T08:00:00.008-05:00

What are you planning for Christmas this year?

Have you made promises to your family you can't make?

Have you offered them things you know you can't attain?

Feeling guilty? Feeling ashamed, embarrassed?

Believe it or not, not one single thing you put under that tree will replace you.

You children need you more than they need the latest advances in technology; and gettin down to the nitty gritty; you're only buying it to get close to them anyway.

Has it worked yet? All the things you have bought them; all the things they have asked for? You buy it to please them, to offer part of yourself to them, and yet where are they now?

Are they any closer to you now? Have all those gifts brought them nearer to you?

The answer is no, and you an I both know it.

What your children need is not presents but rather presence.

Your presence is by far more important than any gift you purchase for them based on simple want and desire, rather than need.

They don't need any of the things on the list; they want it.

What they need is you.

More of you.

All the things they have from you are just ways to replace you; it's safer that way, maybe even more reliable. When they turn to their multiple games (Xbox, playstations, Wii, etc), they know what to expect. When they turn to their multitude of friends they know what to expect.

But what about you?

When they turn to you, do they know what to expect?

Or are you an ever changing and unavailable person; proving yourself untrustworthy. In other words, "why should you be any different than anyone else whose abandoned me?"

Choose to offer them presence. Your presence; your time, not your money and your presents.

A simple conversation, cleaning their room together, help them with homework, sit with them, sit next to them, give them a hug, high five, the list goes on.

It isn't easy. Trust me, I know.

When you want so much for what you give them to be reciprocated, and it isn't.

It hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to just give them what they ask for so that at least it feels like you are being loved and appreciated for the time being; plus it's safer for you as well.

Guess what? Your kids feel the same. They avoid you, say things and do things that sting like a bee. It hurts like hell inside.

Don't give up. Just as you are holding on by a thread most days, trust me, so are your kids.
They need you.
They need to know you will be there.
They need to know that no matter what they say or do, you aren't leaving and you aren't sending them away.

You can show this to them by just spending time with them.
Presence not presents is what matters this Christmas.

Know that I Love you!
Hang in there; you are not alone in this journey.

Who says you can't be emotional?

2008-10-26T18:52:00.007-04:00

What makes you think you can't display anger?

What about sadness?

Now why is it you shouldn't show your tears; allow them a voice?

Says who?

Your shrink? Your new found book?

What is the worst that could happen if you demonstrated how you felt?

You really believe that? How much do you believe that? Would it really make a difference?

Your child has probably suffered significant trauma.

Your child may not even know what any other emotion looks like outside of anger (unhealthy anger at that).

So, really, what's wrong with showing your child how you feel? Why would you hide it?

And did you know when you hide it from them, you are hiding it from yourself.

When you are sad, tell them and show them you are sad. Let the tears come; let them flow, give your tears a voice. Be an advocate for your feelings and your child.

When you are angry, tell them and show it (in a healthy way, of course); the same goes for any emotion. Let them be aware of your anger and the intensity of it; hence the reason you may have to give yourself a time out. The same goes for your sadness. If you are overwhelmed, obviously give your self some time away from the situation, but let your child know what is happening with you.

And please, do not blame them. Just tell them how you feel and whether you can be there or if you need some alone time; some Mommy time.

Tell them what you need. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you need them to wipe your tears, tell them. Tell them you need some away time; a time out for you so you won't say something inappropraite or make them feel bad.

Let them see your emotions; how else will they learn what they look like or what they mean.

You have to understand that many of these children have no idea whatsoever what emotions look like or how to express them. And if you are spending all your precious energy on hiding them from your child because "you don't want to let them to get the best of you or use your emotions to control you" then how will they learn emotions other than rage and anger.

Give your self a chance; give your child a chance to really "see" you for who you are.

You are worth it. You have a right to express how you feel and your child has the right to see it; to "see" you. How else will they know?

So, the next time you are sad, cry. Tell them "I could really use a hug right now". If they say no, it's ok ... It's not about you. They probably don't know what to do with that. It's ok. Give them time to process it. Maybe the next time they see you cry, they will be more willing to give you a hug or wipe your tears.

If they laugh at you, remember, it's not about you. It's about what is going on inside of them. Don't take it personal. They may think they are "victorious" for "making" you cry, but they probably don't have any idea how to cry for themselves. But someday they will, through you. Let your tears be a voice for them. Tell them your tears are for them, not because of them.

And don't forget to tell them how much your tears are a sign of tremendous love and compassion for them. Don't run away from your feelings; know when to take a time out and when to demonstrate healthy emotions.

Take a Breather

2008-10-03T19:26:00.004-04:00

Okay parents, it's time for you to take some time for you.

Here's how it goes.

Seriously.

You sit down. Really SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

Anywhere. Sit on the floor for crying out loud.

Now,put your hands on your legs. Relax them.

Next. Close your eyes.
Think of any place you would rather be.
(Forget about what that noice was)

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in.
As if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!
Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

Now, do it again ....
at lest five times.

AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in, as if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

There.
Now that you have fed your brain ...
Go back to being a Mom.

Before you go ...
Look in a mirror.

Right now

And tell yourself ... right now ... in the mirror.

I AM A GOOD MOM!

Take care of your of yourself and know that you are loved and thought of every minute of the day by someone.

Desperation

2008-08-31T11:40:00.004-04:00

I know I told many of you that I would not be continuing this blog, but I have been praying and thinking about the possiblility of using this blog for a parent support group that I facilitate through an organization called Beyond Consequences, Inc. (BCI).

Then I read an email and the follow up story from Heather Forbes, co-founder of BCI and friend.

Before you go to the links, try to be open minded and non-judgemental. As angry and hurt as you may be when you read and listen to the reports, there are many things you may never understand.

There are times in life when not everything makes sence and this may be one of those times for you. Through this, I hope you will join me in trying to help those families who raise diffucult children; even those who have been adopted from here, elsewhere or though foster care.

Many of these children have been through so many ordeals as infants and then throughout their childhood; things you may think are of no consequence. Although you may think the trauma of a neglected infant who is then adopted into a loving home is irrelevant. You may not understand how that trauma shows itself in many different ways later on in life. If the adopted family has little support and a great lack of understanding, stressors may arise that are far too difficult for the family to cope.

The following is an excerp from the story:
Neighbors said Sieferman had foreclosed on a home and was having legal problems. During the investigation police found a bloody axe and knife and a note in Sieferman's bedroom that read, "Sorry, I can't deal with them anymore."

Many parents have been in this place before. A place of not being able to deal with their own "adopted" children. A place of no where else to go. A place of utter chaos. A place of desperation; thinking of only one way out: death. Although they may not have gone to the depths as this woman has, I assure you they have reached levels of great stress and pain.

Please, join me in prayer for this woman. Her name is Sylvia. Her children are in critical condition. Their names are Hannah and Linnea.

Although you may be very angry at the mother, please try to understand the how she got to that point before you dare cast your judgement. Remember: judge not, lest you be judged.

There is help. If you are in this place or know of any parents who are in this place; know there is help. There are people who do understand what you (or they) are going through.

Where did she go?

2008-07-26T09:28:00.000-04:00

I'm right here!
So, check it out!

I may be leaving ...

2008-07-18T09:37:00.002-04:00

Yes. You read that right.

I think I may be moving to wordpress.
However ... I am still figuring it out.
Here's where you can find me (here and there)
www.je55y.wordpress.com

But, I will still be here for a little bit until I can figure wordpress out.
Wow! Blogging is complicated.
But I love it!

Unequally Yoked

2008-07-17T08:54:00.012-04:00

Training oxen requires putting two different animals together; ones who have been raised from a different master and teaching them to work for another master: YOU.

This is so atypical to the natural course of things. You take an animal who has already learned what is necessary to get the job done and now you put them in a yoke and force them to relearn it all again!? WHAT?
That's crazy!

You know why it's important? Because you are their new master. You have to undo what they have already learned and teach them how to do it your way. It's your job as their new master.

Each time they are yoked together they will learn something; either something profitable for them or not. It is extremely uncomfortable for the oxen to be unqually yoked during their training; but it is essential. Here's the interesting part: They will challenge everything you do as their new master. Why? Because they will continue to create ways to have their own needs met.

Oxen will follow the rules of the master. If they think they are the master of their own domain; they will do what they please; however, if they know you are their master, they will follow your rules. But first you need to show them who's boss. You must prove yourself worthy, worthy to follow, to trust and provide for them.

Training them is not just about who's boss. It's about whether or not you are a trustworthy leader. They need to know you can be trusted to take care of them; to apply what you say; to be consistent. You must earn your respect as a leader. Remember, it is extremely uncomfortable for two seperate oxen to be paired together.

By showing you are a good leader, you must break the bad habits: yours and theirs. They will learn through the value of consequences. This requires a vast amount of commitment and follow through. You cannot let them do something you have not taught them, you cannot allow them to disobey or run off. Any time they disobey, you must teach them a lesson; the longer they disobey, the longer the lesson. They need to learn who is in charge.

It is far better to start with the young than the old. Once you have trained a young ox, they submit to your authority more readily than an elder. With an elder, more "mature" ox, you must constantly show them who's in charge. What a pain, right? It is important to train them while they are young, because once the young are older, they will be much larger than you and yet you will still be able to control them: you have already earned their trust. Once you have been established as their leader, the oxen will respect you. They will heed to your commands.

Now, you may be asking what the heck this has to do with being unequally yoked... Well, according to scripture Jesus tells us not to be unequally yoked. First read the verse:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” II Corinthians 6:14-17

Okay, so what in the world does that mean and why am I writing about training oxen....

First of all, let me first say that I am sad to hear of so many believers I know getting married to those who aren't ... and then they aren't happy with the results. It saddens me. And most of the believers are women married to men they think they can "win over". Okay, well scripture does say we, as women, can win them over without saying a word ...but ... it isn't working.

Here's why .... ladies .... first of all, you are not the head of the household. Now hold on all you feministic fanatics out there ... I'm not saying what you do and say doesn't matter in the house. I am saying that the man is the head, the leader, the Oh captain, my captain of the ship. I didn't set it up that way: God did. Ephesians 5:21-25

It's all about love and respect. If you respect him, you will be willing to serve him. If he feels this from you, he will love you and be willing to serve you. It's odd, I know - but it works because God set it up that way and I know if you just do it that way, it works. It will.

However ... however, I love that word ... However, if you don't do it that way ... there will be conflict. Now there's a word I don't like. So ... imagine if you will you are standing on a chair. Now, imagine there is someone standing next to you. Now ... try to pull them up on the chair with you. No, they cannot help you. No one is there to help you. You have to do it with only your strength.
It is impossible. In fact, the person may end up pulling you off the chair and hurting you and themselves. You being on the chair represents you as a believer in Christ; a citizen of Heaven; higher in stature; position (but by no means in arrogance).

I've tried it. Trust me. I have not once been able to pull a person up to the chair without help. A lot of help. That being said ... how many times have you tried to convince someone to think the way you think; believe what you believe; feel what you feel? You can't. You just can't do it.

So then, why would you think if you marry the guy (or the girl) you will be able to change them to believe and feel what you feel.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah, I can't, but God can. And you're right, God can ...BUT ... he said don't do it. He said don't do it. He said DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED.

Now, I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to not like being told what to do. And I also have this tendency to think that I can change someone. It doesn't work that way.

Only God can change people ... and that person has to be willing; they have to be open; they have to have their heart softened towards God. And only God can do that. No matter what you say ... only God has the power to change some one's thoughts, beliefs and feelings towards him.

I know you might also be thinking that love will conquer all and you can win them over with your love. That won't work either. Only the love of Christ will truly win them over. I know you love them a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be with them, but only God can truly turn their lives around. Marrying them does not open a door to change. Trust me. I'm married. There is no changing him. He will change if he is convicted by God, not convinced by me.

You see, God set things up the way he did for a reason. Just like training an ox to follow your rules, God uses Jesus and his teachings to train us to follow his rules. The oxen don't like to be told what to do any more than you and I; however, when they finally submit to the authority of their master, they are blessed. Blessed with positive consequences.

I know you love them. But sometimes the act of love is letting go. Sometimes if you genuinely love them (and yourself) you have to be willing to be obedient to God first. In doing so, hey, you never know, God may honor your obedience by turning their heart towards him and eventually back towards you. Only God knows.

Trust that God knows what he is doing. And just like your parents, who sometimes had you do things you didn't want to do, and maybe you did it and maybe you didn't. No matter what you decided, there were consequences to your actions. If you obeyed, it was good. If you disobeyed, it was not so good. And I'm sure you didn't like it, but it was good for you and it taught you right from wrong; good from bad. It taught you to honor and obey; to trust.

There is a perfectly good reason why God puts these rules out there for us, like it or not; they are to protect us and keep us from getting hurt: hurt by others and hurt by ourselves.

Now, I leave you with this. My sister-in-law married my brother. Out of love. She is a believer, my brother is not. He left her. For his best friends' wife. They have a daughter. Her name is Nikki. She is six.

A non-believer will do what non-believers do; just as an ox will do as he pleases, unless he is under the proper authority. In this case: God's.
They will pull you down from the chair. And the whole time they were doing it ... you thought you were still up there. My sister-in-law is only now beginning to realize when she started falling off the chair.

Jesus is our master. He knows the uncomfortableness of being unequally yoked. He knows the pains, the hardship. Just as the master of the oxen must be patient and consistent and loving; our God will be that way with us. It is difficult for the master to train those who are unequal; it takes a long time. But it is much more painful for the oxen; and they don't have a choice, whereas you do.

Be careful. I know you love them, I am not discounting that. Love is a great and powerful thing; but so is God. And his love is above all the love you can imagine.

A Broken Leg

2008-07-16T19:45:00.009-04:00

Did you know that sheep are pretty dumb animals?
Did you also know that the Bible refers to believers as sheep?
Logic would then tell us that we are pretty dumb.
Therefore, we need a shepherd.
Hence, Christ.

However, did you also know that sheep, being the dumb creatures they are will follow the lead of another dumb sheep ... and not the shepherd? Yup. The other sheep will just follow along having no clue whatsoever of where they are going or what they are doing.

They know one thing: follow that sheep.
The shepherd maybe calling the lead sheep and the lead sheep is not returning.
The other sheep continue to follow.

So what's a shepherd to do?
Go get the trouble making dumb sheep who is leading the others astray, break its leg and carry it over his shoulder until the leg heals.

During that time of healing, the sheep whose leg gets broken learns the shepherd's voice and learns to trust the shepherd. When the sheep's leg is healed, the shepherd releases the sheep.

Guess what the sheep does then?
The sheep stays with the shepherd.
He no longer wonders off for others to follow it.

Now, that's not to say that others won't try and do the same thing, but at least one has learned its lesson.

Jesus says, the sheep know me and they know my voice.
John 10:4, 14, 27
In fact, just read all of John 10, because all is lost without proper context. As Bobb Biehl says, "Nothing is meaningful without context." Nicely put.

Jesus is trying to say that he knows his people. He knows us.
He also knows that there are those among us who will try to convince us of things that are not true; are not of God. Satan, our enemy will use those closest to you to convince you of things; he will use those closest to you to hurt you and pull or push your buttons.

If we are close to Jesus, and if we have all been broken, which we have; logically speaking: all of us like sheep have gone astray - Isaiah 53:6... so ... that being said, if we have all been broken, and we are all like sheep, then we, too know the voice of our shepherd. We learn to trust and obey him; to stay close to him.

So ... then, why is it that we still struggle with believing what we hear from others and leave our shepherd's side?

Here's what I think.
I think it's because we trust those around us to know what they are talking about.
I believe it is in our nature to believe in those closest to us; especially those we trust, those we believe to also be spiritual and religious and Christ-like.
However, there are many Christ followers who are not exactly who they claim to be.
We've all been there.
We've all been those people who say we care, but we really don't.
We've all be hypocritical (and if you say aren't, guess what? You just made yourself one).

We are all human ... and that's the problem.

So, what to do ... what to do?
Well, definately pray.
Be close to your shepherd.
Spend time with him every day and seek him out.
Filter what others say to you through God's word and through your own prayer life.
If it sounds hinky, it probably is.
Plus, if it is in direct contradiction to what you know is true, guess what, don't believe it then.
Sometimes if you just use your common sense ... it should tell you something.
If you believe something to be true because there is no other reason to believe otherwise, until someone or something comes around to convince you otherwise ... maybe you should ask yourself why they are trying to convince you of something different. Maybe they have an agenda.

I know I have gone through this with my family; it's family .. what can you do?
I have also gone through it with some of my good friends from church (who are no longer involved with the same church and are no longer good friends).
And that's a good thing.
It's good because ...
It has taught me who to trust.
It has taught me to be more careful with what I believe.
It has caused me to pause when I hear things and filter it through the word of God and the voice of my shepherd.
It has caused me to be thankful for what has happened in order to teach me what to look out for next time.
It has caused me to reflect more than I ever thought necessary; reflect on the past in light of the present with a hope for the future.
It has caused me to be less judgemental and more open to what God may be teaching me in the moment.
It has also taught me the value of one's character and integrity.
It has also taught me the most valuable lesson of all:
Trust God. Trust God. Trust God.
Did I mention it has taught me to trust God?

There have been countless amount of times that I have wanted to trust the person, the circumstance or my own thoughts.... It is impossible.
Even when what I hear and believe doesn't make any sense: I need to Trust God!

We've all been broken.
Therefore, we should all know the voice of our shepherd.
However, it is our choice as to whether we will listen to him, others or ourselves.
I choose to listen to him; lest I be led astray.

Be bold.
Be great.
Read Barbaric Grace

Feeling a "little" Liberated

2008-07-15T11:46:00.005-04:00

I am reading this book called Barbaric Grace written by some guy with some vision ... my pastor! It is amazing.
I cannot tell you how inspired this book has made me to do something I had only dreams and visions of. For years now, ever since moving to O-town I have had a desire to help the homeless, vegabonds and the prostitutes. I just don't know how to ... yet.
I thought I had this burden before I went to the Domincan Republic; since coming back two and a half years ago ... it is still there. The voices are not getting any quieter ... and no, I am not some schizoid dellusionary ...
When my husband and I retire I still pray on going back there to teach English and give hope to those children (like the one you see in this picture); hope of a future; a future with plans of prosperity, joy and peace that can only come from Christ.

Now I know and realize there are many out there who take advantage of sorry saps like me who have a heart for the disadvantaged, but here it is ...
It's simple, yet so incredably silly.
I thought about buying a bunch of bread (which is like three bucks for two loafs at BJ's wholesale - not bad) and some peanut butter; honey, fluff, jelly and butter.
Not done yet ... hold on to your hats.
Make a whole mess of sandwhiches of different callabor; obviously not every one likes peanut butter and jelly and then pass them out ... oh and milk. Can't have peanut butter without milk.
Or ... or ... I could make and bring hot dogs and buns with ketchup, mustard, sauercraut ... yummy. But then I would need someplace to keep them warm ... And I think I would need a permit for a hot dog stand ... not at all what I have in mind right now.

But first. I need to know where they all hang out. Now, before all the construction on the 408 and I-4 (thank you very much); and the blue laws activated, it was obvious where the homeless and the prostitutes hung out ... BUT NOW ... I can't find their hang out ... so how can I pass out sandwhiches to people I can't find?
I can't.

So .. what to do ....
What to do.

I really don't know yet.
I think I can maybe go to the police station and ask them where the vegabonds are hanging out now a days ... but I think they may think me crazy ...
So, I don't really like the looks of that idea ...

So why would I go through all this trouble and money and time for people who may only just take advantage of someone like me ...
Well now ... THAT is a good question.
One which deserves an answer.
I have this burden.
It bugs the hell out of me.
Everytime I see a homeless person I can't help but think of ways to help them.
You have no idea the hours I spend thinking up things. Hours. I hate it.
Everytime I see what looks to be a prostitute (it's hard now a days because so many young ladies dress so provocatively, I can't hardly tell anymore) I just want to help them out somehow. But how?
How do I do so in a genuine way without getting hurt, without hurting them and still answer the greatest question of all: how do I communicate Christ to them in a sincere, loving, genuine way without making Christ look like me?
Because, after all, it's not about me.
It's about him!

How do I bring them the good news without scaring them
off with "church-I-ness"?
Punn intended.

How do I get them to see that not all church people are the same?
They know all about the gospel and God and his goodness; trust me.
If they have been to any one of the shelters, they've heard it all ... and yet ... where are they? Why do some of us continue to act as though we have no responsibility to them when cleary Jesus commands us to take care of them?

I'm not saying you HAVE to do something; but clearly you have to do what God is screaming in your ear (or heart) to do ... or at least it's what it seems like.

I'm still in the pilot stage of my thinking ... It's a thought ... it's a prayer ... it's a burden ... it's frankly a pain in my neck!
Don't you know I would rather think on ANY OTHER thing or person in the whole world than to think on someone who CHOOSES (or do they?) to be where they are when I drive by and see them standing there. Don't you know I think of the same excuses you do (or not) when I see them and CHOOSE not to act.
You see, there I go again!
I could write on this all day!

Please pray for God to reveal HIMSELF to me in this.
I want to be in his footsteps and set a good example for his sake not my own agenda.
Do I even have one? I don't know ... I just know what bothers me and I also know where visions start and how they start and how they begin, or not begin and therefor die ... I have lots of things I'd rather be thinking about and doing; but this ... this things I keep thinking about it bugging me....

I figured it out!

2008-07-12T08:51:00.002-04:00

I Love a Rainy Night!

I Love a Rainy Night

2008-07-11T19:29:00.004-04:00

I love thunder storms.
I love the rain.

I love a rainy night.
I love to hear the thunder,
Watch the lightning when it lights up the sky.
I love a rainy night ..
ooh. ooh.
Well I love a rainy night.
ooh. ooh.
You know it makes me feel good.

Eddie Rabbitt sings that song.
I love that song.
I remember when I was young, my Daddy used to sing that song to me as I sat on his lap.
He would tap out the beat with is legs as I would bounce on his lap.
Funny now as I think of it, but I really love rain storms.

If you haven't heard that song, you gotta '>hear it now.

I love being reminded of the time I spent with my Daddy, too.
But the rain storms do more than that.
They also remind me of how powerful, majestic and creative my heavenly Daddy is, too!

He is so creative. How beautiful and scary the storms are.
How loud and destructive.
Yet so reflective of his majestic nature.

I love the rain, the storms and all that it brings.
It brings tragedy and closeness.
It ruins picnics and baseball games, but yet brings growth.
It brings floods and yet washes away the unnecessary.

Our heavenly father is the creator of that.
He brings tradegy into our lives but draws us near to him as a result.
He allows our family and fun time and yet he stretches to become better.
He floods our lives with his inconceivableness and washes away our ugliness; our selves.

How great is he!
How marvelous!
How wonderful!
The master of it all!

Desolation

2008-07-11T07:34:00.002-04:00

The definition of desolation, according to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (2004), states it is grief; sadness; loneliness; devastation; ruin; a barren wasteland.

Have you ever isolated something or someone (including yourself) to the point where it becomes a wasteland or the person you see becomes grief stricken or lonely?

I've seen it, I've felt it, I've experienced it. We all have. The point is what we do in order to stay far from ruin or allowing someone or something to become ruined.
That's rather difficult.
Why? Because our enemy would like nothing more than to think separating ourselves from others is a safe place. Keeping our distance from others and things we once enjoyed is okay; it's acceptable; everything will be okay. Going away to be alone, to isolate ourselves from those who care for us, even is our darkest and weakest moments is comfortable. At least these are the things that our enemy tells us ... and we believe it.

It takes effort to actually do the opposite; to create an atmosphere of acceptance, nurture and love, no matter what. If you believe the former stuff about being alone to contemplate what has gone wrong, then explain why (ladies), somewhere deep inside you long for someone to come after you, you desire someone to seek you out, to come and find you. I say Ladies, because I know very few who walk away to be alone who actually want to be alone ... (that's a hint to all you men reading this who have ladies who up and walk out of the room ... um ... go. go. go. At least ask her if she's alright or wants some help... maybe she is just putting laundry away, but she wants to know that you care about what she is doing, just as she shows you she cares).

OK, I'll get off my soap box.

So, why is it that we all seem to feel safer going off by ourselves, when clearly, it is not safer because we then isolate ourselves from those who can bring us comfort, reassurance and prayers? Now, I'm not saying to go off to be alone in prayer. Yes, do that. Yes, go off and be alone to pray; even our Lord did that ... many times. But he didn't stay there. He came back to those he loved and those who loved him. He didn't stay away from them. And when he did, those who loved him, guess what ... they sought him out. At times, it did seem rather like hounding, but Jesus knew their hearts. He knew they needed him and still did not quite understand his need for the Father ... or who he was for that matter.

Isolation with our Heavenly Father is good. He stills our thoughts and quiets our hearts. He brings reassurance and peace. However, staying there for too long leads to destruction; especially if your alone time no longer includes the Father; but rather you and all your self-loathing.

Our enemy would love that more than anything; for you to forsake the Father and your need for him; to find the resolution on your own; to talk to yourself and reassure yourself rather than talk to the Father and wait for his reassurance.

Surround yourself with prayer warriors; people who will pray for your needs continually; people who will pray for your protection and spiritual survival. Our battle is not between flesh, although at times it feels that way (I know I've wanted to throw a few punches now and again). Our battle is between good and evil; sin and death; light and darkness; things of this world that cannot be seen. Remember that our enemy can use other people for his weapons of destruction; that includes your spouses, children, friends and family. Pray for protection; guidance, wisdom and discernment.

Allow those around you to pray for you. I know it may cause you to be vulnerable and weak; but Christ's strength will trump any weakness. Trust God above all things; don't try to understand things on your own; for there are many things happening around you that are beyond logic and reason; trust that God knows what he is doing and he doesn't need your help. If he was strong enough to conquer death, he is strong enough to conquer your problems.

I know how difficult it may be to trust, because people hurt and people are disloyal and sometimes untrustworthy; but our Father is loyal, trustworthy and competant. He will not abandon you in your time of need and he will send help; pray for wisdom and discernment in knowing what they help "looks like".

Beautiful People

2008-07-09T10:44:00.004-04:00

Two of the people in this picture most of you know as my son and daughter. The others in the picture, although you may not know them, you have heard me speak of them often.

They are my man's children from his previous relationships/marriages. They are beautiful.

Being married to a man with a past is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Nearly every day I learn something new about him, his family, his past.

Being a mother to children who want nothing to do with me is also very difficult. My man thinks I try too hard; I don't think I try hard enough and the children who don't live with us don't care whether I try or not. The cold hard truth is: they don't care about me; nor do they have to. It doesn't matter how I see it; the impotant thing for me is to understand how they see it. Whether is makes any sense; whether it is rational or irrational - it doesn't matter. What matters is how they interpret the things around them and my comprehension of and reaction to that.

When I married my man, I married him for who he was and is and everything he brought and brings into the marriage; that includes his children. The two who live with us love their Dad and I dearly, although we have our difficulties just as any other blended family. However, the others ... well, that's a whole nother story.

How do I love someone who doesn't love me?
How do I show someone I care about them when they could care less about me?
How do I keep trying and pushing forward when all my attempts are thwarted?
How do I keep forgiving someone who deliberately hurts me?

Some of you reading this think you understand what's it's like; but I doubt it.
You can only truly understand once you've been down a similar road.

So ... what to do ... what to do.
As of now, I am attempting to forgive 70 times 7. Thank you very much Peter for asking Jesus how many times we should forgive our brethren. I really appreciate the visual now.
No really, thanks. I can understand why you really wanted to know...

Now, I am attempting to unmask the bitter taste of anger and betrayal.
Now, I am working my way back to freedom by learning how to develop a safety net of friends and a support system around me to protect me from future hurts and pain.
Now, I am learning what to look for and how to have compassion and empathy for those who hurt me because of who I represent; and for what they do not understand.
Now, I will learn to be more proactive rather than reactive and learn to see through Satan's guise. Key word: learn.

Not an easy task; but necessary.
Necessary for my marriage, my sanity and security.
Necessary for my walk, my representation and the beautiful people in my life.
Just plain necessary.
I would ask you to pray, but I have no idea what exactly to ask you to pray for.
I am at a loss. I don't even know what to pray; what to ask for; what to beg for.
Intersession is needed from the highest of highs.
True intersession.

And for those of you with step parents: be gentle, be kind.
And remember, if you truly honor, love and repect your biological parents; you would, in turn honor, love and repect them for and in their choice of a spouse.

Waiting

2008-07-08T17:43:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been waiting for something to come about? Something important maybe ... or maybe not really important, but rather interesting or something new and exciting?

In Greece, a place called Pikermi just outside of Athens on Maraothon Road, we were waiting for the bus. A bus taking us to the port of Rafina. Obviously, I had never been there and was anxious to see where it was we were going.

It was beautiful there. The beach was calm and the sun was setting. The air was cool and calm; things were quite.

Although it was wonderful to be there, I desperately missed my family and friends in O-Town. It is such an incredible experience, but it isn't the same when you are waiting ... waiting to go home.

Don't get me wrong, I had a great time; learned a lot about the culture and about my fellow classmates, however, I longed to be back home.

So patiently awaiting for a bus, a plane, a change.
I know I waited and am still waiting. Not for a bus or a plane this time, but a change.
A change that I have no control over; except for the change of my own self.

Now that I am home, I need an emotional, spiritual, physical and psychological make-over.
I have been waiting for those around me to change; when really, I need to change and accept others for who they are.

Not an easy undertaking. People, if you haven't noticed at times, can be quite fickle and quite frankly, a PITA (pain in the ... ) - particularly family members.

People, including myself, do things based on their own value system; things that are important to them, things that spur them in a particular direction. The direction they take, their attitudes, their downfalls and shortcomings, how they handle themselves ( or not ) depends on their values; or lack there of.

There are some people I have met over the course of my life that value themselves; and you can clearly see it in their behavior, attitude and actions, as well as their character - Their abc's shall we say: Attitude, Behavior and Character.

There are many more people in my life, praise God, that value others. Praise God.
I thank him for putting more of those people in my path than those who value themselves.

It makes me so angry when God doesn't move in the direction I think he should when it comes to values. Especially when my values are being challenged. However, then I become those who value their own values over those who value others.

So, what to do ... what to do ...
Here is what I am setting out to do.
Focus on the value of others. Get a handle on what it is they are communicating with their abc's and find their values. It should be obvious. Once I have established what that person values, I can then better communicate with them ( or maybe not, but it's a start ).

If someone values themselves, well, the choice for me is obvious; don't put a lot of stock into what they are saying. They may be blowing smoke somewhere unmentionalble.
I'm not sure if I'm right or if I am wrong; but somewhere along life's journey for me, I need to value other's values whether I agree with them or not. I need to learn how to demonstrate that in a more compassionate and understanding way ... not to win them over, but rather to understand them as a whole person; whether I like them this way or that way or not.
I can't choose who my family or my family-in-law's are any more than you can; so now is the time to take action and commit to better understanding those around me.

I need to tell myself this: I don't need to like what they are doing or how they make me feel; but I do need to ( big gulp here ) love them for who they are: a person who God loves and is here for a reason, just like me; whether I like that reason or not. Maybe they are my thorn ... zoiks!
And you all know how that story ended ... if not read it in II Corinthians 12:7-10.
All for the sake of keeping me from vain conceit; after all, who gave me what I have today?
Not you, not me, not my family or my man; God.

And so I wait. Not for a plane or a bus, but a change to take place in me; not in others, although that would be nice, however, what would I learn ... exactly.

Keep this in mind as you live and grow
God loves you more than you'll ever know
All your mistakes and troubled past
Are gone like the wind; they won't last
He loves and accepts you for who you are
Whether you are close or from afar
Maybe you say "I don't like what I see"
Then take a good look at the you that is me
Don't soon forget what has happened before
And remember one's window is another one's door
-JES

Home Coming Celebration!

2008-06-24T10:43:00.003-04:00

I cannot wait to board that plane and come on home tomorrow! The thought of seeing my man.

Greece has been a rewarding experience, but I find myself longing to be in the comfort of my own home.

I can now imagine what it must be like for those who venture to the states in a effort to make life better for their family; they find work and a place to live. They spend many months saving in order to one day bring their family to the states.

It is very difficult for me to be away from my family for as long as I have. I do so much and being here, I have done so little; it makes me feel at times, useless. I know it is not true; however, I feel empty without my family with me. My friends help and allow me to get away and enjoy life away from them, but I can accomplish more with them by my side.

I miss them deeply and I cannot wait to see their faces, to hold them in my arms; to kiss their cheeks and hear "I love you".

I don't know how pastors do it; spending so much time away from their families; building churches, visiting churches, planting churches, evangalizing; all this away from their spouses and children. Impressive!

I pray the Lord will bless my family as I have been away. I pray the Lord will continue to bless the efforts of those who spend time away from their family in order to better understand other cultures; other people; other nations; with compassion, peace, and the Love only God can provide through his son Jesus Christ!

I am sorry I have not written much while I have been here. The internet is not always friendly as I would like it to be ... I will write about things that transpired while I was here when I return to the states. I have missed you all deeply and I genuinely look forward to seeing you again.

I send with you my love and my prayers!

Greece

2008-06-17T15:23:00.004-04:00

There is a subway in Greece, ok. And when they were constructing it ... wouldn't you know they found a bunch of stuff.
Some of the artifacts found date back to King David. Can you believe it?

It is amazing here.
So different from the United States.
Road signs, speed limits, driving, walking (which by the way there is a lot of it here; some thing the US has forgotten how to do), the transit system ... golly there is a lot of things so different - including sidewalk. ... What side walks?

I could so live here. It is so amazing; however, they are Greek Orthedox.
Don't know a lot about it, but they basically believe the same as the Catholic's, but a little bit "tweaked". There is a lot more than that, like the great skism and such, but the important thing to note is that those who are not Greek Orthodox are treated as Heathens.

You aren't even aloud in the Church. Can't even take a picture of a priest. You could actually get arrested for it.

Tomorrow we are headed to a convent nearby Pakirmi; which is where we are now located.
I hope I have more time to blog every day that I am here ... I haven't blogged in forever and I ask you to forgive me for not taking it as seriously as I should.

Thank you fellow readers!
I love you all and I miss you terribly.

Se Agapo!

A Tribute to my GRANDma

2008-05-28T09:00:00.008-04:00

This is my Grandmother. Isn't she so cute?
This picture was taken at my Granddaddy's 80th
birthday party. I call her "Shorty" because she keeps shrinking.
In this picture, my Grandma wanted, of her and my brother (ain't he handsome), she told him he'd have to sit down and he said, "No I don't. Watch.", so you see him squatting down to her level in order to make her feel better about not being so tiny compared to him in the picture. That's why she's laughing and her cheeks are so red.

On Memorial day most of you were out picnicing/BBQing with your family and having a great time; hey so was I, well I was BQQing and working on a paper, so I was sort of having a good time; at least the food was good.

My Grandma and Granddaddy were at a birthday party for one of the great grandbabies; when around 3:00pm, my Grandma said she didn't feel very well. She wanted to go home and go to bed but others around her convinced her to go to the hospital (considering some of the people there had had their share of problems, she agreed). They called 911 and went to the hospital.

Once there, they discovered she'd suffered a heart attack and was rushed into surgery where she was given three stents.
I found out from my brother, whom you see in this picture. I received the call when I was on my way home from my brother-in-laws home; around 6:30pm.

After speaking with my brother, I called my Granddaddy; he said my Grandma was fine and would be coming home in a couple of days. I spoke with my mom for a little while and then called the hospital to see how things were going. BTW 411 is not a very good info provider; especially when you are trying to find out a number for a hospital; and you're crying.

So, the nurse I spoke with said she was doing well. She was in ICU, and would be moved to a room outside of ICU on Tuesday. I called Tuesday at 6:30am to see how she was doing; the nurses reported fine and she would be moved later in the afternoon; which she was. I called back when she was moved to her room and was able to speak with her; the kids spoke with her and told her their concerns and how much they loved her.

My Grandma is the lady who made sure I went to church; made sure I knew about Jesus, made sure I listened; was polite, repectful; kind, lady-like.
I am her Angel and she is my Guardian Angel.

I love her so deeply; she practically raised me; she is like a Mom to me.
She is perfect. She is wholesome and gente;
She is kind and warmhearted.
She prays every chance she gets;
She journals so she won't foget.
She takes care of her husband and laughs at his jokes.
She loves her man and he loves her back;
They argue at times; then forgive and forget.
She is an example of purity and wisdom;
She is goodness and love; hearty and fun.
She is mercy and grace all rolled up in one.
She prays for me;
She's my guardian angel.
Without her prayers;
God knows where I'd be...

Thank you Lord for my Grandma.
Thank you for what she has taught me
In words and in action
I've watched her all my life
And ya know what I saw?
I saw You.
I saw Jesus.
I saw Love
I saw Mercy.
I saw me.

I love you Grandma.

A Tribute to my Daddy

2008-05-22T08:13:00.007-04:00

I love you Daddy.
You are the funniest guy on Earth.
I miss you so much.
You always make me laugh, even when I am the saddest girl on the planet.
After being cheated on, dumped; when you found out I started smoking at the age of 24, when I hate fights with my mom; you were always there; even though you weren't really 'there'.
I keep trying to convince you to come to Florida, but you'd rather stay in New York, with your air conditioning and walk around with your cut off jeans.
I love the funny faces you make; playing silly games like spoons and Janga.
No matter what you always seemed to have a smile on your face.
You taught me how to love people, even when they are being a complete jackass.
You taught me how to accept people for who they are, even when they are an idiot.
You taught me how to be sincere and genuine about how I feel, no matter what anyone else might think.
I'll be in Greece for Father's day, but I wanted to start a tribute to you now.
I hope you know how much I love you, Daddy!

Thank you for teaching me to love my mom even when she can be the most unlovable person around. Thank you for loving your wife; thank you for teaching me what staying together through all the yuck looks like. Thank you for teaching me how to get over the pain; to move on and to laugh.

I hope you know how much I appreciate you and all you do for your family, for your beautiful wife and children. Thank you for teaching me what family is all about. Thank you for always having the right things to say, even when I didn't want to talk about it.

Thank you, Daddy.

A Fail-a-phobic

2008-05-13T14:22:00.010-04:00

Sorry for not writing in a couple of days... been thinkin ...

I gotta tell ya, God has a way of gettin to ya when ya least expect it ...

How do I know?

I listen to music, I read books, I read my daily email devotions, I listen to my friends, family and spouse, and most recently, I know because I attend this church called C3, and heard my Pastor.

This past Mother's Day felt like the Twighlight Zone.
I sat there listening to the message; not knowing what to expect ... we have church in the theater, but it's not like there's theatrical trailers, ya know.
Ya never know what to expect ... well, that's not all together true.
Ya know the theme, but ya just don't know excatly what the topic of conversation is going to be.

I didn't like this one.
Probably because it hit a nerve that I don't like to expose or even acknowledge at times.
I know it's there, but I don't like knowing it's there.

The nerve is a fear .. a fear of failure.
You name the failure and I'm afraid of it.

I'm a mother, a sister, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a friend.
I'm a wife, an employee, a mentor, a fellow collegue, a future counselor.
I am afriad to fail at each of these.
To the point of tears; literally, I cry at the mere thought of it.

SO, Mother's Day began well greeting people at the door, praying for new comers, and then praising and worshiping God, followed by listening to the Preacherman preach it.

To my surprise, you guessed it, he spoke about failure.
Thanks. Of couse, if I had known he was going to torture me with that lesson, I would have found a reason not to sit in on the shpeel; I would have stayed greeting people, or mingling with people waiting for the next service.

So's he starts talkin about this guy Peter in the Bible, who's a real ass ya know.
No kidding.
He's enjoys the taste of "sole" and I don't mean fish.

He's impulsive at times, he's irrational, arrogant, pompous, a showboat.
He reminds me of me when I'm not careful.
But the most times he reminds me of me is when he is scared he won't measure up; he rests on his own abilities and hopes Jesus is who is said he is ... or else he's in real trouble.

Like when he said he's never betray Jesus, or when he cut the ear off the soldier who came to arrest Jesus, or when he walked on water and began to sink, or like when he Jesus took them to a special place to see Moses and Elijah he wanted to build a tent; even the Bible tells us "He did not know what he was saying" ...
I gotta be honest, I'm like that in a lot of ways.
I get so excited and self-reliant, I forget who I am and what to say; impulsive; reckless.

My Pastor spoke more specifically about Peter the day he wanted to walk out to Jesus on the water. Ya know Jesus would never tell us "Yeah, go ahead." if he knew we would fail, would he?

Most of you, including myself, would say "Of course not. Jesus wouldn't do that to us. He loves us." I agree. But.

But, how many times have you felt as though Jesus has called you to do something and you fail?
Many times, I betcha. And what do you tell yourself ... "It must not have been a calling." or "I was decieved." But.

But, were you deceived?
Or was it a calling meant for you to fail ... in order to teach you about failure?

Ah Ha!
With the Lords help, my Pastor and many tears (some sustained, obtained and refrained) on Sunday ... I came to the realization that maybe failure is just what Dr. Jesus ordered.

Jesus knew what would happen; I think he knew Peter would begin to fear, take his eyes off from Him and sink. I also think that Jesus knew Peter lost faith in himself.
In himself ... not Jesus; in himself as a believer, as a Christ follower.

The Bible tells us that we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.
And it also says that all things are possible with Christ.

So, if that's true; and if God never lies.
Then ... then ...
Why is it that we fail ... and some of us fail in our calling, in all things we do, in everything that is attempted for good. Hmmm. Could it be ... hear me now ... could it be that we fail in order to learn to trust ourselves through Christ. Hear me... we are a new creation ... we have died to self ... the spirit of Christ lives within us ... we are the temple of God ...

Therefore, when we attempt to do something we believe to be a calling or we are doing something God has already called us to be (you are a daughter, father, mother - can't change that, sorry) .. ok and then you fail at it ... so ... what's that say?

Does that mean you should quit? You are a failure?
No, it simply means you failed.

Peter sank.
The big deal is that he lost faith in who he was.
He also lost sight of Jesus; but I think more importantly, knowing Peter, he lost faith in himself.
I think he spent a lot of times grooming and trying to be the best he could be.
I think the fear of not meeting Jesus' expectations and the expectations of others weighed heavily upon his shoulders. I know it weighs heavy on me ... and get this ... I'm the one who puts the weight there ... no one else. I think Peter was the same way.

Ya know Jesus knew this and wanted to send a message of faith and inspiration to Peter: In Luke Jesus is having a conversation with Satan ... obviously no one else is aware of it, but Jesus says in chapter 22 that Satan is asking to sift us like wheat. (meaning - kick our butts).
But Jesus says "I have prayed for you (Peter) that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back strengthen your brethren."

Jesus knew he knew knew knew knew knew, Peter was going to turn his back on Jesus, he knew he was going to fail and make a multitude of mistakes ... but he says, "when you have turned back ... strengthen your brethren".

Jesus knows I'm gonna fail. He knows I am terrified of it. ... scared to tears ...
I don't even like to talk about it ... scared.

But when I do fail ... don't lose my faith.
That is faith in myself for who I am in Christ Jesus.
The sweetest name in Earth.

And when (not IF) but when I fail, come back and offer strength to my fellow brothers and sisters whom God loves. Give them strength ...
Why? Cause I know what the feeling of failure looks like, tastes like, feels like, smells like and sounds like.

I will fail. I will cry. I will panic. I will sink. I will cry. I will fear. I will fail.
But.

But...
When I do, I will not lose faith in who God has created me to be. I will not lose faith in who God is and what he expects me to do. I will, as Rascal Flatts puts it, pick myself up off the floor and try it again; offering strength to others around me enduring the same fear.

I have never been more uncomfortable in Church as I remember being Sunday ... due to the message, of course, not the circumstances; I am not ok with it.
But that's ok.

Why? Because ... here's what I have to keep telling myself, so as not to lose faith ..
God is not concerned about my failures ... He is concerned about the reponse to my failures.
Will I cower ... will I run ... will I try again ... will I lose faith ... will I quit ... will I yell ... will I pout ... will I scream ... will I curse ... will I pick myself up off the ground, turn around and become stronger as a result of the failure; and therefor be a better witness and provider for those who have failed ... will I become a person of better influence as a result of my failure?

Only God knows.
But...
But, I pray I will be a person of great influence after significant failure.

Isolation ...

2008-05-09T15:17:00.005-04:00

Things will never be done fast enough.
That's why we have a McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Jack-n-the-box, Crystals, Steak 'n Shake, Checkers, KFC, Pizza Hut, Panda Express, Taco Hell, Long John Silvers and Sonics all within a five mile radius of one another some where near you.

We have to have it right now.
Hence the cell phones and lap tops.

We are all striving for something better, but we end up sacrificing in the end.

Sacrificing time with our loved ones, time with ourselves, time with our friends, time with our God....

Is it worth it?
You go to McD's to save time... time for what?
To run to your next appointment???

You have a cell phone so you don't miss anything; so you save time.
Now, you're always on it, either texting or talking ... who are you making time for.

I have seen 6 year olds with cell phones.
What on earth for?
Please, someone tell me?
Seriously.
And please, please don't tell me "in case of an emergency".

When our kitchen caught on fire when I was 9 years old, I didn't stop and say, "oh, I wish my mom were here to help me". No, I ran to the neighbors house to call 911. Cause, that's what I was taught in school... and guess what ... that's what they still teach in school.

Ok, I'll get down off the soap box.

I think we are teaching our children and others around us this:

"I don't need anybody.
Unless, of course, it's an emergency.
Then I need you."

Not a good lesson.
God created us in his image.
He wasn't alone when he started and he isn't alone now.
Why would he create man and woman and then establish a population of people who are slowly isolating themselves from everyone?

God wouldn't do that. Ya know why?
Cause that would make God a liar.

God said in Genesis (the first book of the Bible) it is not good for man to be alone.
I don't think he was just throwing it out there, ya know.
I think he meant it.
It is the only time during creation that God said, "Oops. Not good. Back up here, I think we have a problem."
And everybody said, "Uh, oh, Like really? Like where and stuff?"
And God said, "Like look at Adam."
And the others said, "Like yeah, I'm looking."
And God said, "Like, I don't see any other creature that could ya know like, understand him and like could totally be a good companion and all. Like, I'd like to be there with him every minute of the day and stuff, but like, I think he needs someone, like suitable and stuff."
And the others said, "Oh, oh oh ... Oh, I see, now."

And so God made a suitable mate, woman.
And everybody cheered! Especially Adam.

Ok, I made a funny out of it and all, but seriously.
God took the time to make someone for Adam.
Someone to match him; someone for him and vice versa.

So, if God didn't intend on us isolating ourselves from others, then I wonder who could have come up with the idea.....

Yeah, Satan. The Devil. The guy in the red suit with horns and a pitch fork.
Well, maybe not the ladder, but you get the idea.

Satan wants nothing more than to sabatage every attempt God has made for us to build friendships and genuine relationships with others.

Please, don't let Satan get what he wants.
Please, take the time out to put the stinkin phone away... or put it on silent.
I don't think the ceiling will collapse on you if you put the remote down or put the phone away.
And I seriously doubt that the Earth will fold in on itself if your child doesn't have a cell phone.

Have a meal with your family.
It involves something called cooking.
It's this thing you do with food and pots and pans and a magical device called a STOVE.

Just try it on for size.
Try it one time this week.
Plan it and make a date out of it.

No tv, no cell phone, no computer, no fast food.
Use the stove, real food from a supermarket, cook together and spend time sitting at the dining room table together, talk to one another about goals, dreams, life, each others' day, aspriations, inspirations, etc.

Try it one time in the next month.
Maybe for two hours .. maybe longer, maybe shorter depending on what you cook.
I bet you will see some wonderful changes; in yourself and those around you.
It won't take long.

Disclaimer: I am just thinking out loud here and am not repsonsible for any actions you take as a result of reading this on-line journal. It is an on-line journal not an advice column.

Approachable

2008-05-08T14:05:00.008-04:00

Have you ever had a neighborhood dog? He's fenced in and you feel safe; you walk toward the house and from out of no where, the dog starts coming at you, full speed ahead and barking up a storm.
Your praying the fence will hold and that it won't jump over the fence and attack you.
... and then you check your pants?

I have a neighborhood dog like that. His name's Buddy.
We've already been introduced.
Once he gets to the fence, he realizes it's me.
If I want to play with him, all I have to do is say, "Where's that kitty-cat?"
And guess what?
He's found a way out of the fence and charges into our yarrd, searching for my cat.
Poor Trouble, if she only knew.

He's fun to play with.
And I am hoping the day my neighbors give him up, we'll be considered for adoption.

Now that's just a funny tail (pun intended) of me and my neighborhood companion.
But what if, in your case, it's not so safe?
What if in your case, it isn't a dog you're concerned about charging at you?
What if it's a neighbor or a friend?
What if it's a relative, spouse, or in-law?
Yikes.
Now what do you do?

If you run, the dog will chase you.
If you run from your attacker, the same might happen.
You may only empower them and give them a greater advantage.

It's only natural to fear what man will do to you.
However, upon a recent experience and some wisdom imparted to me by a friend, fear of man is absurd. The Bible says, "The fear of man will prove to be a snare, but those who trust in the Lord will be kept safe." Proverbs 29:25
It also says this, "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free. The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies." Psalms 188:5-7

I keep these scriptures on my wall above my computer, where I've been spending a lot of my time lately. Thank you Dr. Shyers and Dr. Wilcox. Thanks.
No really, thanks.

So, what's the big deal about approaching someone?
The big deal is many big deals, actually.
What if they have hurt you in the past?
What if they have shown themselves to be untrustworthy?
What if they are double-minded?
What if they are .... blah blah.

That's a lot to consider. I can empathize with those concerns.
But what happened to trust in the Lord?
Well, I think fear can overwhelm us at times.
In our fear, biologically, we either run or freeze.

Approaching people who have harmed us is something we, as Christians have been called to do. It is expected of us. In Matthew, I believe, chapter 13, Jesus tells us that if we are about to bring our supplications to God and we suddenly remember that someone has offended us, we are to go, run don't walk, go to that person and present your concerns.
If that person refuses to listen to you, you then go, to another person who can mediate the situation. A mediator is one who will not take sides, they just listen to both sides and prevent any brawls or cat fights. If the person refuses to listen to your concerns at that point, Jesus tells us to treat them as a pagen, an unbeliever, a non-Christian.

I don't know about you, but I don't like those situations.
I mean, come on! Can't there be an easier way?
Can't we all just get along here?
Um, no.

There is no easy way to deal with people who have caused you problems, or made your life uncomfortable. But if you don't do it, it will consume you and quite possibly will hinder your own personal prayers and supplications you bring to the Lord. No joke.

Present your issue to the Lord.
He knows what you are dealing with.
He knows what this other person has done to you.
He is waiting for you to do something about it.
He knows it won't be easy; confrontations never are.
You may lose that person as a friend; if they were one to begin with.
You may hurt or cause the other person to hurt; hurt is ok.
It is healthy to have pain. Healthy pain.
Pain can cause us to make better choices next time.
The pain you may cause this person in an effort to bring your concerns may, in fact help them to make better choices next time; with someone else.
And if you don't do it, you are doing a disservice to that person, to the Lord and to yourself.

Aim high. You can always take someone with you if you don't feel comfortable, the Lord said you can. Just don't take someone who you know will take sides.

Trust God. He loves both of you.
He wants what's best for both of you.

So, what are you waiting for?
Trust God has your best interests at heart.
Ya never know, maybe one day you can stand in front of that dog and say "Where's that Kitty cat?" and make a new friend; an even better friend than you once thought. And maybe not.
What's meant to be, will be.

Disclaimer: I am just thinking out loud here and am not repsonsible for any actions you take as a result of reading this on-line journal. It is an on-line journal not an advice column.

La la la la

2008-05-07T12:44:00.004-04:00

It's funny, I really can't think of anything inspirational to write about today.
I went to breakfast at Morning Glories with a group of totally terrific women!
The food is like so good there.
And now I have a new Bff named Haden. He's adorable.
His mom and his aunt are like totally cool friends.

Anyway.
I'm like totally stuffed and ready for a nap.
My little girl is sick today and totally burning up.
She says she's fine.
I love her, she could be dying and she's say she's fine.

So she's resting and my son and I are watching Scooby Doo and Tom & Jerry (my bff's) on Cartoon Network.
Although, I'm supposed to be reading and working on Ethics shh!... and trying to write a paper.
It's a good thing I'm a multi-multi tasker.

It does occur to me that sometimes, as women, we have a tendancy to be very judgemental and superficial. I see it in myself and it makes me wanna barf.
At this breakfast, I was pleasantly surprised to be surrounded by grace and love and acceptance for who I was. I laughed and really enjoyed the fellowship.

Part of me is sad; however, because I know so many women who try too hard.
Seriously. It's like they are desperate to be friends with someone that they nearly go out of their way to prove it. I think if you just be yourself, people will automatically want to be your friends because you are being sincere and genuine.

Sadly, I've seen just the opposite as of late; and in my past.
And not just with others, but with me. I think that's how I am able to notice it so much (because it's something I used to do all the time). I would go out of my way to please, make someone happy, do things their way, do things for them; all in an effort for them to notice me and gain their friendship.

The sad part about it all is this: they would be friendly with me and appreciate all I did for them, but they never became my friend. My motives were not pure, they were of a selfish manner and genuin friendship was to no avail. God will not bless impure motives. He examines our hearts and wants to see purity and genuine love for others, not self seeking motives.

I hope that what others see in me is taken for what it is; genuine.
My personality is wound up with helping others; my strengths are wound up in helping others.
If I am not doing that, then I am wasting and frankly abusing the talents God has given me.
I would be burrying them; what a waste. I would also not be someone God created me to be.

My prayer is that you would use the talents and gifts God has given you and stop wishing you could be like others; stop being jealous of what others have, jealous of what others can do, jealous of how others can do what they do. Do yourself and others a favor and stop being someone else; just be yourself.

Please and love God and in that you will please and love others. It's natural. It's what God intented; he didn't intend you to perform, he intended you to be who you are; not who others think you should be or who you think you should be. Be who God created you to be and others will see God in you and love you for you ... and want to know more about you.

Be true to who God intended you to be.

Moving on ...

2008-05-04T11:47:00.004-04:00

So like today, my Pastor talked about One Prayer; which you need to check out.
So anyway, I love the stories he tells.
This one I had been fortunate enough to hear it before, and it gets better each time I hear it.

My pastor is an evangelist by nature. He's good at it.
He was involved in a group effort (more than 200 people, I think) trying to bring people into the Kingdom on Heaven. I know that phrase sounds so corny, but it's basically talking to individuals about beginning a relationship with Jesus.

However, every group my pastor was in returned with absolutely zero stories about people beginning a relationship with Jesus. Three seperate occasions and nothing. How annoying, fristrating and disheartening. I'd be a little miffed myself; or maybe think about a career change.

Anyway, my pastor went on to say that he went to bed and his wife, Angie stayed awake to pray for him. The next day she told him what God had laid on her heart to share with him about why his efforts were showing no fruit.

Angie shared with him that although Byron had a passion for bringing people into a relationship with Jesus, he did not love them. He was good at evangalizing people; not good at seeing them as people who just needed to be shown a little love.
and thank God she shared that with him, because it burned a desire in him to grow a hear to love others and eventually to begin and church which does just that! C3 baby! Check it out!

Wow.

Ya know, God sent Jesus, his only son, to this world because he loved us and wants to have a relationship with us. Jesus died a painful death, God, the father watched; allowed it to happen; allowed others to mock and spit and kill his only son; that's how much he wants to be with us.

Sounds rather morbid, don't ya think; but really it is the greatest love of all. Jesus sacrificed himself and died. He volunteered.

Why don't I love that much?
Heck, I can't even stand to be in the same room with some people because of the past injuries I have endured. Yet, I say I love them.

Yeah right. How is that communicating love?
It isn't.
It's commnicating a contingency plan.
If they do things my way, I will love them.
That's also called BS.

I can't say I love someone if I can't even stand to be near them.
It's a matter of handing it over to God, trusting him fisrt.
After all, did he not have his son die in order to reconcile a broken relationship.
Yes, he did.
So, why would he not want to reconcile my relationships?
I don't have an answer for that.
All I can say is that it is something I have to trust God about.
Sometimes I want it to fix it right away and I am not patient enough.
Sometimes, when I takes to long, I take the initiative; and other times, when he doesn't answer me, I just continue with the same behavior. And still again I sometimes don't want an answer, because I am afraid of what that answere might be.

Love is a choice; it is not a feeling, it is not an emotion.
It is an active choice.

Love (I Corinthians 13)
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Get De-bugged ... or An Enema ... Something!

2008-05-02T13:29:00.009-04:00

Some people need to get the bugs out of their - - - !
Unbelieveable.

Either that or get an enema! A huge one ... or a colin cleanse ....
Something!

It astonishes me, in the Christian community how incredibly anal, uptight and witchy some people are. Women in particular. No wonder I have more male friends!
I mean, chillax, take it easy ... you're gonna pass out if you don't do something!
See a shrink! I know of a few good ones.

It's like this, you don't hear what they say. You ask them to repeat it and they give you a piss off look. Heellllloooooo?!

Or, or ... you are having a conversation with someone and they invite themselves in on it and then get miffed when you change the subject and don't tell them what you were talking about ... It's like this ... It's an A-B conversation, kindly C yourself out of it.
What ever happened to MANNERS!

Hello!?
If something is private, it's private ... I nor the person speaking with me have to share the details with you. Cry a river. Build a bridge... and get over it!

Act your age ... not your shoe size, which for most of you it's like a 7, 9 maybe even a 5 or 6!
Grow up! And some of you ladies, are leaders! You should know better than to be so stinkin' rude. Especially to the people you call F-r-i-e-n-d!

Which reminds me, again, I don't have to be your friend. I will be nice and friendly and cordial to you, but I don't have to be your friend. You have the same luxury; it's called free will!
Choices; BOUDARIES!
Make some of your own!
And even if you don't call me friend, fine. But, be nice. Just because you don't want to be my friend doesn't mean you suddenly gain the right to be disrepectful.

I know, I'm venting.
You're probably like, ... wHoA, Jess, calm down. It's ok.
But ya know what, it's not!
I'm sick of up-itty people who think they are entitled to involve themselves in something that is none of their bees-wax! And then, and then, get mad at me for it.
Dude, I don't owe you an apology.
I, personally feel guilty for getting involved with other people's conversations, whether they invite me in or not. I tend to leave the conversation thinking, I should have just minded my own; and then I do just that.
Have you ever heard the phrase "Mindya!" It's short for "mind ya own business".

Or, or, they don't give room for anyone else to make mistakes, misunderstand, or be misunderstood; BUT, now get this - when they are misunderstood, not clear, make a mistake or something and you call them on it; Oh, my .... watch out... who let the dogs out, yo! Or should I say, who pulled the cat's tail!
The daggers in their eyes.
Man, I'd be dead like TEN times over already!

Then, you get an apology.
And they say their working on it ... to please continue to pray for them (gotta love that part), and continue calling them on it!
Uh, let me think about that last one ... uh .. uh .. no thanks, once bitten, twice shy babe! Sorry. Been there done that!
That's why I have what's called boundaries!

I'm like, gonna still pray for you and all, but please ..
For the love of all things good and great take the bug out-cher butt!!

And I'm not saying that I'm perfect or that others may think the same of me at times, but I have seen these individual constantly behave in this manner. Which is something I am getting pretty tired of witnessing.

And btw, when you are called on something; do the right thing.
Take responsibility for it, apologize and then FIX IT!
Don't just give lip service to the one you just verbally assulted, killed with your glance or shot down with your "under your breath smack talk".

I'm sure I'm not the only one getting annoyed by it.
And I can tell you this - You are choosing your friends by your actions whether you like it or not.

And another thing! I'm no here on this planet to win a popularity contest.
I am here to serve others. That includes you, by the by!
I'm still serving you even though you can be real tight wad, up-itty person.

Do some de-bugging, ok.
That's all.

Thanks for letting me vent.
I do love you. I care deeply for you.
But just at a safe distance for now.
A real safe distance.
For now. It's up to you.

Dude, Dreams Are Weird

2008-04-30T07:53:00.003-04:00

Man, I had this dream last night where this reformed drug dealer became a pastor; began a church for drug dealers and the like and was coming to me for counseling.

I think I watch The Sopranos too much ...
Or maybe the Psychopathology class I took last night has gotten to me already.

So this pastor is coming to me for counseling.
He's wanting to have this Christmas something or other at his church, but he doesn't know how to put it on. (It's a dream, so I can't remember the specifics)

So we are standing outside his church by a tree.
He's telling me how he wants to leave the ministry.
But the place is packed with drug dealers, hookers, homeless, and the like.
As we're talking this guy comes over to us and starts thanking him for all the work he has done in the church and if it wasn't for him, he would be dead.

I woke up. Sorry.
And I know I could have gone back to sleep and finish the dream, but I have never been able to do that; I have tried, but I just can't do it.

I'm not much of a dream interpretor, but if I had to guess, I'd say my brain put together a very interesting scenerio. Very interesting.

Almost everything in the dream is something I have thought about.
I've thought about renting a bus and driving down OBT to pick up people for church service.
I know it sounds silly, but everytime I drive past the Parlement House, or anywhere down OBT past Rio Grande, I just can't help but want to do something ... I just don't know exaclty what yet... or how for that matter.

There's this place on OBT towards Apopka, where you can rent buses. It's just past this statue place. ... But how I would actually get them on the bus and to C3 is another story.

It's a dream ... it's far off in the distance, but it's there.
How it began....
I've never told anyone this. So here it is. My secret dream.
(not a secret anymore, I guess)

One time, I remember this girl who came to my man's shop.
She was really a he, but I didn't care.
Her name was Starling. My heart broke for her.
She was crying and wanted to go home; which was somewhere about an hour away.
She asked me if she could use my phone to call someone ... and told them that she wanted to come home ... and asked me at the same time if I would take her ... I said yes.
But then, I was getting alittle skeptical and asked if I could talk to her friend.
I didn't want to be a missing person report on the local news, if you know what I mean.

Her friend said he was a great guy and wouldn't hurt a fly.
I asked if she would be there to pick him up when I brought him home, she said yes.

When I started to drive Starling home, she wanted to stop at the hotel to pick up her stuff.
She got out ... talked to the manager ... came back to my car ... cried some more ... and in that moment changed her mind. She thanked me. And I asked her if she was sure she wanted to stay.
She said no and left.
I never saw her again.
I cried deeply after I drove away.
Contemplating whether or not to go back.
And every time I pass this hotel, I pray for her.
I pray to one day see her again.
I pray for others like her.
I pray for a way to help them.... to see them.

How do you convince someone you barely know to go home, make amends?
How do you convince yourself and this stranger that the person on the receiving end (in this case, her mother) will accept them back with open arms?
I don't know these answers, but I do know living like Jesus and showing them that we accept them as they are is a start. At least this stranger knew someone loved her for who she was in that moment.

While in my car she cried, laughed, swore, cried some more.
Her story is so similar to all of us.
She was abused, unloved and hurt by those closest to her.
She was unaccepted for who she was.
Her mother abandonded her at her greatest moment of need.

Her pain was great.
Her pain was real.
Her pain was deep.

Her pain was the same as any one's pain.
The pain of rejection, unacceptance; it's the same for all of us.
No matter who you are; gay, lesbian, straight, bi, homophobe, skeptic, critic, homeless, vegabond, transvestite, pastor, teacher, student, black, yellow, red or white
... mother father sister brother friend ...
The pain is the same.

The pain is the same.
So, some day, God knows, maybe ministering to the vegabonds of OBT is where I'll be.
My counseling office ... a big yellow bus.
My boss ... Christ.
My pay ... treasures in heaven.

God's Timing ...

2008-04-29T06:59:00.003-04:00

Just right ... sometimes I feel like God doesn't care, then I feel like he is stalking me (in a good, weird kind-a way), then I feel like he's my best friend ...

My Pastor has just started this sermon series about Fear called Phobia. Now everybody knows my fear of failure ... since I like things just so and stuff ... maybe even a bit perfect ... in myself anyway ...

I digress. So, this morning, my devotion from Boyd Baileywas about ...

Fear. So I thought ... what better place to post it than here.

Thoughts from daily Bible reading for today- April 29, 2008
Overcome By Fear…
“Then all the people of the region of the Gerasenes asked Jesus to leave them, because they were overcome with fear. So he got into the boat and left.” Luke 8:37

Fear drives out faith and overwhelming fear withdraws its invitation to Jesus. Indeed, Jesus is a gentleman, so He does not tarry where He is not trusted. He will not remain where He is not wanted, and He does not negotiate to be needed. Indeed, faith in your heavenly Father reaches exhaustion in the face of overwhelming fear.

This is especially true when your chronic fear relates to money. Money, more than anything, can make you myopic to faith in God. You get so consumed in the crisis of current affairs that you forget your anchor in Almighty God. Money, or the lack of it, may be what’s killing you. However, money is a symptom to something else below the surface of your fears. Money is not the answer. However, Jesus is the dependable security you desire.

Do not dismiss prayer and patience, just because you feel out of control. Indeed, it is when the bottom falls out that faith in the Lord needs to be your mainstay. “Be still and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10). This is when you need Him the most, so be wise and ask Jesus, the gentleman, to remain with you when ‘all hell breaks loose’. Satan loves to see you alone. He wants you to battle Him in your own strength. He wins when Jesus is run off and fear drives you into irrational actions.

Fear keeps you under the curse of always looking over your shoulder in doubt, so rise up from under the load of your languishing condition and come to Christ. Look to Christ for perspective and patience. Don’t panic. Ostracize your overwhelming fear by faith. Place it on the stubborn shelf of self-denial and surrender to your Savior. Do not run Him off, for He will only stay where He is wanted. Go deeper with Jesus during desperate days. He is a gentleman waiting for your invitation to stay and not go away. When fear attacks, be overcome by Christ’s confidence and warm embrace. Say with David, “The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?” (Psalm 27: 1).

Furthermore, be real with those around you. Some of them have gone before you; learn from them. Trust them as a resource for fear is flattened by the faith of friends. Trust them and Him. Fear flees in the face of faithfulness, so escort out the fear of failure. Above all else, be overcome by faith’s reassurance and not fear of financial loss!

Have a great day fellow readers.

Have you ever ...

2008-04-25T19:16:00.002-04:00

Have you ever ....

thought you were living someone elses life?

woke up from a dream and thought it was real?

fell out of bed and stayed there?

had a better night's sleep on the couch?

felt guilty for no apparent reason? (all you pms-ing and end of cycle people excluded)

thought God was playing tricks on you .. like the movie Game?

had an itch you couldn't scratch ... like in your bones?

had a headache in your cheek?

thought pimples were for teens only?

wanted to run away? ... (teenagers excluded ... sorry)

laughed for no reason at all and have people look at you funny?

been in an elevator and gotten off on the wrong floor?

mailed a letter with those cancer awareness stickers instead of a stamp?

send a check to the wrong place and mailed it ... ?

gotten a phone call from the loan offices wondering where your payment is?

made farting noises in church?

Ok good. Cause like, I was just wondering if ...
..... I was just wondering if I was the only one.
Although, I haven't made farting noises in church .... yet .....

I Don't Normally ....

2008-04-24T08:12:00.002-04:00

You have got to see this.
I have been trying to down load the video and this darn thing is giving me a hard time.
So, go to You tube and type in WWE Hillary vs Barack and watch the video.

I'm seriously considering moving to wordpress ...

King Solomon Part I

2008-04-22T15:52:00.004-04:00

So like I'm trying to write this paper on King Solomon as it relates to the stages of human development... and like wow. His life is full of developmental stages.

Songs of Songs. Ya know, I have still yet to read the book and fully understand the mushiness of it all. How in love he was. How incredibly patient.

Proverbs, well that's a book of knowledge in and of itself. It can be quite overwhelming if you sit and read it all at once. I bought the book The Richest Man Who Ever Lived and it has helped me digest the proverbs.

Ecclesiastes. Can I just say it is a bummer of a book. Great wisdom, but rather depressing at times. This is when Solomon has to take a hard look at his life apart of God ... despair. He realizes there is no good without God.

All the women, all the wealth, all the knowledge ... but without God, it is meaningless. Life is meaningless. His life reminds me of some wealthy people. They chase after wealth only to end up in despair ... and wish they were dead. How sad.

Thank God Solomon realized it before it was too late. ... or was it? That I'll have to write more about later.

Have a great Tuesday! TTFN

I Finally Wrote ...

2008-04-21T19:37:00.005-04:00

Sorry, I know it's been a few days since I last wrote.
I was working on a few projects that are due this week for my classes.
I am usually not a last minute person, but my son had rehearsal every day this past week for his production of the Aristocats, which was amazing by the way, so I was busy driving back and forth and back and forth ... and back and forth ....

and back and forth.

Ok, I'll stop now.

Well, my son did a fabulous job as a country dog in the Aristocats. I don't have the pics downloaded onto the computer as of yet, but as soon as I do, I will display them proudly.

It is so great to work so hard for something and then finally see the results of it.
My son says that he likes to be in the play, but there is one thing he doesn't like ... He can't see it at the same time. Ha ha. He makes me laugh sometimes with the things he says.
But really, he's right. We spent time working hard at something that other people watch and lavish in, but we can't see it.

It's kind a like that with God.
He sees the big picture.
We are a small part in it and we won't be able to see the big picture until it is over.

I agree with my son in that I like being a part of it all, but I think sometimes, I'd much rather see it all played out than be a part of it; or both.

C3 was great this past Sunday!
My Pastor is really funny.
He finished up a sermon series called Big & Rich.
And with that opened an invitation to a financial class.
This class is on a Saturday for about two hours.
You can go to the church web site and check it out!

This week is going to be great!
I hope yours started out well today.

Keep in mind that all the Mondays you hate from now until the day you die can add up to years of hating your life. So, don't be a hater!
God made each day a blessing to behold somewhere in there ... just look for it ... I promise you'll find it!

Everyone Wants to Be a Cat!

2008-04-19T09:47:00.003-04:00

You absolutely must come to Metro Church in Winter Springs today at 2pm to watch my son as a country dog in the production of The Aristocats.

It is so cute and funny and adorable.

The kids in Circle Christian School's drama productions never cease to surprise me.

The cast is, get this now... the cast is made up of Kindergarten through fifth grade students.

.... and two sixth graders.

Can you believe that?
The cost is 10 dollars but it is so worth it!

Metro Church

1491 E State Road 434

Winter Springs, 32708

Metro Church is located off 417, exit number 44 (434) - the exit right after Red Bug Lake road where Target and the Master's Academy is located.

Turn left onto 434, turn left at the second traffic light where the Hess gas station is.

The church is your first left in a plaza ... chinese food, a pet grooming place, a laundry mat

Be there or be square.

The play begins at 2 o'clock and will be over no later than 3 o'clock.

You'll love it ...

People Watching

2008-04-18T09:50:00.002-04:00

Have you ever taken the time to just watch people?
Not in a creepy, stalking sort of way ... gross.
But just watch them?
It's interesting.

I've been listening to this book by John Maxwell called the 360 degree leader.
I have been watching lately and some things I see are scary, others are cool, interesting and yet some are painful.

Most of us would think that a leader is confidant, doesn't admit their weakeness, are on the top, in the know, and so on. Did you know that there are many good leaders, great leaders in fact, that admit their faults, ask others to identify their weaknesses, aren't afraid of their weaknesses, and aren't afraid of others pointing them out? Did you know they welcome change, new ideas and are not upset when their ideas aren't talked about? Why? Well, because it's not the leader who wins, it's the best idea who wins. If the idea is great, then the whole team will be great; including the leader.

Did you know that good leaders are humble not prideful? They are willing to take the back seat to others; give the glory to others. They are willing to make sacrifices for the greater good of the team. Did you know that good leaders listen? Yes, they listen. They will actually take into account what others say to them; whether it's for improvement of themselves or others or the team. Did you know that good leaders will seek counsel from others often in order to make improvements?

Some people I have been watching lately would make terrific leaders one day and I would count it an honor to be led by them. Others, well. Let's just say, "Hail Hitler" comes to mind. Not exactly leader material; at least not a good leader.

I have had to ask myself some tough questions lately.
Do I listen?
Really listen ... not do the dishes at the same time, watch tv, or type; not read something and say yeah ... yeah ... yeah ... while they talk; not find something on the internet and have an eyebrow raised while they talk.
I've always taught my kids "Looking is listening", yet, do I do that?
Do I care about the person speaking to me?
Do I have something against them?
Do I respect them?
Do they respect me?
Have I gained influence?
Have I lost it? How? Can I gain it back? How?
Am I harboring ill feelings toward them?
What are my weaknesses?
What are my stengths?
Am I working in my stengths or my weaknesses?
What is the big picture?
Can I see it? Can they?
Am I being narrow minded?
Am I being prideful or humble?
What does my body langauge say?
If my eyes (or eyebrows for that matter) could talk, what would they say? ....

Lots of questions to keep in mind ... as I watch and learn.
Have a great day ... and lead on.

Please Pray

2008-04-16T08:19:00.004-04:00

I ask for your continued prayers for a young boy named Kael.
You can read more about his condition by going to Kayleigh's blog; it's her cousin.
She also has a video you can watch about the condition as the cameras shadow another family with the same condition.
God is bigger than this; he is bigger than Kael; therefore, pray that he would show up BIG in the lives of Kael and his family.
Thanks

Mighty To Save

2008-04-14T08:27:00.002-04:00

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17

There have been times in my life where people have spread some pretty gross things about me.
It happens.
It sucks.
It hurts.

Some of the things said about me were things I didn't even know I did; things, I wasn't even there to do. Some things I was even paid for. I haven't seen this money ...
Some things I could have been in movies ... and some things said were actually scences from movies ...

It stressed me to the point of severe migraines, rashes, even shingles. Yes, shingles. It's a derivative of the chicken pox; stemming from the nervous system and triggered by the immune system; which is triggered by some forms of stress.

I was in physical and emotional pain frequently.
In hind sight, I know the Lord was calling me back to him through all this pain.

During it, I wish, now I had had the Lord by my side.
During it, I wish I had had the courage to tell those people to stuff it.
I wish I had the nerve to confront them and ask them why.
I wish I had the stamina to show them the scars and the pain.

I didn't; but it's ok.
The Lord knows what was true and what wasn't.
The Lord knows the pain I endured; even though I wasn't living the life of a believer, I still belonged to him.

Now, in hindsight, I feel sorry for those who spoke ill of me.
I pitty them and ask God to show them mercy; they didn't know any better.
Well, maybe some of them did, but we're talking about in-bred, country folk red necks here, so .... I'm really not sure .... no offense. Real Jeff Foxworthy material; if ya know what I mean.

So, why did it effect me so much?
Because it involved what I loved.
What I loved to do.
What I thought I could do for the rest of my life.

Because of that pain, I have given up those dreams.
But I have not given up on God.

I am glad I went through that pain.
It caused me to focus on the Lord and not on others.
It forced me to see him for who he was and not look for ways to pay back those who injured me.
The Lord knew what he was doing and he loved me, even though it didn't feel like it at the time.

I feel sorry for those who betrayed me with their false freindship, lies, slander and loose lip gossip. I have pitty toward them now and I ask God to show mercy on them, as he did me.

Lord God, Guard the mouths of those who spread slander and gossip about the ones whom you love. Protect the ones whom you have called to spread your truth.
You are mighty to save, Lord. Mighty to save.

What I Learn From Tom & Jerry

2008-04-11T09:24:00.012-04:00

Even your worst enemy can be your best friend.
When you failed at something, keep trying.
When you get hurt scream as loud as you can ... oooh ooooooh oooooooh oo oooho oohoho ooooo
When you cut yourself, or someone cuts you, just tie it back on or tape it back together again.
When someone is sleeping... tiptoe quietly around them.
.... and take their lunch
When attempting to harm someone out of revenge ... always check behind you.
Sometimes your basic instincts are better than an instruction manual two times your size.
When developing a plan to catch something, draw a huge complecated scamata first; complete with an animated chalk person.
If you smell something burning ... check your tail.
Even the smallest of creatures can out wit the best of us.
Only you can decide who your enemies are; not society or what the norm says.
When you're hungry, eat; when you're tired, sleep.
Working together and sharing are the best ingredients for friendship.
Some people in our lives will be big, mean bulldogs; but don't worry, they'll make a jackass out of themselves soon enough.
Don't ask someone to do something for you that you can do yourself.
Being lazy could just get you fired from your job; just ask Tom.
Castor oil comes when you least expect it.

and the biggest one of all ....
Love your enemy as yourself.

Just Thinking Out loud

2008-04-10T09:39:00.005-04:00

So like this morning I was good and worked out .. yeah me (clapping my hands in front of me like London Tipton on Suite Life). Then I showered, cleaned the shower, did my hair, got dressed, and all the while listening to the Today show; which I don't normally do.

Now I am sitting at my computer trying to get myself involved with a paper that I will turn in later today for my Human Development class regarding the development of sexual predators.

Ironically, the Today show reported an alarming story regarding sexual predators in nursing homes. Odd. I think it was in Oklahoma, where an elderly woman was raped by an elderly man who resided in the nursing home.

Did you know that only three states require background checks of their residents?
Did you also know that most people think that the older a sexual predator gets the less dangerous they are to society.

The man was like eighty something.
My grandparents still get it on and they are both eighty something.
So what makes you think that just because a person is elderly and possible demented that they don't still have a sex drive or a certain pathology?

The old man had over ten priors in his past.
He was found wondering the streets and put into the nursing home because he was in danger.
The judge said he was not a threat to society any longer.

Oh yeah?
I don't think this elderly woman's family would have put their mother in that home if they had known a sexual predator was residing there.

Only recently have people began to recognize the importance of protecting the elderly from these predators. Some are thinking of putting all the elderly predators together in a nursing home designed for them. My question is this: They are still predators. What will keep them from trying to assult each other? Shouldn't there be confinement?

So, my advice to you is this: Hire a nurse and have your elderly parents or grandparents stay wtih you. At least the nurse has to have a background check before you hire her. It will cost you relatively the same to have a home health aid come to your home everyday as it would putting them into a nursing home. It may save you money and heart ache later.

Pray for God's protection over our elderly in America.

Take God at His Word.... Please.

2008-04-09T08:06:00.007-04:00

Why is it that some Christ followers believe only what they want to believe in God's word?
Like, for instance, they believe God created the Earth and the star, the moon, the sun and man.
They believe the old stories of the Bible; like the story of Moses, Elisha and Elija, King David, King Solomon, King Saul, Daniel and many more. However, they don't believe certain things that God says.

The Bible not only teaches us the history of the past, but through that history, the Bible teaches us about who God is. And one thing he is not: A liar.

So why don't we believe him when he says that vengance belongs to him. He will take revenge upon those who have harmed his beloved. Why do some Christ followers seem to believe they can take it upon themselves to do the work of the Lord; revenge and spitefulness. It doesn't make sence to me.

God calls certain people his anointed ones. Those he has chosen; like kings and priests and even preachers of today. So your preacher or priest or whatever you call him (the man of the cloth) is God's anointed one.

Below is a story from the books of I and II Samuel about David and King Saul. I tool some snit-bits out. Read carefully how David understood the meaning of God's anointed and his actions. Even though his life was in danger; even though he was hated; even though others thought he had the right to take a life.

I Sam 24:3-10; 26:7-13; 26:21-25 and II Sam 1:13-16
At the place where the road passes some sheepfolds, Saul went into a cave to relieve himself. But as it happened, David and his men were hiding in that very cave!
"Now's your opportunity!" David's men whispered to him. "Today is the day the Lord was talking about when he said, `I will certainly put Saul into your power, to do with as you wish.' " Then David crept forward and cut off a piece of Saul's robe. But then David's conscience began bothering him because he had cut Saul's robe.
"The Lord knows I shouldn't have done it," he said to his men. "It is a serious thing to attack the Lord's anointed one, for the Lord himself has chosen him."

So David sharply rebuked his men and did not let them kill Saul. After Saul had left the cave and gone on his way, David came out and shouted after him, "My lord the king!" And when Saul looked around, David bowed low before him. Then he shouted to Saul, "Why do you listen to the people who say I am trying to harm you? This very day you can see with your own eyes it isn't true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave, and some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, `I will never harm him-he is the Lord's anointed one.'

So David and Abishai went right into Saul's camp and found him asleep, with his spear stuck in the ground beside his head. Abner and the warriors were lying asleep around him. "God has surely handed your enemy over to you this time!" Abishai whispered to David. "Let me thrust that spear through him. I'll pin him to the ground, and I won't need to strike twice!" "No!" David said. "Don't kill him. For who can remain innocent after attacking the Lord's anointed one? Surely the Lord will strike Saul down someday, or he will die in battle or of old age. But the Lord forbid that I should kill the one he has anointed! But I'll tell you what-we'll take his spear and his jug of water and then get out of here!" So David took the spear and jug of water that were near Saul's head. Then he and Abishai got away without anyone seeing them or even waking up, because the Lord had put Saul's men into a deep sleep.

Then Saul confessed, "I have sinned. Come back home, my son, and I will no longer try to harm you, for you valued my life today. I have been a fool and very, very wrong." "Here is your spear, O king," David replied. "Let one of your young men come over and get it. The Lord gives his own reward for doing good and for being loyal, and I refused to kill you even when the Lord placed you in my power, for you are the Lord's anointed one. Now may the Lord value my life, even as I have valued yours today. May he rescue me from all my troubles." And Saul said to David, "Blessings on you, my son David. You will do heroic deeds and be a great conqueror." Then David went away, and Saul returned home.

(after Saul was found dead, one of David's men took the credit for Saul's death - read what happens to the guy ... and he didn't even kill Saul, he only found him dead and lied about it)Then David said to the young man who had brought the news, "Where are you from?" And he replied, "I am a foreigner, an Amalekite, who lives in your land." "Were you not afraid to kill the Lord's anointed one?" David asked. Then David said to one of his men, "Kill him!" So the man thrust his sword into the Amalekite and killed him. "You die self-condemned," David said, "for you yourself confessed that you killed the Lord's anointed one."

God doesn't play around.
Those of you who have something to say or do with respect to those around you that God has appointed over you; His anointed one; be careful.
Maybe you don't like what happened in your life.
Maybe you don't think something was fair.
Maybe you don't agree with someone whom God has anointed.
Maybe you have hardened your heart toward certain people.
Maybe you have hatred towards an anointed one because you feel as though you have been wronged.
Maybe someone, according to the gospel of you, has wounded you.
Maybe you believe you have a case and your actions are in some ways justified.

Let me just say this: It ain't your place; it's God's, hand it over; give it up.
However, there is still hope for you.
It's not too late.
Repent for your wrong doing and stop atttacking the anointed ones in your life.
Whether you like the situation you are in or not; there is nothing you can do about it.
Pray to ask God to forgive you for what you have said, what you may have done.
Ask God to forgive you for not trusting him.
Ask God to reveal the truth to you.
Ask God to restore you and take your bitterness and anger away.
Ask God to soften you; tenderize you; take the two by four out of your eye.
Ask God to give you patience to see His will be done; not your own.

Take God's word for what it is; truth.
Take the story of David seriously and trust that God knows what he is doing; even if those he has appointed over you (or had at some point in your life and you are still angry about it) are making your life a living hell, like David.

Please. I can only feel sorry for you when God finally takes action; takes vengance upon you
And he will; no doubt.
Trust God as David trusted God.Please. Take God at his word.

Dream the Dream

2008-04-08T08:48:00.003-04:00

Remember January?
A New Year.
Remember resolutions?
A New Start.

I wonder how it's going?
I didn't make any resolutions this year.
I set goals.

I set a goal for the gym.
Three times a week.
I set a goal for books.
Two a month.
I set a goal for education.
Study every day.
I set a goal with my man.
Date night.
I set a goal with my kids.
Date night.

Can I just say, it's April, the year is nearly half over and I have not kept those goals in sight.
Uuh oh.

Setting goals means I should put them where I can see them.
Make a statement I can read each day to stay focused on them.
Put pictures up to remind me.

The only goal I have kept up with is reading.

So, back to the drawing board.
Back to putting things where I can see them; front and center.
Maybe even clip out a picture of a gorgeous girl in a bikini and paste my face over hers! Ha!

I think our society is so results oriented that we loose focus.
We loose sight of the goal.
We begin to get impatient because we don't see the results as quickly as we would like.

So we become critical and near sighted; we get distracted and lose sight of our goal.

There's a cure.

I remember a rider once told me that they but these blinders on horses during parades and such to keep them focused. They are these black things that are put on either side of the horses eyes; keep them on task; to keep them from getting distracted.
Odd.

I wonder if we could do the same with our goals.
Put these bllinders on in order to keep us focused; so we are not easily distracted by everything around us.

It's not too late.
Don't buy the lie that it's too late.

Learning Responsibility

2008-04-07T14:24:00.006-04:00

So, I had a little mini chat with my daughter this morning.
And for those of you who know me, I don't like idle discipline.
Being grounded is ok, but there needs to be a purpose, an end point, a goal.
It's not about, Mom needs a break from you. Although sometimes ....

So. I have given my Little One some questions to ponder.
I know, I am such a meany; a real stickler on homework.

Anyway. It works for her.
It works for me.
It's something to actually reflect back on when this situation (Oh, God please no) happens again.
It works. It's tangible.

One of the questions is "If God were sitting next to you, what would you say to him? What would he say to you?" I ask this of myself quite often.
I ask this because I want to first see her perspective on what God thinks about her and vice versa. Very important.
Depending on what she says, we will either move forward or back up.

Another question pertains to her thinking. Her thought processes and the root cause of why she thinks what she thinks; which leads to her acting it out.
Deep, I know. She's a smart girl and I know God will reveal it to her.

This then tied into the next question, what actions and steps need to be taken in order to change her thought process and inevitably her actions.
I know. That's a challenging one.

The last one is more or less her confessions. What mixed signals am I sending my family?
That's the one that I am just going to leave for her to read and talk to me about it if she wants to. That's one for her to just be honest and see how her actions are so loud that I can't hear anything she is saying.

So why am I doing this.
Well, I think it is important for her to see that her actions not only have consequences but they have reasons behind them that need to be addressed.
I think we should all do this.
She has to take responsibility for changing this so that it doesn't keep happening.
And if it does, she will at least have a plan of attack.
She has to understand that relationships take time and effort; they are not always fun.

It takes work. And work is not always fun.
I think she is struggling with control and fun.
And we have a lot of fun here. As well as a lot of free time.

I think she is struggling with responsibility. Such a bad word.

The truth is, we all struggle with taking responsibility for things.
We all struggle with relationships.
It's hard work.
We'd like it to be easy and always fun, but I don't think it would be as rewarding.

Why is it that we care more about what God thinks and doing things his way when we are in trouble, or right after we've been exposed? It's because we know we messed up.
Then we apologize and make all sorts of promises and deals that we probably won't live up to.

It all goes back to our motives. The motor that compels us to do what we do. If our motives are selfish, we will do selfish things; even if it looks good to others on the outside. God knows. Nothing is hidden from him. I love that and I hate that. And the truth is, my kids hate that about me.

I just know when they are not being sincere, honest or whatever. If you are a parent, you understand. If not, God will give you this amazing software when you have children of your own.
God has this amazing software. He extends it to us through the holy spirit. That is the strange feeling you get in your stomach when you know you should not have eaten the last piece of chocolate cake. Especially since you already had two pieces.

No really. The holy spirit convicts us. He gently prods us and probes us to do the right thing.
It is up to us whether we are going to tune into it or turn it off.
It takes discipline and humility. It is not easy to put others first when you have royally screwed up. But there is a freedom in that. A restoration that occurs. And somehow, I don't know how, the relationship is some how better. More mature, more understanding, more intune.

I know my little one will be a great employee, an empathic mom, a wonderful wife, a super bff and tons more. Though the steps to achieving this will take time, dedication, determination, patience and lots of hard work, I know she will learn this and attribute it to her life.

You'd Think I'd Know By Now

2008-04-06T14:44:00.001-04:00

Can I just say I hate when my kids are in trouble. I wish I never had to talk to them about anything except the fun stuff. Like finger nail polish and make up; video games and fast cars.

Life, in my house, is the pits when someone gets in trouble. It's a time for reflection. I time for decisions. A time of real, "What the heck was I thinking?" for both the kid in trouble and me.

Now, I don't know about you, but I say some pretty unkind things when I'm pissed off and disappointed. I don't do it all the time, but when I do, I really have to take a step back and refocus. I usually realize it right away and apologize. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a raging baboon. More often than not, I am even tempered and wait for the right time and place to communicate my disappointment and expectations.

However, I blew it with my son yesterday, and he wasn’t the one in trouble.
It couldn't be just one of them ... it had to be both.
He hadn't even done anything wrong. At least nothing that warranted me sending him to bed. I was just so full of emotion that I seemed real on edge. Dinner was horrible; my food tasted like, well... nothing. My daughter chose to pout the whole time because she lost some privileges, causing my son to become real uncomfortable and wondering whether he was next.
This makes me understand why some parents choose not to invite children to the table unless they can come to enjoy everyone there; without sulking. Or they can eat alone; choice is theirs. I should have done that, but I had no idea it was going to be so dramatic.

Anyway ... I won't go into details about what my daughter did, but I will say, it was out of character for those of you who know her. It was totally motivated by self; which I can understand for a teenager. However, I didn't even see it coming.

I trusted her. And some things; there’s just no excuse for.

And better yet, this isn't the first time she has done this. The last several times this has happened, we have talked about it. She made her agreements, I would trust her in this area again and again and then ... well, here we are again.

So ... what to do ... what to do ....
To be honest, I realize I need to set up some distinct do's and don’ts with her regarding certain areas of her life and mine; boundaries.
I also realize, I need to create a more structured environment for her so she knows what is expected of her.
We have this in place; however, she seems to think it's a choice.

Well, it is a choice. She can follow the guidelines or not.
The choice she would like however is to avoid any consequences related to her poor choices.
All of them.
Unless, of course, they are the good consequences.

I just can't seem to help her understand that her choices matter.
Not just to me, but to herself; that she is choosing to injure herself by making such poor choices.

Am I going crazy.....
I mean, how hard is it to make good choices?
Come on!
Good choices usually lead to good things.
If you do the right thing, there will be good consequences.
If you do the wrong thing, there will be bad consequences.
I know I am thinking rather black and white at the moment, but hang on.

My Pastor talked about that today.
Big and Rich!
Doing things God’s way in order to receive his blessings.

I don't understand why my daughter doesn't seem to understand this.
She seriously thinks that the consequences don't matter.
Unless they are the good ones. Those she deserves; those she expects. Those, she can’t wait for and even reminds me of them when I have forgotten to follow through with them.

The bad ones … Well, according to her, she doesn’t think she has those coming.
Hello, operator? What planet am I on? … Hello? … Hello? Is anybody there?

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Hello; therefore, we have consequences. I mean even physics and math and biology have consequences.
Let go of a ball, it falls. Two plus tow equals four. Have sex, have babies.
Quite simple. At least I think so anyway.

I just don't get it.
Am I nuts?
I keep try to model it for her.
I encourage her.
I praise her.

I just don't get it.
But here’s what I do get.
There are some things that God does which I don't have to understand.
There are some things that my children do that I don't have to understand.
Here’s what I need to get.
What I need to do is trust that God loves my children more than I ever could.
What I need to do is trust that He has our family's best interests at heart, even when it doesn't feel like it.

So, I apologized to my son for getting upset with him for no reason.
I asked for a big hug; which he gladly gave to me.
I let him stay awake and watch Disney and even sleep upstairs.

I’m working on how to address my daughter without going into a big shpeel.
I've asked my daughter to think about what actions brought her to this place.
And meanwhile, I am praying that she will one day come to understand the importance of her choices and what effect they have. … and not just how they affect her.

Thank you for listening.

The Death of Ants**

2008-04-05T09:41:00.010-04:00

I know the title sounds a little strange but hang in there.
I grew up in a small town in NY called Elmira Heights. I moved to O-town nine years ago.
In NY, we had ants, but no where near the kind of psycho ants in Florida, the kind that eat your house and the kind that attack and bite you.

We had big huge black ants.

When I was small, I think it was my job to kill all of them. I would crush them, step on them and even drown them. Then one day a friend down the street told me to be careful. Ants can carry like a thousand times their own weight and one day (since all ants have families, ya know) they might try to kill me. Since they can climb trees, they could throw rocks at me and try to stone me. They could even become Kamikaze like and hold me under water and drown me.

Scared the life out of me. I never tried to kill an ant again.

Until I moved to Florida.

The point of this story is this: I was right. I had the right idea about ants all along; killem all.
According to Daniel Amen, author of Change Your Brain Change Your Life, he says ANTS are Automatic Negative Thoughts that need to be destroyed.

Ya see, I knew I was justified in killing them.
Here's why..
Your memory and negative thoughts and experiences are stored in your deep limbic system. It's there, don't worry. Its' in the middle part of your brain, very small, but very significant. When your deep limbic system is way way active, your mind is set on negative. If you doubt this, think about when all of the sudden (ladies*) you cry over nothing; or you are irritated, you start regretting something you did way back when (and really no one cares about it but you), you feel anxious about the future, you are critical, and you complain. *this isn't directed to all the ladies, no chillax all you men reading this.

Think about the last time you told yourself, I'm going to fail this test; It's going to be an awful day; Why bother. Are you getting it now? You set yourself up for failure. Think about all the times you are on your way home, after leaving your kids alone with your husband for a week. What are you thinking about? What the house looks like, did he take the trash out, are my kids still healthy or did they eat candy and take out for the week? These negative thoughts predispose you to self-fulfilling prophesies. You are expecting bad things to happen and you set yourself up for it to happen.

Another example, you think about no one wanting to be your friend, no one likes you; maybe you even think ill of others. Therefore you alienate others from you, causing you to continue with the negative thoughts and believing them further. Making sense?

Here's more examples, just in case you are saying to yourself, "I don't do that."
You never listen to me.
You're arrogant.
I should have done better.
My children never listen to me.
I feel as though you don't care about me.

In order to repair the damage done to the deep limbic system, you must evaluate your thoughts. Because sometimes your thoughts might not even be telling the truth. Remember when the Bible said, take every thought captive. Well, that's because, like God created your brain and like he knows how it works and he knows what happens when you misinterpret events and what people say and think negatively. Why do you think Paul wrote Philippians 4:8? Whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, of good repute, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things.

Hello. Because ANTS destroy your life. Just like red ants and carpenter ants and the plain old black ants can destroy parts of your life. Like your deck, foundation, picnic, fun in the yard with bare feet ...
You must kill the ANTS in your life.
Dr. Amen says that thoughts are actually things, beings. They actually have physical properties. Picture them as invaders (good or bad). When you think a thought, it effects you physically. Your body releases chemicals after every thought. If your mind is full of negative thoughts, it will effect your deep limbic system and therefore cause irritability, moodiness and even depression. But you can teach yourself to control your thinking. Hence the reason we use polygraph testing. Because our thoughts, good and bad, cause our body to react. Heart beat, sweat, temperature, and breathing.

Key word, teach yourself. No one else can do it for you. Not even God. It is up to you to take the initiative and do it. God can help you, but he commands you to take your thoughts captive. He commands you to think on positive things. If he could do it all for you every time you ask him to, he would not have written it down for us to do it ourselves. He would have said something like this, 'Hey, every time you have a bad thought or you are feeling down, just tell me about it and I will make it all better. I will even replace it for you. You don't have to do or think anything. I got it covered."

God is not a Jeanie in a Bottle. Yes, he will help you. And if you pray to him, he may possibly give you a thought to replace the bad one with; but what if he doesn't. Au ha! It's because it's your job. He wants you to do it. He wants you to learn how to do it for yourself; with his help and encouragement.

Ok, so how?? How do you get rid of these ANTS????
First you have to identify what kind of ant it is so you will know how to destroy it.

ANT #1 Always or Never thinking
Replace always or never will something else.
For example, My children never listen.
My children are not listening to me right now, but they usually do.

ANT #2 Focusing on the bad; the negative
Look for the positive in every situation.
Turn your negative thought into a more positive or neutral thought.
Play the "Glad Game" from the Pollyanna book.

ANT #3 Fortune telling
This is the one where you predict what is going to happen.
For example, People are going to stop coming to this church.
You don't know that. Tell yourself that you do not know the future. If you could predict the future, don't you think you would have won the lottery by now.

ANT #4 Mind reading
This is when you think you know why someone did something or what they are thinking about.
For example, your wife has a downcast face. You think, uh oh, she's PMSing. Better stay away.
You don't know that. You only think you do. You won't know unless you ask them or they tell you. Stop reading other people's minds; they don't need your help, and it's not helping you.

ANT #5 Thinking with your feelings
This is when you feel a certain way and you actually believe the way you feel is accurate. If that were true then every woman who cries for no reason is a bipolar. Not true.
Evaluate your feelings, feelings LIE. What is true about your feeling? What isn't? Then make a decision based on what is true. If there is no reason why you are crying other than hormones, then there's your answer. Go check your calendar, because your are probably due for Aunt Flow.

ANT #6 Guilt Beating
This is where you think things like should, must, ought to, or have to.
Like, I should have done better on that test. or I must spend more time with my kids.
It is better if you change them to fit your goals.
It is in my best interest to perform better on the next test. or I want to spend more time with my kids.

ANT #7 Labeling
You are a ____ (negative word)
Well, that effects you as well.
You calling someone a jerk effects how you interact with the jerk.
Most people aren't going to act in a formal or positive way with a jerk.
Stay away from this.
Think Bambi and his friend Thumper, "If you can't say something nice. Don't say anything at all."

ANT #8 Personalizing
This is when you think the reason someone didn't talk to you, it must have something to do with something you did ... or didn't do.
There are many reasons why people behave the way they do; but don't take it personally.
Someone may not have talked to you because they were focused on where they were going and what they needed to do.

ANT #9 Blaming (poisonous)
For example: It wasn't my fault.... or How was I supposed to know... or That would not have happened if you had just ....
Whenever you blame someone for problems in your own life, you make yourself powerless to do anything about it. Take responsibility for what happened; don't blame.

Train yourself to identify what kind of ANT is interfering with your life, write it down and change it to something more positive; this will kill the ant.

Take it easy.... and don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy
(the eagles - like the best band ever)

**Amen, D.G., MD.: Change Your Brain Change Your Life. (New York: Times Books - Random House, 1998).

Woohoo It's Friday

2008-04-04T11:03:00.006-04:00

Wow! What a beautiful day!
I have already laid out in the sun and read part of a book called Change Your Brain Change Your Life. It's really good. I suggest you get one of your own. The first few chapters are an overview and some history, then by chapter three, he gets in to the guts of the brain and stuff.
It's for one of my classes; although not a requirement, but as most of you know, I will read it if it is suggested that I read it.

If you watch PBS, like some of us do... on April 29th, PBS had a special with the author of this book, Daniel Amen. He is incredable. They have a package deal of CDs and DVDs and books and stuff if you decide to become a donor of PBS ... um, I'll pass. I don't need anymore junk mail.

He is funny and down to earth for a doctor/researcher/psychiatrist.
One story he told was of a male client who was having issues with his wife. She was a crab. A real horses patoody. So, after his evaluation of them, Dr. Amen suggested that he should tell her what he was going to do and then say, "You probably don't want to join me." To which, the crab would say, "What do you mean I don't want to join you. Don't tell me what I want. Of course I want to join you." And then of course, join him.

The guy tried it for a couple of weeks and it actually improved his relationship with his spouse. However, he called Dr. Amen and told him he was concerned about his sex life; since it had been a while. He told Dr. Amen that he didn't think it would sound good if he said to his wife, "I think I am going to go have sex now. You probably don't want to join me."

I know. Lame doctor joke.
I laughed.
And so did many in the PBS audience ... unless it was the stage hand pressing an "applause" button. hmmm.

Anyway, I plan on reading the rest of it this weekend since it is going to be luxurious outside.
I'll probably get more than half way through with it by the end of today. Yeah!

Then I have to at some point watch Ya Ya sister hood something or other for the same class, Human Develpment. Bummer, I know. I get to read good books and watch good movies.
Maybe you should think about joining PBA for your Masters.
But then again, there's a lot of papers, too.

Oh, well. Enjoy the remains of the day!
Hope you get a chance to soak up the sun... maybe even go to the beach.

BTW, be in prayer for a friend of mine whose wife is expected to have her baby anytime now.
It's going to be a boy! Due date April 24th, but she thinks he wants to get out sooner than that.

Take it easy.
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Kid Talk

2008-04-03T13:20:00.006-04:00

I love the ages my kids are at right now.
My son is 10 and my daughter is 13.
The conversations we have are very interesting to say the least.

Like last night, my daughter and I were reading (it's where you get a book, and open it and there's these things called words on the page. You sound them out to make a sentence and so on to make a paragraph. It's a beautiful thing).
She is reading Peter Pan and I, The Richest Man Who Ever Lived. Both of us are not reading for mere pleasure, but for school. I know, I know, it stinks. I would have picked something else ... hey wait, I did pick this book. Darn. Oh well.

Any way. She thought the book would be interesting. She has seen Peter Pan and Disney's Hook. Yeah. Amazing how Disney can take a book and completely change it. That's another blog.

She said she wanted to throw the book she was so frustrated. She has to answer questions for school; she's looking everywhere in the book; can't find it. "Everyone else in class has the same book but me!" (the cover on her book is different from all the others) If that were true ... Uh, that's called copyright infringement ... Illegal. But good one.

She finally found the answer in chapter one; she's on chapter eleven. Hence the reason for wanting to throw the book. I have a few books I have read for school I'd like to throw, rip apart and burn. Uh, yep, you heard me. Burn em. Have a nice bomb fire. My yard's big enough.

So she's trying to explain this book to me. She says she can't figure out who's narrating. The book doesn't make any sence. She can't understand what is going on. I wasn't following her. So she says, "Kinda like I talk, Mom." Then I understood perfectly. She tells me the end without the beginning. Like I was there or something... go figure. She'll tell me something that happened from the endpoint and then stop somewhere in the beginning or close to it. I have to stop her like a billion times to clearify and then she starts over. Oh boy. It takes a long time, but it's worth it.

My son. OH boy! He got himself into a little trouble Tuesday .... yeah, sorry all of you who love Luis. He does get into trouble. I know, I know. It's so sad.

So. He was grounded yesterday and today I left him with a thought, "Who is God and why does he matter?" Ooh. I know, I am so mean.
So I came back to the room a little bit later and he says, "God made everything. He is the king of the world and he loves me." Auw. What a sweety. I asked him if he believed that or is he just giving me the sunday school answer. He believed it.

Then he says, "I wonder if, when God made Adam and Eve and if they never believed the snake and ate the apple, would he still have made us? Would I be here?" Auw. Come on, I know you want to say it, "Aw". Good.

I told him that I think he would have still made us because Adam and Eve's job was to take care of the garden and make babies. There just wouldn't have been any sin, that's all.

He says, "I wonder if Satan would have still been a snake." Well that led us to talk about Satan and God's mercy. He told me the story of the three guys who the King gave them each a bag full of gold and wanted them to invest it. Two of them did, but one burried his bag of gold. So when the king came back and asked him where his gold was, he gave it back to him just as he had given it to him. So, my son says, "the king got really mad and threw him in jail and then the guy said, 'No no! Have mercy on me.' So the king gave him mercy and let him go. And the guy, on his way home, saw this other guy who owed him some money and he had him thrown in jail. And when the king found out, he went and got the guy he gave mercy to and threw him in jail. So, Mom, that's why we should have mercy."

I realize he got his stories a little confused, but it was cute all the same.

I learn so much from them. They teach me something new everyday.
Lucely teaches me what patience looks like and Luis teaches me what mercy looks like.
I love them more than they will ever know. Just like God loves us more than we will ever know.

Mamma Mia

2008-04-02T16:24:00.005-04:00

I know it's a late blog, but .....

Why is it that many woman have babies like crazy and yet don't take care of them?
I have always wanted a child of my own. Not that the two I have been blessed with through my man are not enough, mind you, but I am just bothered by something....

Don't these woman understand that the children suffer because of it. I still can see the residual effects of it from my children's mother and her selfishness and neglect. She is much better now with the two she has with her new husband, but she can't go back and fix the brokenness my daughter feels. She can't go back and fix the emptiness and mistrust my son feels toward every one. Her oldest son that lives with her has issues similar to my son's and I have great pain for him. So many things that were done to him; so many things similar to how she treated my son.

There is this little girl I know. Her mother has placed a huge burden on her. She has been cooking and cleaning and doing the job of a mother for years. She is a teenager now. She is hurting. And to top it all off her own mother only cares about herself.

How can God allow such things to happen? I just don't understand. Children are a gift from God, a blessing. Why can't these mothers see that.

There are so many other women I know that cannot have children. I hurt for them because I know all these other women who treat children as money bags and daddy toys and slaves. It makes me both sad and angry. So sad I want to cry and so mad I want to reach out and touch someone! But then what good would that do.

So... what to do .... what to do....
Well, I think understanding is key.
There is a reason why these women just pop out babies and then take no responsibility for them and expect the babies to take care of them.
I think loving them is important. Because I think a lot of these women have babies in order to have someone to love them back.
I think helping them to understand the concept of unconditional love is important.
That can be done through showing them who Christ is and what he did for us.
That can be hard, because a lot of women know all about God and Jesus and claim to be saved and give you their life story, but aren't necessarily living it.

So ... what to do ... what to do ...
I think being patient is key.
Understanding their point of view.
Perspective is everything.
We don't always see the same thing the same way.

Take a movie for example.
After we watch it together, you may have seen and noticed something I didn't.
If you've watched Vantage Point, you'd definitely notice something that I may not necessarily notice.

Really, I don't know. Because I can't do the job of the Holy Spirit. I can only do the work of the Lord, and that is to Love one another as Christ loved me; even though I was a schmuck.
and I can still be one at times ...

So. So. Be in prayer for me and my fam as I continue to show my children's mother what love looks like. Be with me in prayer as I begin a relationship with this young teenager, in order to build report with her in order to one day counsel her mother and possibly her. Be with me in prayer as my daughter begins to cultivate a friendship with this beautiful girl. Be with me in prayer for all the mothers out there who think children are born to somehow bring them happiness and fulfill their needs.

Thank you.
May the Lord honor your prayers.

Friendship is a Goodship?

2008-04-01T08:07:00.016-04:00

I think I am friendship illiterate. I can't speak the language very well. Every good friend I have had has either turned sour or just disappeared; due to distance or disagreements.

There are the friends when situations get a little uncomfortable; either ones they are in or ones I am in, they bail. They jump off the goodship lollipop. Maybe they bail because they don't like being in the situation. Or maybe they bail because they don't like a friend telling them what needs to be changed. Or maybe they bail because you disagree on a situation and you find no common ground. Or they bail because they find your situation too difficult for them to handle.

I thought the job of a friend was to be there for them in their pain. To carry their pain with them. I thought that's what Jesus taught. If so, I have done that to the point where it has, unknowingly, poisoned and injured me. I have since established some helpful boundaries.

I have been backstabbed, burned, lied about, tred upon, forsaken, and much more. Protecting my goodship, will inevidably protect me. If my ship is well protected, I am well protected. I am safe.

I wonder if I have guarded myself so much that I have lost the language of frienship. The only folks on board are the cast and crew. So sit right back and you'll hear a tail .... A tail of a faithful ship ...
I don't come to shore often. Only for what is needed and then I set sail again. If I stay too long, someone may get on board and rock the boat. Not safe.

So think about it. I'm basically isolating myself to keep myself safe, but at the same time keeping myself away from potential friendships. Good ones. Ones that will care about my goodship as much as I do. Cause that's what real friends do, they help protect your ship with you and vice versa.

I am praying for a friend who shares the same values I do; like character, integrity, honesty, and loyalty. I don't think a true friend is one who says, "Hey, we can talk, but only about what makes me feel comfortable." What's the point? Really? Is that being a friend?

Don't get me wrong. I understand those whom I would like to be friends with will have their own boundaries (and issues). I have had friends whom I have to literally stop from talking and redirect them to the real issue. But I've never stopped them from sharing their pain and just throw stuff out there to make them feel better. That's me caring about my needs, not my friends' needs.

I also understand clingy friends that make you think twice about going out with them. But you do it and you dress up in your suit of armor before you go; praying like a banchee the whole time. And it's these friends who don't think they are clingy.... even when you demontrate it.

I also understand those people who think you ought to be their friend simply because you work together or go to school together. They don't understand your boundaries... maybe because they don't have any. I understand all this. What I'm talking about are the ones who are your friends. The ones you have made your friends.

The book of Proverbs (It's in the Bible right after Psalms) says that a friend sticks closer than a brother. When I used to get in trouble at home, my brother would high tail it to the farm, no joke. Especially if he was involved in what got me in trouble to begin with. My friends would sit with me when I got in trouble and even stay by my side while I cried; that is, if my mom didn't tell them to leave. If she did, they would feel bad for leaving me. What happened to those kind of friends?

I see a friend as a little girl. One who is sitting outside alone when someone down the block comes and sits next to her. She says, "Wanna play?". But the girl is quiet; sad. And this someone just sits with her until she is ready. Where are those type of friends?

I see a friend as a girl. One on the play ground who is getting picked on by many boys and girls while the teachers stand around and gossip. The girl goes over to the one being picked on and walks her out of the situation; risking others picking on her as well. Where are those friends?

I see a friend as someone who sticks with you; even when it is uncomfortable. Someone willing to take the risk of getting hurt. Someone who shares the same values.

If I can't even have a conversation with a friend about how gross I feel about a situation, without them caring more about how they feel than how I feel; then they are not my friend. And I don't want them to be my friend. Something I learned from my pastor a long time ago ... Be friends with everyone, but just don't make everyone your friend.

Those I called friend, I will sit with you when you have gotten in trouble. Those I call friend, I will sit in the stillness of the day until you are ready. Those I call friend, I will be with you when people pick on you. Those I call friend, I will walk you out of the torment and pain, risking the pain myself. Those I call friend, I will endure the discomfort with you until you feel better. Those I call friend may hurt me; however, God is my protector and it is through him that friendships endure.

Moss Park & Randomness

2008-03-31T10:34:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was fun! I wish we could have church at the park all the time. Hey! What a great idea. Pastor Byron, if you are reading this, I think maybe our next campus should be in a park. I can play and listen to the sermon at the same time, promise.

My husband and I walked around. My kids played and played and played. There were people baptized in the lake. It was so awesome. Inside I was ready to explode in excitement and somehow felt like the lady in the progressive commercial who tells everyone over the intercom, "We have a savings of $350" then proceeds to tell the guy what he gets with that. He says, "Wow" unenthusiastically, or perhaps as enthusiastic as a man could be about that. And she goes "Wow, yeah, but I say it louder". The guy just looks at her like she's a fry short of a happy meal.

I felt like saying "WOW", but it's the having people look at me funny that stopped me. Oh well. Next time, maybe. When I was baptized I thought I would come out of my own skin with enthusiasm. Something about it makes me want to scream with joy! But I contained myself, I wonder why?

Anyway. It was great to see people following the example of Christ. It was terrific. God is so great and it reminded me of another truth about blessings. You should have seen how many people were there. Holy cow! The beach front was loaded with people watching the baptisms. The cheering, the clapping, the cameras flashing! What an honor.

Why would we have the growth explosion that we have had in the short amount of time since we have moved to the theatres if it wasn't God's planning ... and timing .... and will. We have only been in the theatres since January. And already we have baptized baby Christians, not just the oops I think I did it wrong the first time people. Plus there have been life changing stories of people who would have never dawned the doors of a church before now. Now, if that ain't God moving and blessing that which was his plan to begin with, I don't know what is. I do know this: People can't move people. But, God can and will move people.

It was great! So you better come next time.
Oh, and get this. My husband, who is very uncomfortable in his own skin around a bunch of people actually swung on the swings with me (and I didn't have to beg). Honey, if that ain't God moving people, I'm Aunt Jamima! There was a time while swinging that he was actually trying to see if he could swing higher than me ... I didn't even know he was competing with me until I saw his face. He competes with me with nearly everything ... down to who's the best cook. It's funny! My kids are the judges. But I think it's not truly a competition, because I can't cook what he cooks and he can't cook what I cook ... so is that really a competition. Oh, well. At least everyone eats it ... and likes it.

Can you believe Pastor B, or as we like to call him in my house, the Big Daddy B, has been the senior pastor for five years now! How incredible! And if you have been here since, wow ... you would actually be a witness to someone who actually does what they say they are going to do. It is amazing to see what God can do with someone of integrity and honesty; someone who cares more about pleasing God than pleasing others ... particularly the nay sayers of a church. Barf.

It is amazing to see what God can do. I think that's why it is so important to take notes and pray and journal. In fact, God instructs us to "write it down". I don't know who it was, but just recently I was reading .. oh yes, Sex.God and Rob Bell writes about remembering and how many times the word is actually used in the Bible. A lot. So, duh! Do you really think you are going to remember by just telling yourself you will. Your memory isn't that good.

Wanna know how I know? What did you wear last Tuesday evening? How mnay outfits did you try on first before you finally picked what you wore? What color were your underwear? Socks? What shoes did you wear? (this may be easier for the guys, they seem to wear the same color underwear and socks and blue jeans) You get the point.
Ok, then. What did Pastor Big Daddy B preach on in October .... what did you learn ... what prayers did you ask God about ... did he respond ... Are you still waiting? You won't know what God is doing if you don't write it down. Plus, you will find yourself complaining more and thanking him less if you don't write stuff down to remember. Some people think journaling has to be long and drawn out, but it doesn't. Just write as much as you need to remember. Write your prayers out. Then you can actually revisit them and be a real life witness to what God is doing. It's is for your own benefit.

I can go back to my notes and read prayers that I prayed for during the sermon and some have been answered, some are on back order ... But it's going back and reading and reflecting on what God has done. Especially during those times when I think he's MIA. And even during those times when leaders are being attacked. Alls I have to do is go back and read and pray and seek the scriptures to know the truth. And that is: God honors and blesses those who honor and bless him. That is what I see in the leadership at C3.

Come and see it for yourself. I can't promise that church won't let you down from time to time (cause church is full of people and people will let you down), but what I can promise you is this: when you come to C3 you will encounter a God who won't let you down. He never has and he never will.

As my friend says : C U @ C3

I'm right here

2008-03-28T13:32:00.005-04:00

I promise not to take a week off from blogging ever again. ... promise....
But I did save a lot of money by painting my own living room ...
FINALLY!
Ya gotta see it....
I love sunflowers......
Read the blog below .... I just posted it TODAY. It's a tad long,
but I feel it's worth your wild ...
Yeah me! (clappinghands in front on me)
Come on ... haven't you ever seen Suite Life of Zack & Cody ;o)

Alright Already!

2008-03-28T08:17:00.004-04:00

Have you ever felt like just telling God, "Alright, alright. I get it, already. Stop with the testing and stuff, ok?"

Dude.... you have no idea. Like come ON already!

Like it seems I just finished taking a test and then BAMMO! He gladly gives me another one just to make sure I actually got it this time.

Ya see, that's the trouble when you ask God for wisdom and the "P" word. I'm not gonna say it cause then I'll get another test. So if I'm quiet and I don't actually say the word then maybe God won't hear me and test me with it.... again. I don't even think I am over this test yet.

Have you ever played or watched the $10,000 pyramid... ok well it's a word that means waiting.... be still .... someone’s in front of me and it's not my turn yet so I have to be .... I'd really like to tell you to be quiet but I will have be "blank" and wait for you to be quiet on your own .... you are trying my ....
I think you get the picture =D

Well, so there's this person. They tend to talk about things that have no relevance. And to top it all off, they think they are in the right and justify themselves all the time. But here's the kick in the pants, they think what they have to say is The most important thing like ever. And I think God is ... like ... testing me with the "P" word again with this one ... since I ask him everyday to help me figure out this "P" word ....

Plus, get this ... I ... like .. just so happened to have asked God to also help me love one another this year. That was my New Year's resolution last year "TO LIVE LOVE OUT LOUD" well, um. I kinda like forgot. SO I think God is holding me accountable to it this year. Thanks God. Really, no, I mean it, thanks. I'm enjoying it. (NOT)

Really, all kidding aside. It is a very difficult journey to like ... LOVE everyone. AND actually show it. What a challenge. What did I ask for. Holy canolli. I thought it would be easy. That is until just recently ... I discovered there are many tweaked individuals out there ... and I can't believe I thought it would be easy ....
Boy oh Boy! Oh boy!

Ok OK . So ... like .... I get it. Some people are just egocentric, stuck-up, self-centered, insensitive, insatiable, inconsiderate prigs.

So what to do .... what to do.
Ummmm.
Ummmmmmm.
OOOmmmmm.
That's me doing meditation ... yeah right! I have another bridge for ya.... it connects California to Hawaii ...

Well, I've been asking God to show me what love looks like around me and in his word (the Bible, for those of you who didn't know what "the word" is).
It's hard. It is really, really, really hard.
When I could actually show someone love, someone who is bugging the bees-wax out of me, I find myself wanting a way out ... I find myself trying to come up with excuses to leave.... or say something ... What is wrong with this picture..... AUGH!
That's not what I want to do.
And then in hind sight. .... I can see what I should have seen and then I can't say what I should have said. ....

I feel like I'm in the middle of a country western song ....

What I could've said
I didn't say
What I should've said
I didn't say
What I should've done
I didn't do
What I would've done
If I could've done ...

Well you add some twang and geetar to that and you gotch yerself a country soung....
Hey, ... I love country .. really.

What I have found is this: Life is full of challenges and God is there for each of them. Some people have unhealthy ways of dealing with their stuff; yet seem to be holding it all together. God created us so differently and yet He is the same. Isn't that cool! I think that's so cool. He doesn't change. He keeps his promises. It is difficult for us to understnad because we are merely human. But God helped us understand through his son Jesus.

Jesus came to Earth to help us understand who God is as well as how to live life God's way. He showed us. Ya see, before, all the people had was a bunch of books and the high priests. Then Jesus came: A living, breathing testiment of who God really is. WOW! I wish I would've been there. I think I would pick the time when Peter walked on water.

Why? Well, because I don't think he took his eyes of Jesus. Hear me out ... I think the waves blocked his view and he couldn't see Jesus, therefore, causing him to panick and sink.
Matthew 14:30 says "but when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!'"
Here's what I think. When the wind came, it stirred up some waves, and even though Jesus wasn't far, Peter lost sight of him and freaked!

We live near Cocoa, so the beach is so enticing this time of year. However, I have been wading; my calves haven't even gotten wet and I've been knocked on my kisser my waves. They are unpredicatable and can be very large; even near the shore. When a wave comes, depending on your perspective (key word there and another P word), the wave can blind you. You may not be able to see over it and therefore can not know what's on the other side of the wave once it passes.

I think Peter was in the same situation. He was walking on water towards Jesus. The wind kicked it up a knotch and caused some waves to block Peter's view. He panicked because he couldn't see Jesus through the wave. Where did Peter think Jesus was gonna go? I don't know, but he's Jesus. I probably would've freaked out myself. I mean, after all that Peter had seen Jesus do, how was he supposed to know that Jesus wouldn't do a Houdini and disappear; or be like others in Peter's life and leave him.

That was Jesus' point when he said in reply, "You of little faith. Why did you doubt?"
Isn't that the point of all our testing? To really trust God even in the middle of a wave.
I mean, come on. We ask God for something. He says, "Okeedoekee" and then when he gives it to us, something doesn't go as we planned and we panic, wondering where he's gone ...
Peter probably thought walking on water was going to be a cake walk. Just like I thought asking God to help me love people by showing it and teach me patience (ooops, I said it) was going to be easy. No prob right? ... wrong. God was testing my faith in him to see me through; to see if I would follow through with him; to trust him. To know that he is there with me even though I can't see him over the waves.

Jesus didn't go any where. He was so close, in fact that the Bible says he reached out his hand and (I love this part) and caught him. Jesus caught him before he fell.
I love that!

I think in life, we let our problems and people and jobs and money and people and distractions and disappointments and people and mistrust take our eyes off Jesus. We focus on the wind and the waves keeping us from Jesus. But that's what we think.

We allow it to happen because we don't actually believe that Jesus is on the other side of the "wave". We don't actually believe he is who he said he is. We think that Jesus could actually treat us like some people we know and leave or betray us. Well, that wouldn't be Jesus then, would it?

It's ok though. Jesus is right on the other side of the wave. Our problems and people and all the other stuff that try to blind us from seeing him are only temporary. Jesus is right there, even though you can't see him through the waves in your life, he's there, ready to catch you if you just call out to him.

SO, like ... maybe my resolution for next year .. I'll ... like ... ask God to help me with .... um .... something a little easier this time. Like maybe .... the "D" word ... and I don't mean Dallas..... No, not that one either. It's my least fave "D" word .... Diligence. That should be easy .... right?

Yeah right! How much for that bridge? Well, let's see here ....
;o)

Take it easy!
Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.

Testing

2008-03-20T14:57:00.004-04:00

I don't know about you, but I hate tests. Tests at school, tests at the doctors office; you name it, I probably wouldn't like it.

My doctor wants me to get a blood test, my professors want me to take tests ... even God wants me to take tests.

It's not the test that I don't like, it's the results.

I don't necessarily have to prepare or prep for a blood test, nor do I have to worry about the results; but I do.

When I prepare for a "book" test, I know what will be on it and I leave thinking I failed. I dread the results and yet, I know I performed well.

I pray and seek God's guidance and try to make each day count as a success at the end of the day and yet I still feel as though I have failed the test God may or may not have given me.

Why in the world is that?

I think it's due to my insatiable fear of failure.
Who knows.

All I know is this: No matter how prepared I believe I am for the results, I am almost always anxious about the results.

Going to Heaven and hearing "Well done, Jess", then I will know I passed the test here on Earth. Seeing the results and the fruit of my labor here on Earth is evidence that I have passed the test. However, alleviating the angst I feel every time I have completed a test and not knowing how well I have performed makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Thank God, I can take all my cares to the Lord.
Thank God, that he actually cares about how I feel about tests. ... maybe that's why he gives them to me so often.... so that I may one day trust Him and see His hand in each test I am given; Earthly or Heavenly.

Why God ... and this time it's serious!

2008-03-19T08:36:00.003-04:00

Have you ever wondered why God allows certain things to happen?
I have.
Here's just some of the things I think about.

Why is it that someone who loves children can't have them and has a lot of trouble adopting, yet someone who is clearly a hazard to the health of a child spits them out like no body's business (and has no trouble at all adopting and being a part of the foster care system - go DCF!)???

Have you ever wondered why God takes the sweetest people you have ever known at such a young age and yet leaves the nastiest people here?

Why is it that parents who belong to MENSA have children with an IQ of 40?

How can God allow someone who has never had health issues, eats right, exercises goes to the doctors' regularly - now have cancer?

I recently finished the book Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. In it he discusses three important things about why God allows suffering.

1- God did not send Christ to make our lives easier and becoming a Christ follower does not give you a stamp of approval for a worry free, problem free, stress free, care free, disease free life.

2- When God seems to be MIA, he is actually doing some very important work in your life.

3- Getting good things in life is great, but when bad things happen it allows us an opportunity to get to know God for who he is.

Never give up on God, be mad, be upset, cry, scream, be honest, but don't give up.
He's there. He's right there. Don't think in humans terms of "feeling his presence" because God is not human. Don't give up.

Really, God, Why?

2008-03-18T14:31:00.002-04:00

Just some things I'd like to know ...

I love ham & turkey, but why does it have to give me migraines?
Why can't I drink certain beverages without puking?
Why is it that kids don't hear what you want them to hear, yet always hear what you don't want them to hear?
I love cheese, so why can't I eat any kind I want to without getting a headache?
Why don't guys understand that the dominoes comercial with the guy who says, "Honey the dominoes lady says we have 30 minutes. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" is actually true?
Why do people actually think green bean casserole is good?
Why did you make green beans anyway, no one likes them unless they are diguised as a casserole?
What really happened to the dinosaurs?
And how come if Darwin retracted his whole "Darwin Theory" why are people still so bent on persuing the issue and its' relavance?
Why can't learning a second language be as simple as riding a bike?
And why can't remembering be as easy as never forgetting how to ride a bike?
Chocolate? Why did you make it taste so good?
And the things that are good for us, taste so much better with chocolate?
Why does broccoli look like a miniature shrub?
When you flooded the world, what happened to all the water creatures; since some can't survive in salt water and some can't survive in fresh water ... I don't get it?
What ever happened to Molly Wringwald?
When can the Buffalo Bills actually like, win a super bowl ... really?
And like when can like the 80's come back, cuz like I like totally like miss it and stuff.....
Why can't working out for 30 minutes a day produce results as fast as eating 30 minutes a day does?
Since science is so incredable and like my favorite thing in the whole wise world, I mean wide world, could you please make it possible for men to experience PMS ... just once, please? I think it will take just one man to send the message ... well, maybe not.
What's really in McDonald's chicken nuggets?
Will pigs ever learn to fly?

I think that's all for now.
What a fun day!

Forgive Myself ... Forgive Myself ... Forgive ...

2008-03-17T15:34:00.008-04:00

I don't know about you but there are many things that plague my life. One of them is the uncanny ability I have at dwelling on dumb things that I have done, either to myself or others. Oh it's fun, you oughta try it ... NOT!

I've messed up cars, broken things, lost things, wrecked relationships, trashed people; I mean you name it, I've probably done it ... or at least thought about doing it, or just haven't done it yet.

It's life, I am bound to mess up every now and then. However, when I do, I feel like the worst person on the planet. Like it's my fault or something. Or better yet, let's say I legitimately offend someone. I do like the Bible says and go to them and try to apologize and seek forgiveness. They say yeah, ok, alright, don't worry ... yada yada yada. BUT, they don't act like they have forgiven me, causing me to feel like I am the very worst ever and nothing I can ever do will make things better.

Now, that's the truth. There is nothing I can do to make it any better. Even if the other person won't forgive me, there is nothing I can do about it. Does that change the fact that I did something wrong? No. I asked God to forgive me and I sought forgiveness from the person; so why don't I feel any better.

That is a legitimate question. The reason I don't and probably won't feel better is because I haven't forgiven myself for being a rude, obnoxious, potty mouth, stubborn jackass, etc ...

Every time I revisit the past, full of garbage only God and a few others know about, I have forgiven the people, have asked God to forgive me, and if possible, I have sought forgiveness from others. And I would still feel like I was the worst person in the world ... Why? I was not forgiving myself.

My pastor talked about this yesterday. He said that I cannot grow if I don't let go. I need to be able to forgive myself, otherwise I will stay stuck in the current situation; even if God has already forgiven me of it. Weird, huh?

It is by far the hardest thing for a stubborn perfectionistic person like myself to do. I mean, I'm supposed to be perfect. I don't make mistakes. Well, I do, but when I do, I find they are only due to circumstances beyond my control and such things like that. (yeah, right. If you believe that, I've got some ocean side porperty in Arizona for ya)

So, what to do .... what to do ....
Forgive myself.
It goes like this.
Lord God, I forgive myself for not being perfect, for messing up, for not being the citizen of Heaven you've called me to be. I forgive myself for embarrassing myself and others. I forgive myself for not being who you have created me to be, but being whom I think I should have been created to be. Lord, forgive me for being arrogant and prideful in thinking that you couldn't possibly forgive me. I forgive myself for being arrogant and prideful, in that I think I can do a better job than you can sometimes. Well, who am I kidding, all the time. Forgive me for not trusting you. And I coose to forgive myself for not trusting you.
Forgive me for thinking that I can not forgive myself because I am supposed to be perfect and I deserve to feel like crap. Lord God, help me to forgive myself and to be mindful of my own self righteousness when I don't accept your forgiveness; and act as though there is something I can do to earn your forgiveness. Thank you Lord, for loving me unconditionally. You are so deserving of my praise. Thank you for your daily reassurances and reminders of your love and presence. I love you Lord.

Now, it's up to me to remember this and to do it each time I find myself blaming myself and being stuck in the muck of life.

Do I want to grow or be stuck collecting dust on a shelf somewhere?

Nothin but Net

2008-03-15T16:55:00.002-04:00

I enjoy basketball. I used to watch it all the time, but now that I am married to a man who is allergic to sports, it's rather difficult ... :o)
It's hard being a woman and explaining something "manly" to a man ... Oh, well. He doesn't care whether he understands it; I think he enjoys me explaining it as well as yelling at the TV :op

I love the Saracuse Orangemen and the New York Knicks.
And since I am a New York fan, it's rather difficult watching my teams play without spending bookoo bucks all year.

What a love the most is the squeeky sound of the sneakers on the court ... what a sound.

And the announcers ... "Nothin but net!"

And the fans waving funky balloons and signs behind the foul line to distract the shooter ... although I think the only one it worked for was Shak ... sorry, but what a bad free throw shooter he was .... I'm glad I have never been a fan of one of his teams ...
I don't know the stats, but I know they weren't good. He compensated for it in other ways on the court, though.
It was fun watching others play against him. I remember one game when he was with the Lakers. That game was super close and the other team actually fouled him on purpose because they knew he wouldn't make the free throws... poor guy ... oh the tactics of basketball.
Evil .... and so mean.

To foul someone on purpose ... how rude. :o)

Hey, they use similar tactics in football; it's called "Time out" when there is less than 2 minutes left on the clock in the fourth quarter ... oh man! It get's the other team's jock straps in a bunch!
It's fabulous!

I love sport! (well, except for soccer, lacross and tennis)

I can't wait for baseball season to actually begin.... I miss watching my Yankees play!
By far, the best team in the nation!
Now if I could only say that about the Buffallo Bills!
and no ... Pastor Byron, I will not convert over to the winning side with Dallas; I'd feel like a trader ... even though I do love their colors ... the coordinate with everything.
:o)

I love sports!

Lessons I'm Still Learning

2008-03-14T13:19:00.005-04:00

If you have read my blog, you know that I have had some difficulties with a group member, and although the situation has been resolved, there are still many underlying issues that I am trying to deal with appropriately.

Just recently, someone shed some light on this event. She said that since we are involved in a Christ centered atmosphere and learning how to become ambassadors for Christ in the counseling realm, we should expect Satan to get his panties in a bunch about that. He's none to happy about us learning how to be effective Christian counselors and will use whatever tactics possible to destroy us; whether it be to dash our dreams, run us down with negative thoughts, tear us apart by differences, separate us through difficulties or run us through with lies and dissension. I have been a Christ follower for a long time, long enough to know this (as well as many others things) but had forgotten it. Sad, but true.

Jesus warns us that Satan is like a lion that prowls around looking for someone to devour. He’s a devourer. Ouch. Jesus also tells us that Satan is a wolf in sheep’s clothing as well as one who masquerades as a messenger of God. That is to say, you may be thinking that what you are doing is of God's will, but it's really Satan tricking you into believing you are doing God's work.

Fascinating, I know. Satan is a sneaky, slimy, son of a biscuit eating bull dog. We need to be on our guard, vigilant in our walk with Christ as it relates to His calling on our lives.
I neglected to do this. I wasn't praying over my heart, nor my life and future career for that matter. I kind of took for granted the fact that I was in a Christ centered environment that "everything's going to be alright." That is far from true. Satan will look for any sign of weakness in my life and attack. Any sign.

I have many weaknesses, but I also have many strengths. As long as I am keenly aware of what my strengths and weaknesses are, I can be on my guard and in prayer that the Lord will protect me from Satan. In the book of Ephesians, Paul tells us, in chapter six, to wear the armor of God; be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against Satan's schemes (and he has a boat load).

For our struggles are not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish ALL the flaming arrows of Satan, the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on ALL occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.

Wow! I once heard someone say that they actually practiced this in front of the mirror as they got ready for their day. And ya know something? I think I need to start doing the same thing. It's so easy to do.

I once heard another someone say, If Satan can't make you bad, he'll make you busy. So, I think it is then, up to me to make every effort, as Paul said, to live in peace with others in my life as well as be alert and on guard, like a sentinel.

In Washington D.C. the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, symbolizing those unknown soldiers from WWI, WW II, Korea, and the Vietnam War, who fought in defense of this Nation's integrity, honor and tranquility. Since April 6, 1948, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier has been guarded by the Tomb Guard of the U.S. Army’s 3rd Infantry Regiment, otherwise known as The Old Guard. The tomb is guarded 24 hours a day every day of the year, by a sentinel.

While on duty, the sentinel (the guard stationed in case of a surprise attack) crosses a 63-foot rubber surfaced walkway in exactly 21 steps. He then faces the Tomb for 21 seconds, turns again, and pauses an additional 21 seconds before retracing his steps. The number 21 is symbolic of the highest salute according to dignitaries in military and state ceremonies.

"Here Rests In Honored Glory An American Soldier Known But To God" the inscription on the grave

I must be as the sentinel; vigilant and always prepared for a surprise attack.

So Sleepy ... and Mr. Pointer Hurts

2008-03-12T09:09:00.004-04:00

I am so tired today ... I stayed up too late after my class.
So this will be like a punch drunk blog today ....
No spell checks and no re-reading... yeah me! (clapping my hands, carefully)

I think I spranged Mr. Pointer finger yesterday moving a chair!
Moving a Chair!
How does one do such a thing?
Ouch. It hurts to type...
Thank goodness it's my left hand....

I begin a new class tomorrow!
Yeah!

Thank goodness I have nothing spectacular to do today ...
Maybe I should paint my living room like I was supposed to do over spring break ...
Naaa.
I'll imagine it painted for now ... much too sleepy
and besides ... my finger hurts. ...

Are there any finger doctors out there ....

=D

Disney's Fun - But Not My Kinda Fun!

2008-03-11T08:40:00.007-04:00

I didn't write anything yesterday and I'm ok with that =D
But I thought of writing something while I was off to Lala Land and this morning when I woke up, you guessed it, I forgot. Bummer. I should keep a notebook and my light up pen next to my bed.

I have class tonight. Well, everyday I have class; but today, I am actually going to class cause my spring break is over. Boo hoo hoo.

It was a restful break. Lots of lounging and watching CSI and Forensic Files and Cold Case Files. I love those shows. Now, besides CSI, that's my idea of reality TV. Peoples lives turned upside down. That's not why I enjoy it. I enjoy it because of a long time dream of mine to either be a police officer, detective, crime lab - lab rat, or a crime scene investigator.

I fell in love with this type of work back in junior high with Ted Bundy. What an absolute intreguing case. He was definately a mad man, but a very convincing one to say the least. Did you know he had a rotting corpse in his closet because he hadn't had time to dispose of it. Three or four days it was there and when his girlfriend would come over, she actually believed that it was rotting meat in his fridge that he had just thrown away. Love is blind. Or is that just dumb love? Who knows.

When I graduated from high school, I went into psychology because, now I don't tell many people this, but I wanted to be a forensic psychiatrist. I also thought about becoming a profiler. But then I started to love biology and chemistry more than psychology ( I think it had more to do with my professors than anything). My biology prof used to crack me up, my chemistry prof was a tiny little german woman and my chemistry tutor was a babe. Woohoo, so I changed my major. And graduated Sigma Cum Laude. Yeah! Transfered to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute and conitnued my biology degree.

I had an interview with the Albany Crime Lab and dropped out of the running because I would have had to work the graveyard shift. Without a car and taking a bus from downtown Troy to downtown Albany was like saying, "Yes, please I would like to be shot at point blank range. I don't mind, really." NO thanks!

Then I moved to Orlando and worked for Disney. Woop dee doo da day! How exciting, I can barely contain my enthusiasm as I write these words ....

I never forgot about my dream of working with "mad men" though. And mad ladies, too, but not as much. I am so captivated and intrigued by the mentallity of crime and what makes a person do what they do! It gets me so excited ... more than Disney!

So, now I am in the master's program for counseling pych at PBA. I have three interests, one is working with pastor's and their families; another is working with parents who have children that have been through trama, like abandonment, foster care, adoption and the like; and lastly, I would like to become a forensic psychologist or a profiler. Still. I am so excited thinking about it right now.

I am just praying that God would lead me to where he wants me to be. I do believe that he wants to give us our dreams because he is the one who gave them to us to begin with. Read the Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson - Awesome book! I need to surrender my desires and dreams to him and allow him to work through me and my dreams.

I have always been told to do what I love doing. That way, I won't ever get bored. Well, I loved Biology and working in the lab ... I got bored within 6 months. I loved Chemistry and working in the lab ... I got bored after about 3 months. But you know what I have never grown weary or bored of .... people and their psychosis. What makes them tick. I am always trying to figure that out. Sometimes I can't, but it gives me great energy thinking about it and processing it all.

Lead on, God. I will honor you in whatever career you bestow upon me; however, I would really like something I won't get bored with, pretty please. With sugar on top ... and maybe some rum raisin ice cream so I can try it while I wait. =D

Happy reading!
Happy Day!
And don't forget
that come what may
always look up
and always pray!

Your Story

2008-03-09T18:48:00.012-04:00

What a great day at C3! One of my friends spoke this morning! She was fantabulous! I don't care what you say, she was great and I am so proud of her!

Listening to her speak of her past reminded me of something.
We all have a story to tell. In this book I read called "To be Told" by Dan Allender, he said that God is the author of our story and we are the co-authors. We all have a beginning, a middle and an end.

Obviously, our beginning is when we were born, and for most of you, myself included, you don't remember before the age of three unless it was told to you.
Be honest.... :o)

The end is also very apparent, in that we all die. Some a lot more graciously than others, but it's true; death is our end.

The middle is all the stuff that happens from the beginning to the end. Some think that our stories can not be changed; well that is only partially true. We cannot rewrite what has already happened, but you can still pen what will happen. It's up to you what you will write from here on out. You can pen things well or worse. Your ending can be a tragedy or a musical; God only knows, but you are responsible for the choices that occur during that time.

We can't change our past, but my pastor said that the choices we make for our furture is important. We can choose to be angry or bitter about our past or we can choose to forgive and not allow our past define our future.

My friend said that Satan isn't as conserned about our present as he is our future; he'd rather destroy our future. This is true because Satan knows that God is our future and Satan will try and undermind that by sabataging your idea of a better future in spite of your past. He will trick you into thinking that you will never escape your past; your past defines you.

Don't believe the lies. Your past does not in any way define you. Jesus Christ defines you. When God sees you, he sees Christ, not your past. Even if you were unkind to the cashier yesterday, rude to your spouse, screamed at your kids. Even if you were raped, molested, cutting, drugging, hooking. When you accept Christ, God sees you as he sees his Son - blameless.

You can write your present and your future anyway you want it. It doesn't have to be full of regret and fear. It can be loaded with the precious promise of a better end than what you might have thought before you let your past define you.

I struggle with failure and perfectionistic-isms. :o)
For example, I will read and re-read this blog about 20 times before I am finally satisfied and publish it. Now if that isn't perfectionistic-ism, I don't know what is... but God's workin' me .. trust me. One day, I promise, I won't proof read a blog and there will be a boat load of mistakes.
You'll see. One day .... maybe not tomorrow ... or the next day ... soon :op

Back to what I was saying. My end does not have to be defined by my failures or my perfectionistic attributes. My end is defined by my position is Christ.

So, pen your precious thoughts of yesterday without the fear and the regret; Christ was there when all the mess happened to you. Pen your thoughts of today, He's with you right now, even if nothing in particular is happening. Pen your thoughts about the future without the fear and intrepedation of the other shoe falling to the floor. Your future is secure in Christ no matter how nice or rotten you are today or tomorrow.

You are just as important as any one and your story matters; beginning, middle and end. You and God can write your story with a better ending than you ever thought possible.
Don't give up.

What a Day!

2008-03-08T08:07:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was a blast. I had written how nervous I was, but after being with these women, I can't think for a minute why I would have been so nervous. Morning Glories has the best omlets I have ever tasted; I had a Greek one with creamed spinach, olives and feta cheese. Yummy. I want one now.... I wonder if they deliver ..... mmmmm

It was amazing to be a part of something so terrific. We laughed, talked, shared. It was great.

It was a testiment to the dedication, commmitment, determination and faith that C3 has to offer. It is a testiment to the obedience of God's will, not the leadership's own. I mean, get this; after this past Sunday's Discover C3 class where 46 people showed, 41 of them became members. Yo, that right there is a testiment to God's blessings.

I've never in my life been a part of a church where the leadership has done what it said it was going to do. I think if more people actually paid attention to that, rather then their own ideas and agendas, they'd see it, too. But, God does blind some individuals from reality ya know, ...remember Pharoh and King Saul?

Then again, C3 isn't for everyone. If you grew up in church, honey, this ain't your grandparent's church, and for others, this ain't jo mama'a church either.

You may come to C3 and think we are all lunatics. But, hey, that's ok. We are reaching people in the community. And besides, there's a boat load of other churches out there; just don't pick one out of convenience, pick it because God led you there. You'll know.

I did.
And I am so thankful for what God is doing at C3.

I used to feel more comfortable with my drinking buddies at "Players" and "Wing Shack" than I did with people at church. When I started going to church (before we became C3) I would stay far away for the people I used to hang out with. Why? Well, that's a whole nother blog, baby.

Now, I'd be comfortable doing both and not feel one bit of shame or guilt. Ya know why? Because, I am a living, breathing testiment to what the Lord can do. I drank, smoked, slept around, took drugs, struggled with an eating disorder; and look what God did with my life. And he ain't even done yet!

I'm overjoyed that people like me are welcome at C3.

It is living proof of a leadership following the will of God - not their own.

Lead on

2008-03-07T08:52:00.004-05:00

I have been waiting for today all week. But not for the same reasons most of you wait for Friday. I have a lunch date with a friend of mine that turned into a "Girls' Lunch" with a bunch of other girls; some I know, some I don't. Now, I gotta be honest, I'm nervous. Not about what to wear or finding the place or being late, but about those girls I will be with.

I've never been really good at friendship. At least not lately. It's been more like the motto "Once Bitten Twice Shy" without the "Babe".

Everyone in life has been hurt, by family, friends, co-workers, you name it. Some people just get on with it and work on new relationships, others stay stuck ...
I think I'm somewhere in between.

In school, I have a whole bunch of friends; but only a few I would call on for "Help!", if you know what I mean. So why, do you ask I am so scared of this kind of friendship?

Good question. It's church people.
I know. I know. It's ridiculous, but hang on.
Growing up I loved church. I would even walk to church by myself just to be there on days when my mom couldn't get herself up off the couch. I would go with whoever would take me. I loved being there. I loved my pastor and what I learned about God and Jesus and the whole shebang.
My mom even remarried a preacher man. Baptist through and through. Although he turned out to be a regular schmuck. Sorry. He was.

He lied about my brother and I in order to save face and get us in trouble, he lied to his church, he lied to my mom. A real winner this guy. Eventually, I began to hate going to church and everything about it. You see, I saw behind the scenes and it wasn't what I had always thought as a little girl. It kind of ruined for me ... at the ripe age of 13.

I have since forgiven him. He is remarried to a wonderful woman, is no longer preaching (praise God) and lives somewhere in NY. I have gotten over all the awful things he said and did to my family, but what remained was the ick towards what I saw behind the scenes. How truly mean church people can be. And I mean mean.

I haven't quite forgotten about all that. The year 2001, was the first time I had stepped inside a church building in which to worship and "start over" since 1991, maybe. All through high school, I was forced to go to church, so maybe it was even earlier than that ... maybe say 1988.

Now that's over 10 years of not giving a hoot about church or God for that matter. I had friends, but not the kind of friends you'd find in church, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, 2001, ... so I met a few friends at church, but none that I was able to feel comfortable with; let my guard down, ya know. Then I moved away for about a year and was in a hick town Baptist church.. then moved back to Orlando to the same church I had left ... a lot of the people I had known hadn't remembered me .. some hadn't, but I still didn't feel safe.

Then, the pastor was asked to leave ... wow ... and I saw a repeat of all the yuck, the mean church people. At least, at that point, I had learned to trust God and was taught how to pray, so I stayed and was satisfied with my decision. I saw many leave ... and I saw many stay. I started making more friends, but again, not tooooo close. Gotta stay safe.

I found getting involved in ministry dulled the pain of not having many friends. It kept me busy and focused and what felt like "safe". At least I felt needed and wanted in a safe environment. Make scene? Good. Then the church went through a humungogunga re-birth. I was excited! I couldn't wait! But wouldn't ya know ... I witnessed, again, the yuck, the mean church people; although, I wasn't behind the scenes, it was still not so good. In fact, it was real bad and I still cry sometimes.

I am satisfied with my decision to stay where I am. I feel God's peace and reassurance every time I think about it. However, many of the friends I dared get close to left with a whole lot to say ... things that hurt ... things that would leave a lasting impression.

So, .... what to do .... what to do ....
Pray and forgive. That's all there is to do.
Pray for peace, forgiveness, understanding, patience, trust, love, courage, strength, all sorts of things. Most importantly, I pray to get over the fear of loss and rejection. It's inevitable, but at times unbearable.

We have all been hurt. Jesus even said we would all face trouble in this life. It's bound to happen. But at least I can rest assured in the knowledge that Jesus knows what I have been through, but most importantly, he knows where I'm going. I just have to trust him to lead me.
I will rest in that. So lead on.

Perfect People - Natalie Grant

2008-03-06T08:34:00.004-05:00

Never let him see you when your breaking

Never let him see you when you fall

Thats How We Live And Thats How We Try

Tell The world you've got it all together

You never let him see what's underneath

We cover it up with the crooked smile

but it only lasts for a little while

there's no such thing as perfect people

there's no such thing as a perfect life

so come as you are, broken and scarred

lift up your heart and be amazed,

and be changed by a perfect god

yeaaa

Suddenly its like a weight is lifted

when you hear the words that you are loved

he knows where you are and were you've been

and you never have to go there again

there's no such thing as perfect people

there's no such thing as a perfect life

so come as you are, broken and scarred

lift up your heart and be amazed

and be changed by a perfect god

Who lived, and died, to give you life

to heal our inperfections

so look up, and see love, and let grace be enough

There's no such thing as perfect people

YEAAA

There's no such thing as a perfect life

So come as you are, broken and scarred

lift up your heart and be amazed

and be changed by a perfect god

by a perfect god

There is no such thing as perfect anything. I'm fooled by it every day.

This song really taught me something I hope I keep close enough not to forget next time I fall into the tempations of perfection.

In the Place of Peace

2008-03-05T08:49:00.005-05:00

I'm in a place of perfect peace
My heart at rest, my soul's release.

I'm in the place of sweet contentment
No bitterness nor resentment.

I'm in the place of new found rest
So relaxed and at my best.

I'm in the place of the cross
All I've gained, I count but loss.

I'm in the place of blessedness
Overjoyed with thankfulness.

Success ... and the "F" word

2008-03-04T09:48:00.008-05:00

I love working hard and succeeding. I enjoying studying and doing well in school; being with my children and watching them grow; being married to my most excellent man and cultivating friendships; working out at home or Bally's and maybe not seeing the results, but feeling them. There are so many more things I could write about the feeling of success, but what I could write a whole lot more about is the "F" word.

No, not that one. Failure. That one. I loathe failing and any feeling that remotely resembles it. When I couldn't get to the place of forgiveness; when my son had to repeat second grade, my daughter having to repeat seventh grade, my husband's unmentionables - I feel like a failure. Every time I know what I should be doing and I don't do it, for whatever reason, I feel like a failure. When I set up a gathering or a party, where very few show, I feel like it's my fault.

One of my dear friends said this to me not long ago: "The feeling of failure is just plain inevitable. "It's all part of being a fallen human in a fallen world" (thank you Dr. Wilcox!). Especially when we strive for the very best for those we love, and especially when we want to do the very best for those the Lord has entrusted in our care. We want Him to be pleased and proud with the resposibilities He has given us, and in turn we expect the same from others. I know what it's like being so hard on yourself, but don't sit there too long.

So, what to do .... what to do.
The key words in her encouragement to me were, "don't sit there too long".
Well, I've been turning it around. I ask myself what it has to do with me, and if so, what can be done about it. No one showing up for a gathering ... what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My son and daughter's love of repetition, what does that have to do with me. Nothing.
My inability to do what I am supposed to do (including forgive) ... ah-uh. Now that's where things get a little sticky.
So, now what?

That's just it. What now? What can I do to turn the failure into a success? I have been working on so many things in my life it would astonish you. One is my tremendous fear of failure and my insecurity of it all. I am presently working on dealing with the feeling when it comes and talking it over ... with myself ... so I won't "stay there too long". Sounds strange, but it is working. I am a firm believer in using what works. And so what if I talk to myself. There are far worse things one could do to feel better ...

One thing I have noticed that allows those feelings to penetrate deeper is "spinning". Spinning is a little like reliving things over and over in your thoughts. Spinning. Imagine you are outside on a beautiful day and you are spinning. Eventually what will happen if you continue? You will get dizzy and fall down and go boom. Ouch. You will go inside - pout and cry. Someone will ask you what is wrong. You will tell them. How will they respond? ..... What were you doing spinning for as long as you did?

It's not to say you can't spin. Spinning has it's benefits, but not when you hurt yourself.
When I catch myself spinning. I have to stop. If I don't, I will fall into the temptation of failure and self-preservation. Not good.

So, how do you stop from spinning? First you have to recognize that you are doing it.
Back in August of 2006, my Pastor was doing a sermon series on King Saul, called i-motions. I must say, I didn't enjoy this series. It can be found in the book of I Samuel 9-31. The story of King Saul and David. In the beginning, there was nothing Saul feared; there was no equal to Saul (Ch. 9). Enter: David. At first, King Saul loved David. As you may remember, David defeated Goliath and became a regular hero. Saul asked David to come and live with him and play his harp for him. Later, Saul gave David a high ranking position in his army (Ch. 18) and he won many battles for Saul. Then the people began to say "Saul has slain his thousands but David his ten-thousands." Uh-oh. What happened to "there was no equal to Saul"?

Saul became angry and jealous. He would call David in to play his harp and become so angry at his presence (and what he was 'spinning' in his head) that he would throw his spear at him. Ouch. If I were David I would have ran away right then.

The problem. Saul was spinning thoughts of jealousy and fear in his head. He probably felt like a failure. The people loved David more. He was hurt and became angry and bitter. See I Sam 18:6. Saul was re-visiting the scene of what the people were saying about David. He must have played it a lot, because he made attempts on David's life nearly every time he saw him. So many, in fact that David fled with the help of Saul's son, Jonathan. ... and Saul persued him.

Later, in Chapter 31, Saul and his armies were killed. Saul’s sons were killed. And Saul killed himself. All for what?
Because Saul couldn't let it go.
He kept spinning it over and over in his head.

My Pastor said this: What I think in my mind will capture my heart. If my life were a movie, I need to remove things before the final cut.

Saul saw his value in what people said and thought about him. The truth is, he lost sight of what God thought of him. He traded God's thoughts and values for his own and kept spinning. He spun so much, he lost sight of things. He finally collapsed: on his sword.
No, I'm not kidding, see I Sam 31:1-6.

My Pastor also said this little tid bit, that I kind of forgot about until recently: Focus on what God is doing, not on everyone else.

Stop spinning. Recognize when you are by listening to your self talk. Stop beating yourself up about what you can't control. Remember, you weren't in control to begin with, so what are you fretting about. It didn't go the way you expected ... join the club. Just listen to the weather report for week.... you'll see.

When you recognize it, another tid bit from my Pastor, Philippians 4:8 it.
"Summing it all up, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditations (your self talk) on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to be praised, not things to be cursed." The Message.

It will take some work and diligence (my least favorite "d" word) on your part and mine. But it is so worth it. Besides, look at Saul’s end.

Wouldn't it be nice to stop spinning while you still have the chance to grab your bearings?
Don't be like Saul. See things as God does. He does not see you as a failure just because things aren't the way you envisioned they would be (are you listening to yourself, Jessy?).
God sees you as he sees his son, Jesus.
Blameless.

Somebody's Watching Me .... Creepy or Cool?

2008-03-03T07:08:00.020-05:00

It's an old 80s song. And it's creepy. The writer must have been schizophrenic or drugged up... or both. Either way, the song is creepy. Ok, ok first of all I'm not schizophrenic or on any drugs, except for some cold medicine. But lately it's felt as though someone has been watching me. That someone is either Boyd Bailey, Pastor Byron, Dr. Wilcox, or God. You see, I've been going through a difficult struggle with something over the past eight weeks that has caused me to feel horrible. The pits. Crapolla. Garbage. Need I go on? No, I didn't think so. I mean everywhere I have gone for the past eight weeks or so, I have either heard, read or seen something related to what has been going on in my life; exactly related. Creepy.

This thing I have been dealing with involves being used and taken advantage of. At first, I thought I was being used for help. Since helping others is a strength and a gift of mine, I was more than happy to oblige. However, that help turned into enabling. Something I noticed eight weeks too late. This individual used their weakness as their greatest ally and took advantage of me. I didn't even notice it until it was too late. I'm sitting in a meeting where this individual was supposed to also be, but refused and discovered this individual scheduled a meeting prior to mine and wrote an elaborate email defending her case. I was shocked, appalled and disgusted. I felt like leaving, throwing up and passing out, all at the same time. I thought to myself, "What the hell is the point of this meeting now?" I felt demolished, sabotaged, jaded, pretty much beat up.

So how does this relate to the thought of being watched, you ask? Well, I'm getting there. At this meeting I was dealing with a lot of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, betrayal, and a few more not so good feelings toward a fellow believer. The mediator for this meeting validated my feelings and told me "forgiveness is a process". As some of you may know, I have to work extra hard at being patient. It's my least favorite word and goal; however, when he said this, I was relieved. I was expecting it to happen instantly. And for those of you who know me, I should know better than to think such nonsense. I've read the books about forgiveness, been to the Bible studies, read the book of Matthew about a hundred times or more, heard messages from pastors about this type of thing since I was old enough to understand - and yet I still expected forgiveness to be instantaneous. So as not to feel like garbage any more; someone else's garbage for that matter. And, no, I wasn't feeling like the old adage, "Someone's garbage is someone else's treasure." I was feeling like garbage, period. Not treasure.

Another creepy feeling came upon receiving daily email devotions from Boyd Bailey; which coincided with what I was dealing with. During all this commotion, my devotions were about love. Love hopes, never fails, perseveres, and, you guessed it, love forgives. You would think I would have learned something and worked it out; but I didn't. I just read it and continued to struggle. How stubborn can one person be? Everyday, Boyd's messages were so loud and yet, I wasn't listening. It was just words on a page to me. I knew what I should be doing and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't get myself there; to the point of forgiveness. It wasn't like I wasn't trying, I just wasn't willing. I was waiting for God to do something. I was expecting Him to move so that the hurt and pain and fear would all go away. I wasn't willing to do any work. I thought, selfishly, if God loves me, he will remove this obstacle from my life and make it all better. Well, duh. He does love me, but just like the thorn in Paul's side; God did not remove it because He loves me. I was too self-absorbed to notice or care what God was doing or what He wanted. I just wanted the inconvenience to be gone.

Why do I feel like Pastor Byron is following me? Good question. Because his message yesterday was about forgiveness. How hard it is. How dangerous it is to hold onto the past hurts. How much God wants to do something wonderful, but can't because we won't move. You see, I was waiting for God to do something and He is up there waiting for me to make the first move. Forgive. This morning, Boyd Bailey's devotion was about pain being our teacher .. and used Abraham's willingness to sacrifice his only son as an example; which is the same lesson Dr. Wilcox used before our meeting; as a bonus. What a bonus it was!!

Pastor Byron. I love you man, but could you stop following me. I mean, really, I am sure there are much better things you can do with your life than watch mine.
... Seriously, Pastor Byron isn't keeping tabs on my life any more that Boyd Bailey would pay a PI to watch mine in order to have something to write about for his devotions. Nor would Dr. Wilcox, the mediator, for that matter. So who's watching me?

God. He watches me all the do da day. He knew all this would happen to me. Just like He knew what would happen to Joseph. He knew his brothers would sell his pompous self into slavery because of his pride and conceit. He knew he would be imprisoned; falsely accused. He also knew Joseph would one day save the lives of many, including his own brothers who betrayed him. His own brothers. How cruel.

I was betrayed by a fellow believer, a sister in Christ. Used, abused. She acted as though she had no idea what she had done. She said I was the abuser, the one who mistreated her; I was mean, rude insensitive, harsh; treating her as though she were stupid. Forget about all the help I offered in order for her to understand, all the questions I had graciously answered, all the hard work I had done for her, all the forgiveness I had offered her without her knowledge. OOH! All the nerve. Of all the backstabbing, no good, conniving, son's of a biscuit eating bull dog, low-down, dirty rotten, scheming things to say. And all for what? So she would look like the victim and I the victimizer, the brute. Now, that is what's so damn hard to forgive. It's hard for me to forgive a manipulator, someone who plays the sympathy card, someone who is so good at "playing dumb" so that others will feel sorry and bend an ear. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. I believed it. I bought into it. I was a sucker. I feel like that cartoon character who has just realized they were the brunt end of the joke and their head turns in to a lollipop with the word "sucker" painted on it (for some of you a lollipop is a sucker).

Pastor Byron's message spoke to my heart. You have no idea how many times I have had flash backs and red-flag reminders and yet I still hardened my heart towards the situation. What a stubborn mule I am at times.

Sometimes God wants us to move. We are expected to move. He can't do it for us; otherwise we would be nothing more than spoiled children. Which is exactly what I was acting like. I was behaving like a spoiled-rotten, good for nothing brat. In that, I wasn't willing to move. I was throwing a spiritual temper tantrum while expecting God to give me what I wanted; yet I was unwilling to give Him what He wanted, my heart, my feelings, my attention, my hurt, my pain. In my unwillingness, I couldn't see the forest through the trees. I knew they were there, but I just couldn't see them.

After this morning, I see them. I have chosen to forgive. I will choose to forgive as often as necessary in order for God to restore that which was broken; my heart.

Thank you Boyd Bailey for your daily messages. They speak to me, even days later.
Thank you Dr. Wilcox for your nurturing words of wisdom.

Thank you Pastor Byron for your willingness to communicate the difficult to the difficult regarding the most difficult. Every drive by will be met by a choice; every moment relived I will choose to forgive.

Thank you to my fellow believer for hurting me. Thank you for using me. Through you, I have had the opportunity to trust God, trust you or trust myself and my own feelings. Through you, I have had the chance to revisit forgiveness and taste the pain and resentment as well as the Lord's goodness. Through this, I have had anger and bitterness and yuck. I am glad and praise God; for if it not for this, as hard as it is for me to write this now - without stopping to ask forgiveness and to forgive you, I may have never learned the importance; the necessecity of forgiveness.

Thank you God for following me; stalking me. Thank you for allowing pain and hurt in my life. Thank you for lessons learned. Thank you for the tears and heartache. Thank you for the bitterness and resentment; the hostility and anxiety. Thank you for restoration and peace. Thank you for the damage done and the repairs underway. Thank you for the chance to be used and abused in order to run to you, next time, rather than run from you.

II Corinthians 4:7-8; 15-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all‑surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Lessons Learned

2008-03-01T18:55:00.006-05:00

I tried to upload the actual song, but I am still new to this blogging stuff....
I heard this song today, as well as many others, that just seems to minister to what I am trying to deal with right now. The lessons I am trying to learn from this last doosy in my life ... and realizing that forgiveness is a process not a magic pill or cure. It is a diligent process on my part. The key word .... diligent.
I must perservere through this and realize that as difficult as it has been for me, there is a lesson to be learned.
Some of those lessons, include being careful to guard my heart, even among Christ followers; that's the hardest one of all.
And I thought I had already learned that and was doing well ... little do I know.

This song is sung by Carrie Underwood and I am sure if you go to YouTube, ya'll will have no problems in finding it.

Lessons Learned
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts, That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned, Some bridges burned,
But there were, Lessons learned.
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were,Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get threw the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past, Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's allLessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

Charlie Brown Moments

2008-02-29T09:11:00.008-05:00

Have you ever had those moments where no matter what you do or say, nothing goes the way you envisioned it would? Well, guess what? You either have, will or you're lying. I've been going through the most difficult time of my life (so far). Some of you reading this will be reminded of the changes C3 went through; her conception, her pregnancy, her birth and now her growing pains; although, I wouldn't necessarily refer to them as all bad just because they are growing pains.

The conception was fun; the ideas and inspirations being concieved; it was awesome. Her trimesters, or her pregnancy was rough; some thought touch and go, others thought all would be lost, while still others were hopeful and expecting; as any proud parent would be. It was during that time however, that many treated the unborn C3 as though she should have been aborted; it was unnatural, a mistake, ungodly and some tried to poison the unborn C3. Many made their thoughts known. Some were painful. Some were quiet. Some loud. Some, you didn't even know about until it was too late.

During the birth of C3, again, many let their thoughts be known. Even the deaf were, at times, louder than the hearing. Others were quiet and lurking; kept from view. Still others were loud and damaging. Not quite what you'd expect from Church people. ... or is it?

Well, that's what I'm going through, only not with C3.

It's a Christ centered place. A place where I felt safe to let my guard down. I mean, come on, we're all Christians here. We all know how we are supposed to act, behave, speak and share. Why would anyone in their right mind think that a Christ centered place would be unsafe? Me, that's who. And as far as I know, I'm in my right mind.

I felt safe until I was blind sided. I didn't even see it coming and if I could kick myself in the @&$, I would!!! I feel like Charlie Brown when he trusts Lucy will hold the ball this time. She promises that she won't take the ball away and he naively believes her. We think he's stupid and cry through the comic strip, "NO! Don't trust her Charlie Brown! Don't be stupid!" But what does he do? He trusts her and runs to kick the football only to have it wisked away just before he lifts up his leg to kick it ... and then he falls on his bumm. Why does he keep doing it? Is he stupid or something? Well, as my mentor Forest Gump always says, "Stupid is as stupid does."

Charlie Brown is a trusting, naive individual who has Lucy's best interests at heart. He believes there is goodness in her and she prides herself off being able to fool him. You see, Lucy knows Charlie Brown. She watches him and learns from him in order to side wind him in the end. And that, my friends, pisses me off. She's a deceitful bwitch. How can Charlie Brown NOT see that?! Because he trusts her and has her best interests at heart, that's what blinds him. He believes there is good in her.

Trouble is, he may have had his doubts, but it was too late. By the time he realized what was happening, she had removed the ball and he was flat on his back. Sorry Charlie Brown, but didn't you see it coming. He should have seen it coming, but he didn't. He was full speed, determined, anxious and excited; only to be let down and disappointed and left to feel foolish for having been so trustworthy to begin with. I'm with you Charlie Brown, ... mi ese.

Charlie Brown is not wrong for believing the goodness of Lucy and forgiving her for all the times she tricks him. Although he is kind of a depressing individual and blames himself for it all as though he deserves it; he does not deserve it. Lucy, on the other hand, is wrong. It is all about her intentions. She intended to make Charlie Brown feel and look pathetic and stupid. She already knows how she can and because she knows she can, she does it. That, my friends is wrong. She is taking advantage of him.

If you know someone is trusting and has your best interests at heart, Christian or not, you have no right to use that to your advantage. What advantage, you ask? Well, what was Lucy's advantage? To make herself feel more powerful, to make Charlie Brown look foolish, there are all sorts of things; however, it is wrong. Even she knows it's wrong, but she keeps doing it because she feeds off from it.

That's the key to it all; what we feed off from. Some of you feed off the kindness and naivety of others; some of you feed off from helping others; some of you feed off manipulation; some of you feed of "playing the victim" or "playing dumb"; while still others of you feed off from others pain and hurt. Charlie Brown feeds off naivety, while Lucy feeds off the control and power. So why do I feel like Charlie Brown? Well, I'll tell you. Because I have been feeding off the belief that people are good and Christians wouldn't knowingly, take advantage of and hurt other Christians.

The thing that bothers me the most is when they act as though they were the victims all along. Oh the things I'd like to say ... then eat a jar of red peppers and wash it back with a bottle of Palmolive brand dishsoap. Yummy.

All joking aside, life is not fair and I need to come to terms with that concept ... quick, fast and in a hurry before I get side winded (again) by another Lucy out there. I need to be on guard. I should have all along, but I didn't. I picture myself like the French cousin of Jerry the mouse in Tom & Jerry; his sword to the ready, "On guard ... hi-ya ... hi-ya... ... Touche a la Pussy Cat". The sad reality is this - Christian or not, I need to guard my heart. The world is an unsafe place and so are its' people. I need to be more aware and vigalent of its dangers and the threats that could be lurking in my own backyard. That's not to say that I won't be fooled again, but at least I will have taken the repsonsibility for it; unlike some. But that is a whole nother blog.

God has His hand in this somewhere. I need to learn to trust him with the Lucy's in life and come to terms with the fact that He has my best interests at heart, even when the Lucy's of this world don't.

Fruit to be Praised

2008-02-26T09:10:00.015-05:00

I love fruit. I love apples and bananas, strawberries and oranges, kiwi and asssorted berries and so many more. They are so sweet and yummy. Just writing about it makes me want to eat some.... My husband loves fruit as well and has planted many trees in our yard; orange, lemon, lime, avocado, mango and a couple more that I can't quite remember.

The trees he planted are still very small; some are only two years old. My husband takes care of his trees because he wants them to one day produce fruit; good fruit. I would like to have the trees produce good fruit as well; however, I don't really have anything to do with the hard work it takes in bearing good fruit. My man does all the work and the children and I will reap the benefits of such work. It's seems logical that he should labor for us; in fact it is Biblical that my man should toil and labor in order to produce and care for this family. This particular toiling and laboring; however, is something my man enjoys. The fruits he will bring us will give him great joy in sharing; he will be proud and I will be so proud of him for his determination and hard work.
I love to watch him work. I love to see him in the backyard fidgetting with the trees and making the stream around them just so; giving them a certain amount of "food" and water, covering them in the cold. It puts a smile on my face as I think and write of it all.

I can't wait to tell my man, "I am so proud of you", "You did a great job with this tree", or "This fruit is amazing". And I know he can't wait to hear it. It is engrained in him to hear the words, "I am so proud of you." He thrives on it.

Truth be told, there are many of us who thrive on the praises of others. But not in a proud, haughty sense; in a natural, longing way. The way in which a child desires the praises of his/her parents when he/she accomplishes the daunting task of tying his/her own shoes for the first time without the help of an unsuspecting sibling.

But what if I never gave my man praise? What if I did not offer acclamations to my son or daughter upon their accomplishments? Would they know I care? Would they learn to seek praise properly? Would they learn to offer praise unto others?

Unfortunately, the answers to those questions are not pleasing to most. If my man never heard praise from me, his ears would be attune to listen to it from anyone; hence one reason men cheat. If my son and daughter never heard me speak over them the praises they need to hear, they would not learn to give praise to others, nor would they have any sense of accomplishment.

Everyone needs to hear "good job" every once in a while, even when it may be undeserving.
Even though your praises may fall on deaf ears. Even if your acclamations go in one ear and out the other. You give praise and hope the one who hears it will be encouraged, inspired, enthused (and all the other e and i words that mean "to encourage"). It all boils down to motive. The motive on your part and the motive on the part of the individual who either offers you praise or hears praise from you.

If my motives are wrong and intended to bring something unto myself; any praise I offer will be in vain. It's two fold. If the person whom I pour praises into has ill motives, then the praises are in vain. So what's the point? The point is, there will be no fruit. No yummy, sweet, delicious fruit. No fruit for me, no fruit for the person I offer praise to. Confused?
Ok. Say you have a tree. You water it, but the water has a lot of chemicals. You feed it, but maybe you feed it too much, or with the wrong food. When it's cold, you are too cold and tired to go cover it from the elements. Ya see where I'm going? You want the fruit, but you are unwilling to do the work and your motives are wrong; selfish; lazy. You'd rather have someone else do it for you, while you just watch the tree bloom and produce wonderful fruit for your own enjoyment at the expence of someone else.

Now, what if I know my encouragement will inspire someone to do something for me?
Again, motive. Duh!?
If I am doing it for the benefit of myself at the expense of someone elses heart and hurt, it is wrong. Plain and simple.
But, you ask, what if that person to whom you give praise, enjoys the work they are doing for you as well as the praise you give? Well, good question. Still, my answer is an equal an opposite question; what's your motive?

Whether my man enjoys laboring at his yard work or not is not the question. I know he enjoys it, but others looking in may not know that. My man needs to hear it and know that I mean it. My man needs to be affirmed and reassured in his labor; his work is not in vain.
My motive: To please my man.
His motive: To please me and our children.

If you want others to do the work for you while you enjoy the harvest and the beautiful fruit at the expence of someone elses hard work .... while you may praise them, your praise is unheard and in vain.
Your motive: To please yourself.
My (or the 'others') motive: To please you.
You see, you would be getting all the pleasure at the other persons expence. Yes, that person may enjoy the work they are doing for you; but their motives are just, fair, right. Your motives aren't.

The Bible calls this kind of thing "flattery" and warns us to be careful. See Jude 16, Psalm 12:1-4, Proverbs 26:28, I Thessalonians 2:1-12. Be careful with your words. Those whom you sprinkle flattery on may not even be aware of your intentions. It is unfair to them and not very kind of you; especially if you call yourself a Christ-follower. You should know better. However; there are many among you who are on their guard due to your uncensored flattery. They live by this old adage: Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Being particularly cautious of those who take up the cross and follow Christ. Now that's a shame.

So, what to do .... what to do ....
Seek forgiveness from God. Ask the person whom you have offended to forgive you. Be honest with yourself and with the person whom you have taken advantage of. Maybe it's your spouse, friend, group member, sister, son, daughter; who knows. The fact is, you can't continue riding the feathers of a bird whose wings are breaking. The wings will eventually break and you will both fall. How fast and how hard is up to you.

Do the right thing. Seek forgiveness for your selfishness.
Ask God to cleanse you and give you a pure heart; pure motives.
Hey, we've all been there. It's part of living in a world where God won't walk. It's not that he doesn't want to; in fact that's what Jesus, his son, was for. The sacrifice. The appeasement. The atonement. So, just do it. What are you waiting for? The person you have been taking advantage of may not even be aware of it ... but you are. And that, my friend, makes all the difference.

So, do everyone around you a big, huge, favor and give praise properly, with the right motives. It's a battle for some.
Ask God to shut you up, if you think you can't give proper praise.
Trust me, he'll be glad to. And others will be glad for it.

Things I Thought I Could Handle

2008-02-21T10:39:00.004-05:00

I thought I could handle falling off my bike for the first time, not sucking my thumb, kissing a boy, lying to my parents, being a Mom, living with my husband's snoring. I thought I could handle loving an unloveable child, caring for someone who doesn't care, doing for someone who wouldn't do for me. I thought I could handle understanding other's logic, controling the pain, holding back the tears. Thought I could handle losing my friends, being afraid, and difficult situations. I thought I could handle it all.
I was wrong.
And those are just some of the things I thought I could handle.

Many times, I look at my life and think it's going pretty well, considering. Considering what? Considering lots of things. Loss, hurt, pain, sorrow, you name it.

Last night, I was forced to come to terms with myself. And guess what? I didn't like it.
The terms are still under negotiations, but I can tell you some of them under scrutiny.
One is the fact that I can't make people do what is right for them.
I'd like to. In fact I'd like to give some people a swift kick in the buttocks or ask them to take a long walk off a short peir.

Another is the realization that not everyone has my best interests at heart. All of us have a tendancy to be selfish. Not one of you can say you haven't been a bit selfish lately. Besides what would you do with a pint of your favorite Ben&Jerry's ice cream and a room full of kids. Hide it.... and save it for a quiet night when noone is around; where you can snuggle with your B&J's, a spoon, a banket and a favorite movie. Hey, it's your ice cream, you can do what you want with it, but I bet your first instinct is not to share. Maybe you have your own thing you feel uncomfortable sharing. Mine is Ben&Jerry's ice cream. Get your own.

And yet another realization is that I am not alone in my battle with self. Sometimes I think things that others don't. And when I ask them about it, they are shocked with me for thinking such foolery. Yet I still wonder.....

And still another is doubt. I could go on, but as I said, it is still under negotiation.
I say this because, it is up to me to accept the terms that have been given me.
What terms, you may be thinking.... well, that is a great thought.
The terms I would need to accept these conditions under is "acceptance".
Accept things. As they are.
Accept people. As they are.
Accept situations. As they are.
Accept circumstances. As they are.

That doesn't necessarily mean I don't have choices. It just means I will have to learn to accept things I never thought I needed to before last night. Try to change it as I might, the fact remains, the only person who can change is myself. I can't change the person, the circumstances, the situations, the weather; but I can change me.

You'd think with all that I have gone through I would know that by now. But life has a funny way of showing me how wrong I have been. I'm not at all comfortable with this journey. I am even more aware of how unprepared I am for it; and that is not like me to be unprepared for anything. Can I get a "What! What!"?
What?
What?
For those who know me, I'm always prepared for everything. Yes, everything. Even periods.
Hey, ya never know when someone might need a tampon. Things happen like that, ya know.
I thought everyone was like me..... yet, another realization I have to come to terms with and negotiate over.

King David and The Queen Jessy

2008-02-20T17:52:00.008-05:00

I betcha'd like to know what that title's all about wouldn't ya?
Well, I'll tell ya. King David wrote most of the book of Psalms (that's a book in the Bible, for those of you who didn't know). He had a lot of issues with injustice and why the wicked were so fortunate in their circumstances. I gotta tell ya, I'm having some issues.....
One of my issues is with injustice, not so much with the wicked prospering (for now anyway).

I have been working on this group project. And for those of you who know me, I strive for perfection and have great difficulty dealing with those who don't, or rather do, but hope others will do all the working hard for them so they won't have to (and still get the credit for it). Needless to say, I have been a little perplexed and upset about it the last six and a half weeks. Praying was not exactly top priority for me. It was more like ordering. Well, no.... actually demanding.

I have been demanding God to "Fix it ... Now". It's not fair that there are some of us who are working and sacrificing while others are going about their lives the same as always not even trying to understand what is going on. It's frustrating, annoying and down right unfair! And to top it all off, we will share the same grade.

What are the alternatives? Turn in the work that is not up to par and accept a lower grade to teach the person a lesson. Ouch. Would it work? What if the person is ok with a "C" or even a "D" or oh, boy, this is gonnna hurt, ... an (gulp) an ... "F". Could I or the group accept this?
I know I couldn't. Could you? Would you?

Now, I don't mind helping someone who needs help. Even if I think this person doesn't deserve it. I do it because I think it is expected of me. Why, you ask? I'm not sure. I think it's been ingrained in me to help others. Even when I don't want to or think they deserve it. It's really not about what they deserve. I mean, I would like to think they would help me if I needed it. But that's not why I do it either. However, in this case - I really have to ask myself - would they help me if I really needed it? Or would they pass me by? My gut tells me I would probably be passed by; not by all the members of the group. The person would probably think, "What!? The Jessy doesn't understand something? She must be joking?" No, seriously, they would. Wouldn't you? Come on .... I know you would think the same way.... That is, if you knew me.

That's one of the reasons I feel I have been unfairly treated; besides the fact that hard work has been done by others and the person who has done little is going to get the same grade as those of us who have worked hard and gone above and beyond to get an "A". I mean, isn't that the point? Getting an "A", I mean.

People, my familiy included, seem to think I am some kind of superwoman. Well, I'm no Karyn White, either. Even though I may portray an image that I can handle most anything, I really can't. It is because of this image, I believe people choose to dump on me. As it relates to this group project, people seem to think that they can get away with out doing much because, "The Jessy knows what she's doing, so she'll pick up the slack for me." That may very well be true, but you'd be wrong in assuming I enjoy it. As I stated earlier, I like to help others, but not when the only reason they want my help is to make their lives easier, or to get themselves a better grade than they could have gotten on their own.

Now that's injustice. That is unfair and altogether poopa-doop.
Now, I mentioned earlier that I demanded God to do something about it... like, Now. We all know that God's idea of Now and our idea of Now are two very different ideas. Ya see, my idea of Now, would have been after the first week of injustice, not the sixth and a half week of it. But, hey, who am I?

Sooouuuh, this morning I get this email from Bobb Biehl:
God's Student
"If you feel misused, abused, or taken advantage of today - you may be seeing yourself as a victim. When we are victimized, we can focus on the wrong another person has done to us. This path is negative and destructive. When we focus here, it will keep us focused on the past, and will eventually turn us into very bitter, negative, fearful people.
Or, we can look for the 'life lessons' we learned as a result of the wrong someone has done. This path is positive and constructive. It lets the wound heal, and we can move beyond the past and into the future. See yourself as God’s student, not life’s victim."

So, thank you, God. You see the big picture, you know the thoughts and feelings of everyone in this group. You know the hearts and the sentiments. You know our nature and it is not altogether good. So, I thank you, God, for not always coming to my rescue Now, but rather making me go through the muck and guck of it all. I got dirty on this one and I am sure it won't be the last time; but I do know this: I will be extremely cautious the next time I hear, "I want to be in Jessy's group." echo in the distance.

Teach on, God, I'll be waiting ... and watching.

Feelings... La lalala Feelings...

2008-02-19T07:05:00.000-05:00

Feelings. Happy, sad, scared, mad, glad, ticked, mushy, icky, jealous, angry, gushy, and the list goes on and on and on. But how bout the feelings passionate, excited, motivated, failure.
Are those feelings or just things we convince ourselves about in order to keep us on track?
I am in grad school for counseling psychology. It's only my second semester but I gotta tell you, I feel like quitting. It's not that I can't do it, but I just don't feel like it anymore.
Ever been there?
My husband and I homeschool our two kids. There are many times when all of us don't feel like homeschooling. So what keeps us going? For me, it's the sense of security, knowing my kids are safe with me at home. However, this year has been the most challenging.
Don't get me wrong, we all love being home together, the breaks we get, the work we accomplish, but we are all reaching a point of being tired, spent. I can see it in my children's work and their attitudes regarding school. But hang-on.... does that mean give up and quit? Surely not.
Here's the thing. I am committed to my children and their education, but my committment to them can only go as far as our desire for their education. I am commmitted to graduating from PBA, but my committment can only go as far as my desire for it. So, what feeds my desire to educate, and continue grad school? Acheivement and success. When I feel successful and a sense of acheivement, I want to continue. Same with my kids.

Do I feel a sense of acheivement and success? No. Not with my children or my education. I feel like a failure. My daughter is way, way behind and will be held back this year, my son has taken second grade twice; although the second time around has been a vast improvement, I still feel as though I failed him. However, this is the first time in years I've witness failure with regards to my daughter and school. I am very sad. Sad that she gave up, sad that she lost sight of her goal, sad that she made poor choices.

Why would this cause me to want to surrender my own education? Good question.
I feel like a failure. That sense of failure is like an electric blanket that keeps me warm on a cold night. It covers all. But is it true? Auh. Now that's an even better question.
Truth. My daughter is going to fail 7th grade and because I am her teacher, I feel as though it is my fault. Enter truth. We had an agreement, a pact. She failed to meet it. So, it is my fault? No. But what's to prevent me from feeling this way. Truth. That's all there is. The truth is she did not take her education seriously, she chose to play when she should have been studying. She chose to day dream when she should have been working. She chose to deceive rather than face the truth. That hurts me because I love her so much and want to see her be successful. I am sad because I trusted her and thought she was going to be responsible. I was wrong and feel as though it is my fault for giving her responsibility she wasn't ready for.

But hang on.... As a parent, is it not my job to monitor and set limits and monitor some more in order to gadge the level of trust and responsibility? Uh, that would be affirmative. I spent a long time in prayer and gave her responsibility for what I knew she could handle. She had proven her level of responsibility to me through three years of homeschooling. It had steadily been on the rise. We talked it over, made agreements with each other and it was all said and done.

It reminds me of going to the doctors and you find out you have a heart condition and the only remedy is a healthy diet and moderate exercise. The doctor tells you what you need, you agree and then leave. Now, you are on your own. You know what you should do, but are you going to do it. You are responsible enough to do it, so will you? Will it be easy? No. But that's not the point. The point is this: Do you want to live or die.

As it relates to my daughter, does she want to pass or fail? Apparently, she would rather fail. Question. Is it the doctor's fault, then when you return for your check-up and your conditions have worsened and now you need a transplant? Of course not. You chose to live your life the way you wanted it, to have fun and play; while sacrificing your health.
Question. Is it my fault then, when my daughter returns for her evaluation and she shows me little work. No, of course not. She chose to live her life the way she wants it and have fun and play; while sacrificing her education.

The trouble isn't with me knowing that it is not my fault, the trouble is with feeling that it is not my fault. I didn't fail her. She failed herself. That doesn't make me feel any better.

Now, should I give up my education because my daughter will repeat 7th grade?
Of course not. I'd be an idiot. But it doesn't change the feel of it. I am committed to my education and I am committed to my children's education. Should I then take them out of school completely because they have failed. It's called truancy ... and No! I like staying out of jail, thank-you. Failure happens. It does not define who we are or what we are. It just means we failed. It doesn't mean I am a failure, it just means that my daughter failed 7th grade. If is sounds like I am still trying to convince myself that it isn't my fault somehow, you would be correct in your assertions.
I will still be their teacher and their mom and their biggest cheerleader.
No matter where they are.
I will still feel like I have failed them from time to time.
No matter where they are.
I guess that's why they call it parenting. But that's a whole nother bolg ... stay tuned.

I Dont' Feel So Good

2008-02-18T07:31:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those days where the bed and the bathroom have become your new best friends? Mine was yesterday. Yes, thank you, it was most enjoyable. I would; however, like to make a suggestion to the makers of "The John": include a reachable flushing device.
I needn't say more.
Today, I feel better; that is to say, I have given the two bff's a break from me. Too much together time with a bff can cause some stress; let alone two bff's. One would argue over who was having the most time with me; it's wasn't enjoyable. Especially when one bff is cold and hard and the other makes you hot and sweaty. They don't mean to be that way, it's just how they are.

One comfort through this was my man. I love my man. I mean, who is their right mind would cater to a whiny, sweaty, hot and ornery person all day? He rubbed my back, cuddled me, played with my hair, let me turn the fan on and freeze so I would be comfortable, let me twitch and fuss to find the right spot to lay my head down. What a sweet guy. What a pal. What a bff.

My man is my all time best friend. He knows when I am worn out, tired, at my best, my worst, sad, happy, stressed and PMS'd. He knows when to be quiet, as most men should, and when to speak (at least when I am sick); can't say he's good at it all the time; but he tries. He looks out for me, takes care of me, holds my hand, carries my bags, walks me to the car, let's me sleep in, washes the car, prays for me, and he makes being sick, not so bad.

I can tell my man anything and he loves me anyway. I can cry and he holds me. I can be angry and he still cares for me. I can look like the night of the living dead and he still wants me. I can lose it all and he would be with me. He stands by me. What a man.

It reminds me a lot of God's love for me. No matter what I say or do; no matter how I feel or act; no matter how I look, God loves me. God will always love me. As healthy or as sick as I may be, he will never leave me. He will always be with me. He stands by me. What a God.

I pray you can say this about your bff's, your man and most importantly, your God.
If, not, I pray the opportunity would arise for you to experience God like never before. May he open the eyes of your heart to witness things around you as you've never seen.

You Can't Always Get What You Want ... but hang on...

2008-02-13T16:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever met someone who thinks they are entitled?
Ya know, the person who thinks they can cut in line in front of you and you won't mind. Or the person who thinks it's okay to smoke in the no smoking area; when there's a designated smoking area within 25 feet. Or the person who thinks it's okay to be in the 10 items or less line with a buggy full of groceries and you're behind them with a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. Or the person who thinks it's okay to park in the handicap spot; they may have a sticker, but you know they aren't anymore handicap than you are on a bad day. Or the person who parks in the fire lane and blocks the traffic in and out of the parking lot while they wait for their kids to get out of school all because parking the car would take too much time.
I know you've met one or two, perhaps you've even been one or two.
Doesn't it just get your goat?
If we were kids on a playgroud and had certain rules to follow, I betcha one of those entitled individuals would be beating erasers after school.
But we're not kids any more.
Or are we?

I've been wondering ... those who I've been observing lately who walk around with a huge "entitlement" sign attached to their foreheads (and some on their derrière). You know what I've witnessed? You really want to know?
It's like watching a spoiled child. Ya know the ones we all shake our heads at when we see them and say an extra prayer for the parent.
Yeah, those kids. The brats. The whiners. The complainers. The snots. The ones you always wanted to push down the slide at recess ... or knock their lights out ...

I see a lot of grown-ups acting this way. I have even seen it in myself. Ick. Blah. What an awful reminder of how badly we need to be spanked. Spiritually butt kicked.
You don't know how badly I want to just scream sometimes at the complacency of it all. Have we come so far as to continue to allow this nonsense?
Just as a parent would not continue to spoil their child for their own sakes, why do we continue to spoil our society into thinking it's okay to take what you want; it's okay to hurt someone's feelings; it's okay to cheat, lie, steal, budge, or annoy as long as you get what you deserve.
But we all know what every spoiled child needs. .... ...
Be nice. I know what you're thinking and I wasn't going to suggest that.
They need love and a sence of security. They need to know that even though they may not be getting what they want, it doesn't mean they aren't loved or safe.
The trouble is, it doesn't seem to work with spoiled, entitled adults.
In fact, I dare you to try. See what kind of results you get.
I am willing to bet you will get a series of excuses as to why they think they are entitled, no matter what you suggest. And try telling them their excuses are the craddle which Satan rocks them to sleep.

So, what to do ... what to do ...
To be honest, I really don't know. I can tell you what I'd like to do (or say), but it wouldn't be very lady like. Or for that matter very Christian like.
And that brings me to another important point that I left out. These spoiled, rotten, entitled adults I've wittnessed recently are Christians. Yep. All of them.
So, what to do ... what to do ...
Now that's a whole new spin on it isn't it?
Are we not supposed to be lights? Can darkness and light share the same space?

I think the problem is this, plain and simple.
We Christians, myself included at times, truly believe we are entitled.
"It's a Christian school and I'm a teacher here, so I'm allowed to park in the fire lane and wait for my kids. In fact, I'm allowed to leave my car here all day if I so choose. What can they do?"
Or, "There was no one in this express lane and the cashier didn't say anything, so too bad. Besides, I'm in a hurry. You won't mind waiting."
How bout this one, "I'm always late. It's just my nature. You understand."
Those of us who do this think we're "allowed", others think we're arrogant, pompous.
Not a very nice message we're sending.

Listen, people, one hyphenated word you know well ....
GROW-UP! (Hebrews 5:11-6:1)
You're supposed to be mature Christians, not spoiled, bratty, entitled, whiny babies.
Some of you are still suckin on your baba, or your bobo, and pooping in your pants, expecting others around you to clean up and understand. And some are even crawling around with their receiving blankets and thumbs in their mouths.
Listen, just because you are a Christian doesn't entitle you to whatever you think you deserve.
Because quite honestly, you don't deserve anything.
Now, put your bobos away, set your blankets down, get your thumbs out of your mouths and stop, for pete's sake, pooping in your pants.
You are to be mature. Act more like it. Make yourself presentable to those who may not even know you are a Christian. Because if they see what I see, they may not want to hear anything about your God, or your faith, or your church, no matter how great you think it is.
Trust me. I've been on the other end of what I'm saying.
If you see what I see and really see it, you wouldn't listen to you either. I wouldn't listen to me.

People are watching you. God is watching you.
Don't you care about the image you are portraying?
Don't you want to draw people to Him?
Or would you rather people despise you and what you represent?
Or better yet, would you rather have them say you're just like all the rest?

I don't. And I've been just like all the rest.
I don't want to go back.
Please stop being so childish.
Put your big boy or big girl pants on and grow up.

Monkey in the Middle

2008-02-12T21:33:00.000-05:00

I love that game. The power of being the person outside throwing the ball over the head or over the side of the "monkey in the middle". Now if you've never played the game you are truly missing out. It's a three person or more game, with one person in the center and everyone on the outer circle, keeps the ball away from the person in the middle. The object of the person in the middle is to finally catch the ball. When the ball is caught by the person in the middle, the person who threw the ball becomes the "monkey in the middle".
Oh, it's a most fabulous game. You must play it.
The worst part is actually being the monkey. That feeling of being left out, unable to get the ball and everyone around you taunting and laughing at all your attempts to catch the ball. They may even trick you by looking as though you are about to throw it in one direction, only to end up throwing it in an entirely new direction, forcing you to remain in the middle.
Drats and double drats.

Although, I have just discribed a very fun, energetic and highly competitive game, there are times in my life when I feel like the monkey in the middle always trying to catch the ball and failing; only to be taunted and laughed at. I try so hard to catch the damn ball and can't ever reach it. Either because someone tricks me and throws it in the opposite direction from which he/she is looking, or someone else throws it so high above me, it is a mathmatical impossibility for me to catch it; let alone a physical impossibility, leaving me to feel left out and unsuccessful.

If I sound a bit aggitated, it's because I am. I try hard in life to catch the ball, to reach higher, to strive for excellence, only to feel left out and discouraged. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't always happen, there are times, when I catch the ball and someone else gets the torture of being in the middle; however, if always seems like they're never in the middle very long before they catch the ball I've thrown and I am back in the middle again.

So, what to do, what to do. ... curse, punch a wall, scream in a pillow, yell at the cat .... ?
The answer is ... drum roll please .... .... .... .... brrr brrr brrr ... patience, understanding, relativity, and prayer.
Why patience? Well, because everything in life involves some level of patience. My least favorite term and place to visit. Understanding, because I need to understand what I am in the middle for. There is a reason and a season for everything under heaven. Relativity, because, well, everything is relative. I won't always be in the middle and at least being in the middle will teach me what it is like for somene else who may end up in the middle. Prayer, because God commands that I take all my concerns to him because he cares about me. He may not reveal things to me the way I would like, but there is reassurance in the fact that he cares. Maybe not a whole lot of reassurance when I've been in the middle for over an hour, but enough. Prayer also, because he knows when I am broken. And there are times in my life, as well as yours, when being in the middle has broken you. God is near to the broken hearted. Being broken is a good place to be.
NOT a fun place, but a good place.
For me, perhaps, it's a good starting place.
Starting because, I don't know what I am supposed to learn from this game.
Starting because I am so used to playing games like this with God and keeping the ball away from him, rather than giving him the ball ... and I don't think he hesitates in keeping me in the middle to teach me a thing or two ...

So .... eeeee ... ooooo.... eeee..oo..eee...oooo (scratching arm pits) eee...ooooo ..... eeee (eating bugs and bananas) I'll continue to be the monkey in the middle for as long as it takes to actually catch the ball without pride, resentment, hostility, bitterness, anger or fear. I have to be willing to let God do with me what he sees fit for me, not tell God what I think is well fit for me and expect him to move and get me out of the middle. I need to be humble and confident.
Humble, because, as I have recently learned (again) because I can't do it alone, as I have a tendency to think I can; and confident because I know he is able. I can do nothing without him. For he is the vine and I am the branches, if I am not a part of him, I will not be successful. I can do nothing without him. Nothing. I need to rest in that. Truly rest. ... and be content in my current monkey in the middle situation.

The Wax Museum

2008-02-11T15:26:00.000-05:00

If you've ever been to a museum, you've seen wax creations of some sort. Some of them look so incredably real, you actually want to touch it just to be sure.
After Sunday's message at C3, I realized, I could be one of those wax creations and you wouldn't even know it. I would look real, but you'd have to actually get real close and "touch" me to actually find out. I'm not always a wax statue. I can morphe into a real person when I feel comfortable or safe.
I almost reminds me of the 1987 movie "Mannequin" wih Andrew McArthy. His character designs mannequins and later, to his surprise, one of his creations came to life. However, she only came to life around him, no one else.
Odd. But the sad reality of it is there are those of us who are mannequins and perform the jobs that are expected of us night and day; to only be our true selves in the presencof those around us who are safe.
But is it always necessary to become ones self only in the presence of that safe person, or can growth and healing come when we reveal our identity to those around us. Would there be any real danger? Would we truly be exposed for the fakes that we believe ourselves to be? Would we be just as safe as we would with our one true love as the mannequin was with Andrew McArthy's character?
I think, in the end, it's alright to reveal ourselves at the appropriate times to certain individuals who may help us to feel safe. It will take time, I'm sure. I'm still working on being myself and enjoying who that person is. It's scary because I don't always know what the person on the other side of the looking glass is going to do once they see the real me. It's a journey, though and I am willing to give it a try.

Disappointment and Expectations

2008-02-10T14:08:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been disappointed by life?
Ever had expectations that you prayed and prayed over that were never met or still aren't being met? Hop on the bus, Gus.
I have yet to meet someone who has not been disappointed by life or expectations that could have easily been met and weren't.
I don't have any grand explanation for it, but I sure wish someone did.
Nearly everytime I think I have my husband, or my son, or my mom, or my daughter figured out, life throws a monkey wrench on the mix and stops the clock. It's so frustrating to navigate through this life without knowing if there is a significant point or resolution in the making.
But, ya see, there is. It's not simple, or by any means logical, but it is easy. The difficulty is actually doing it.
Wanna know what it is?
It's called prayer and petition. It's called patience.
The Bible says, in the book of James that one who prays without faith, is like a wave being tossed about by the wind. He is referring to asking God for wisdom. When we pray, we should alwsy seek God's will in our lives and give him our cares; however, we need also ask for the wisdom and discernment in order to navigate through life more effectively.
Now, I'm not saying prayer will automatically bring you reassurance or peace, but it has a way of bringing us to a better understanding of God's.
If he gave us everything we asked him for because we thought we were ready, we would be no better off than most spoiled children you see in the grocery store whose mother buys the candy for the screaming child just to shut him or her (or both) up.
Is the candy good for them? Surely not.
Is the mother's ability to give in so quickly good for them? Not at all.
Is the word "No" good for them? Yes. Yes, it is.
Would ignoring the children's cries and leaving the store be such a bad thing? No, that's why we have Exedrin.
Would the children learn a lesson? Yes, most possibly, but not if the mother continuously gave in to their cries.

Is anybody out there? Are you catching the drift?
If we give our grocery list and our expectations to God and he says "no" or "wait" we think we've done something wrong and try to make restitution in order to get what we want.
More than likely, that doesn't work. That's probably why most of you single people are still single.
Sometimes God just says "no" or "wait" to teach us to trust him, he knows what's best for us, he knows what's good for us, he wants to teach us something, or maybe he knows (as one of my dear friends told me) we aren't ready yet, we only think we are.
God created us, from the very beginning when the sperm met the egg. He knows our thoughts before we think them, our words before we say them and our actions before we perform them.
I don't know about you, but I think I would want someone like that to watch over me.
The trouble is, I think I know better that God does regarding my needs, wants and expectations.
It's when we think we know better than God does that we end up hurting like the crying child hurts when Mommy ignores his cries and leaves the store without the candy.
Eventually the hurt and anger goes away and is replaced with love, smiles and a greater sence of trust. The child knows his mommy loves him, but the child is self absorbed and self centered; just like us. Just like the child, we cry and wine and pout when God or life for that matter, doesn't meet our expectations, but we soon learn to trust and love God because we learn to discover how much he loves us.

So, don't give up. Keep praying and asking God for wisdom and discernment regarding his will.
He loves you. He knows what's best for you. Sometimes, he is going to say "no" or "wait" and then ignore your begging, pleading and whining, leaving the store without getting you what you cried so hard for. However, he is leaving the store with you. It's up to you whether or not you choose to trust him for who he is, not for what you can get from him.
I wonder what you'll choose. To accept it, trust him and remain faithful or remain angry and eventually become bitter because he didn't give you what you wanted.

A Fabulous Smoothy

2008-02-09T08:54:00.000-05:00

I love smoothies. My husband makes the best papaya smoothies. Everytime he takes out the blender and starts putting the ingredients together, it reminds me of my current famliy situation. You see, I am a step mom; although we don't use that terminology in this house, I am. My two children are mine by heart, but not by nature.
The reason the blender reminds me of my situation is because our family is still being blended together. My husband's children, a thirteen and ten year old, love me dearly, but there are still matters of the heart that cause some lumps in our relationship.
Making a smoothy takes time and energy. Time to put the ingredients together, and the energy of the blender to blend everything.
Sometimes, I want to be the blender and make all the ingredients mix up and be done with it so I can take part of the goodness. However, if I am the blender, how then can I be part of the smoothy goodness? Uh-Ha! Everytime my impatience gets the better of me to want a smooth concoction, I leave the mixture to become the blender. Well, let's imagine, for a moment that I am the ice in the blender for this marvolous smoothy. Everybody knows that a smoothy is not a smoothy without the proper amount of ice.
So, knowing that an item cannot be in two places at the same time, or be two objects at the same time, how can I possibly be the blender and be the ice in the blender?
The answer: I can't. It's a physical, mathmatical impossibility.
The same is true for my presious family. If I emotionally, physically, spiritually or psychologically "check-out" of my responsibility as a step-mom, then the family as a whole, will not accomplish what it is intended to be.
It will not be a smoothy.
And in this analogy, it wouldn't be a family.
It's an ongoing process and takes work from all those involved. Everything in the blender and the blender its self. My job is to let the blender do its job and stay in the blender.
So, who then is the blender, you ask? God, of course. So, I need to trust him and be the ice and not grumble or complain about how long it is taking or why.
Not an easy task, trust me. I have a tendancy to think I can do a better job than God.
Can anybody hear me?
God knows what he is doing and whether his speed is fast or slow, he is working. I don't always have to see it to know or experience it. And someday, we all, as a family will be able to taste the marvelous goodness of the finished smoothy. Someday.

How to be Perfect: A Recipe for Disaster

2008-02-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

2 cups insecurity
1 cup jealousy
4 cups pride
1/2 cup contempt
3/4 cup bitterness
1 cup anger
1 tsp stubborness
2 tbls arrogance

Add insecurity, jealousy, pride and contempt together until you witness seething. Quickly add bitterness to the mix until mixture becomes hard and callous. In a serperate bowl bring anger and stubborness to a boil until it turns red. Mix together with the pride mixture until is reaches a dark, rough texture. Place mixture in a well suited, non-transparent conatiner. Sprinkle with arrogance for flavor.

This is my idea of perfection.
Know how I know?
Because I am driven to be perfect every day. What most people don't know it that underneath the beatiful exterior is a recipe for disastor. I have to be dilligent in every area of my life in order to prevent this recipe from destroying my life.
I work hard at making the recipe look good, but if you taste it you would know that it isn't.
Jesus says, taste and see that I am good.
He has a recipe I can use to replace my existing one.
Want it?

4 cup forgivness
2 cup honor
1 cup love
3 cup grace
2-1/2 cup mercy
4 tbsp tears
2 tsp prayer

Add forgiveness, honor, love and grace together. Mix until mixture is smooth. Slowly sift grace into the mixture, stirring carefully. In a seperate bowl, add mercy and tears, stir until it turns white, then add it to the grace mixture. Stir both together until contents are thouroughly mixed. Pour into a transparent container and sprinkle with prayer.
Serves all. Enjoy.

Rules and Fire Ants!

2008-02-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

Ya know, all my life I have been surrounded by rules. Rules subjected on me, by me and for me. Some were for my own good, some for others' own good. Now that I am older, and I won't say how much older, I think a lot about rules. I think mostly about keeping them and lately about how much better I am at keeping them than others. There, I said it. I'm better than most. Or am I? Hmmm.
God created us in His image but he also created us in love. At first he subjected us to all these rules; rules he knew we couldn't keep. Gee, that's obvious, I mean, he's God. We're like ants in comparison. However, we are beloved ants.
Now, where I live, we have lots of ants. Red, vicious, fire-hot biting ants. They come with a delux mount of sand or dirt, anywhere from three feet high to four feet in diameter; again, depending on the amount of dirt and of course the size of the colony.
I don't hesitate in telling you that I kill these venum inducing, itchy irritating varments. I kill them with a huge, victorious smile on my face. Just thinking about it makes me smile.
I say this because of another favorite word of mine called "perspective". Our perspective of fire ants is not so good because they bite us. All you have to do is stand in the proximity of an ant pile and, well, they'll come after you. They hurt us even when we aren't planning on getting a gigantic bag of fire ant killer and pooring over their unsuspecting souls. (boy, I sound vengeful)
That's one of the reasons why we kill them. There are others, like short circiuting your a/c units or your pool filters and other such electrical apparatus.
Perspective is important because we view the ants as a nuisance, which they are; however, just as we are like ants to God, he does not see us as a nuisance. In fact, it is just the opposite.
John 3:16, the most highly quoted scripture of all, states that God loved the world. The world would qualify as everything in and of the world, including fire ants (and us, of course).
When we loose sight of God's perspective, we lose sight of God. When we allow that to happen, our perspecitve gets skewed. Now who wants a skewed perspective? Not me.
In light of that, we all have perspectives that have become cloudy and jumbled. Even the best of us who keep as many rules as possbile (religious rules or not) still have faulty perspective.
Here's why.
It's not about the rules. It's about God.
It's not about my perspective. It's about God's.
Now, maybe I won't stop killing fire ants, but I sure will try my best not to "kill" my fellow "ants" because I find them irritating for not following the rules. Whether I like living in the same colony with all the other ants God put me with (or I put myself with) I need to have God's perspective of each little red, biting ant. My focus on the rules needs to be filtered with my focus on God and his perspective of me. Other wise, my pride will overcome me and the rules will be all that matter. Now that's a loss of perspective.

Swim for it!

2008-02-06T08:26:00.000-05:00

I cannot tell you how excited I am today. A project my group and I have been working on is coming close to its end. Three huge assignments are due next week. My heart is racing and the thoughts are catching up. I enjoy working on assignments, whether large or small. What I have found most challenging is group work.
I don't know about you, but for me, working in a group on the same project is kind of like swimming with a weight tied to your ankle. Now, I won't say how heavy the weight; that depends on the situation.
So, what to you do?
You could give up. But then you'd drown. No no no no. That wouldn't do.
You could tred water and scream for help until someone shows up (like a life guard maybe). Until you realize the sign, "No lifeguard on duty. Swim at you own risk!" Ok, so tredding water won't do.
Now you might be asking yourself how you got into this situation to begin with.
But that still won't help you with your current situation. You'll have to swim for shore.
With faith, hope, perserverance and my least favorite word patience; you can do it.

It will take time to make it to shore. You might be really frustrated along the way with no one there to help you; however, through your diligence and faith, your goal can be accomplished.
God may send someone or something your way.
Then again, he may not. Your only alternative it to have faith and hold tight to hope.
Be patient with your current situation. Keep swimming. Remain focused. You will make it to the shore in due time with your reward waiting for you; either a pay increase, a promotion, an "A++++", a new perspective, or in some cases, a new found friend.
Only God knows. And he's cheering you on.
Swim on!