Presence not Presents

What are you planning for Christmas this year?

Have you made promises to your family you can't make?

Have you offered them things you know you can't attain?

Feeling guilty? Feeling ashamed, embarrassed?

Believe it or not, not one single thing you put under that tree will replace you.

You children need you more than they need the latest advances in technology; and gettin down to the nitty gritty; you're only buying it to get close to them anyway.

Has it worked yet? All the things you have bought them; all the things they have asked for? You buy it to please them, to offer part of yourself to them, and yet where are they now?

Are they any closer to you now? Have all those gifts brought them nearer to you?

The answer is no, and you an I both know it.

What your children need is not presents but rather presence.

Your presence is by far more important than any gift you purchase for them based on simple want and desire, rather than need.

They don't need any of the things on the list; they want it.

What they need is you.

More of you.

All the things they have from you are just ways to replace you; it's safer that way, maybe even more reliable. When they turn to their multiple games (Xbox, playstations, Wii, etc), they know what to expect. When they turn to their multitude of friends they know what to expect.

But what about you?

When they turn to you, do they know what to expect?

Or are you an ever changing and unavailable person; proving yourself untrustworthy. In other words, "why should you be any different than anyone else whose abandoned me?"

Choose to offer them presence. Your presence; your time, not your money and your presents.

A simple conversation, cleaning their room together, help them with homework, sit with them, sit next to them, give them a hug, high five, the list goes on.

It isn't easy. Trust me, I know.

When you want so much for what you give them to be reciprocated, and it isn't.

It hurts, and sometimes it seems easier to just give them what they ask for so that at least it feels like you are being loved and appreciated for the time being; plus it's safer for you as well.

Guess what? Your kids feel the same. They avoid you, say things and do things that sting like a bee. It hurts like hell inside.

Don't give up. Just as you are holding on by a thread most days, trust me, so are your kids.
They need you.
They need to know you will be there.
They need to know that no matter what they say or do, you aren't leaving and you aren't sending them away.


You can show this to them by just spending time with them.
Presence not presents is what matters this Christmas.

Know that I Love you!
Hang in there; you are not alone in this journey.

Who says you can't be emotional?

What makes you think you can't display anger?

What about sadness?

Now why is it you shouldn't show your tears; allow them a voice?

Says who?

Your shrink? Your new found book?

What is the worst that could happen if you demonstrated how you felt?

You really believe that? How much do you believe that? Would it really make a difference?

Your child has probably suffered significant trauma.

Your child may not even know what any other emotion looks like outside of anger (unhealthy anger at that).

So, really, what's wrong with showing your child how you feel? Why would you hide it?

And did you know when you hide it from them, you are hiding it from yourself.

When you are sad, tell them and show them you are sad. Let the tears come; let them flow, give your tears a voice. Be an advocate for your feelings and your child.

When you are angry, tell them and show it (in a healthy way, of course); the same goes for any emotion. Let them be aware of your anger and the intensity of it; hence the reason you may have to give yourself a time out. The same goes for your sadness. If you are overwhelmed, obviously give your self some time away from the situation, but let your child know what is happening with you.

And please, do not blame them. Just tell them how you feel and whether you can be there or if you need some alone time; some Mommy time.

Tell them what you need. If you need a hug, ask for it. If you need them to wipe your tears, tell them. Tell them you need some away time; a time out for you so you won't say something inappropraite or make them feel bad.

Let them see your emotions; how else will they learn what they look like or what they mean.

You have to understand that many of these children have no idea whatsoever what emotions look like or how to express them. And if you are spending all your precious energy on hiding them from your child because "you don't want to let them to get the best of you or use your emotions to control you" then how will they learn emotions other than rage and anger.

Give your self a chance; give your child a chance to really "see" you for who you are.

You are worth it. You have a right to express how you feel and your child has the right to see it; to "see" you. How else will they know?

So, the next time you are sad, cry. Tell them "I could really use a hug right now". If they say no, it's ok ... It's not about you. They probably don't know what to do with that. It's ok. Give them time to process it. Maybe the next time they see you cry, they will be more willing to give you a hug or wipe your tears.

If they laugh at you, remember, it's not about you. It's about what is going on inside of them. Don't take it personal. They may think they are "victorious" for "making" you cry, but they probably don't have any idea how to cry for themselves. But someday they will, through you. Let your tears be a voice for them. Tell them your tears are for them, not because of them.

And don't forget to tell them how much your tears are a sign of tremendous love and compassion for them. Don't run away from your feelings; know when to take a time out and when to demonstrate healthy emotions.

Take a Breather

Okay parents, it's time for you to take some time for you.

Here's how it goes.

Seriously.

You sit down. Really SIT DOWN SOMEWHERE!

Anywhere. Sit on the floor for crying out loud.

Now,put your hands on your legs. Relax them.

Next. Close your eyes.
Think of any place you would rather be.
(Forget about what that noice was)

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in.
As if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!
Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

Now, do it again ....
at lest five times.

AT LEAST FIVE TIMES.

Now, Breath in through your nose ... all the air you can get.
Suck it all in, as if it's the last breath of air you will ever get!Hold it ... hold .... hold ... hold .... hold ....
Ok, hold it for as long as you can ....

Now ... let it out through your mouth.
Slow ... slow ... slow ... slow ...

There.
Now that you have fed your brain ...
Go back to being a Mom.

Before you go ...
Look in a mirror.

Right now

And tell yourself ... right now ... in the mirror.

I AM A GOOD MOM!


Take care of your of yourself and know that you are loved and thought of every minute of the day by someone.

Desperation

I know I told many of you that I would not be continuing this blog, but I have been praying and thinking about the possiblility of using this blog for a parent support group that I facilitate through an organization called Beyond Consequences, Inc. (BCI).

Then I read an email and the follow up story from Heather Forbes, co-founder of BCI and friend.

Before you go to the links, try to be open minded and non-judgemental. As angry and hurt as you may be when you read and listen to the reports, there are many things you may never understand.

There are times in life when not everything makes sence and this may be one of those times for you. Through this, I hope you will join me in trying to help those families who raise diffucult children; even those who have been adopted from here, elsewhere or though foster care.

Many of these children have been through so many ordeals as infants and then throughout their childhood; things you may think are of no consequence. Although you may think the trauma of a neglected infant who is then adopted into a loving home is irrelevant. You may not understand how that trauma shows itself in many different ways later on in life. If the adopted family has little support and a great lack of understanding, stressors may arise that are far too difficult for the family to cope.

The following is an excerp from the story:
Neighbors said Sieferman had foreclosed on a home and was having legal problems. During the investigation police found a bloody axe and knife and a note in Sieferman's bedroom that read, "Sorry, I can't deal with them anymore."

Many parents have been in this place before. A place of not being able to deal with their own "adopted" children. A place of no where else to go. A place of utter chaos. A place of desperation; thinking of only one way out: death. Although they may not have gone to the depths as this woman has, I assure you they have reached levels of great stress and pain.

Please, join me in prayer for this woman. Her name is Sylvia. Her children are in critical condition. Their names are Hannah and Linnea.

Although you may be very angry at the mother, please try to understand the how she got to that point before you dare cast your judgement. Remember: judge not, lest you be judged.

There is help. If you are in this place or know of any parents who are in this place; know there is help. There are people who do understand what you (or they) are going through.

Where did she go?

I'm right here!
So, check it out!

I may be leaving ...

Yes. You read that right.

I think I may be moving to wordpress.
However ... I am still figuring it out.
Here's where you can find me (here and there)
www.je55y.wordpress.com

But, I will still be here for a little bit until I can figure wordpress out.
Wow! Blogging is complicated.
But I love it!

Unequally Yoked

Training oxen requires putting two different animals together; ones who have been raised from a different master and teaching them to work for another master: YOU.

This is so atypical to the natural course of things. You take an animal who has already learned what is necessary to get the job done and now you put them in a yoke and force them to relearn it all again!? WHAT?
That's crazy!

You know why it's important? Because you are their new master. You have to undo what they have already learned and teach them how to do it your way. It's your job as their new master.

Each time they are yoked together they will learn something; either something profitable for them or not. It is extremely uncomfortable for the oxen to be unqually yoked during their training; but it is essential. Here's the interesting part: They will challenge everything you do as their new master. Why? Because they will continue to create ways to have their own needs met.

Oxen will follow the rules of the master. If they think they are the master of their own domain; they will do what they please; however, if they know you are their master, they will follow your rules. But first you need to show them who's boss. You must prove yourself worthy, worthy to follow, to trust and provide for them.

Training them is not just about who's boss. It's about whether or not you are a trustworthy leader. They need to know you can be trusted to take care of them; to apply what you say; to be consistent. You must earn your respect as a leader. Remember, it is extremely uncomfortable for two seperate oxen to be paired together.

By showing you are a good leader, you must break the bad habits: yours and theirs. They will learn through the value of consequences. This requires a vast amount of commitment and follow through. You cannot let them do something you have not taught them, you cannot allow them to disobey or run off. Any time they disobey, you must teach them a lesson; the longer they disobey, the longer the lesson. They need to learn who is in charge.

It is far better to start with the young than the old. Once you have trained a young ox, they submit to your authority more readily than an elder. With an elder, more "mature" ox, you must constantly show them who's in charge. What a pain, right? It is important to train them while they are young, because once the young are older, they will be much larger than you and yet you will still be able to control them: you have already earned their trust. Once you have been established as their leader, the oxen will respect you. They will heed to your commands.

Now, you may be asking what the heck this has to do with being unequally yoked... Well, according to scripture Jesus tells us not to be unequally yoked. First read the verse:

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” II Corinthians 6:14-17

Okay, so what in the world does that mean and why am I writing about training oxen....

First of all, let me first say that I am sad to hear of so many believers I know getting married to those who aren't ... and then they aren't happy with the results. It saddens me. And most of the believers are women married to men they think they can "win over". Okay, well scripture does say we, as women, can win them over without saying a word ...but ... it isn't working.

Here's why .... ladies .... first of all, you are not the head of the household. Now hold on all you feministic fanatics out there ... I'm not saying what you do and say doesn't matter in the house. I am saying that the man is the head, the leader, the Oh captain, my captain of the ship. I didn't set it up that way: God did. Ephesians 5:21-25

It's all about love and respect. If you respect him, you will be willing to serve him. If he feels this from you, he will love you and be willing to serve you. It's odd, I know - but it works because God set it up that way and I know if you just do it that way, it works. It will.

However ... however, I love that word ... However, if you don't do it that way ... there will be conflict. Now there's a word I don't like. So ... imagine if you will you are standing on a chair. Now, imagine there is someone standing next to you. Now ... try to pull them up on the chair with you. No, they cannot help you. No one is there to help you. You have to do it with only your strength.
It is impossible. In fact, the person may end up pulling you off the chair and hurting you and themselves. You being on the chair represents you as a believer in Christ; a citizen of Heaven; higher in stature; position (but by no means in arrogance).

I've tried it. Trust me. I have not once been able to pull a person up to the chair without help. A lot of help. That being said ... how many times have you tried to convince someone to think the way you think; believe what you believe; feel what you feel? You can't. You just can't do it.

So then, why would you think if you marry the guy (or the girl) you will be able to change them to believe and feel what you feel.

I know what you're thinking. Yeah, I can't, but God can. And you're right, God can ...BUT ... he said don't do it. He said don't do it. He said DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED.

Now, I don't know about you, but I have a tendency to not like being told what to do. And I also have this tendency to think that I can change someone. It doesn't work that way.

Only God can change people ... and that person has to be willing; they have to be open; they have to have their heart softened towards God. And only God can do that. No matter what you say ... only God has the power to change some one's thoughts, beliefs and feelings towards him.

I know you might also be thinking that love will conquer all and you can win them over with your love. That won't work either. Only the love of Christ will truly win them over. I know you love them a lot, otherwise you wouldn't be with them, but only God can truly turn their lives around. Marrying them does not open a door to change. Trust me. I'm married. There is no changing him. He will change if he is convicted by God, not convinced by me.

You see, God set things up the way he did for a reason. Just like training an ox to follow your rules, God uses Jesus and his teachings to train us to follow his rules. The oxen don't like to be told what to do any more than you and I; however, when they finally submit to the authority of their master, they are blessed. Blessed with positive consequences.

I know you love them. But sometimes the act of love is letting go. Sometimes if you genuinely love them (and yourself) you have to be willing to be obedient to God first. In doing so, hey, you never know, God may honor your obedience by turning their heart towards him and eventually back towards you. Only God knows.

Trust that God knows what he is doing. And just like your parents, who sometimes had you do things you didn't want to do, and maybe you did it and maybe you didn't. No matter what you decided, there were consequences to your actions. If you obeyed, it was good. If you disobeyed, it was not so good. And I'm sure you didn't like it, but it was good for you and it taught you right from wrong; good from bad. It taught you to honor and obey; to trust.

There is a perfectly good reason why God puts these rules out there for us, like it or not; they are to protect us and keep us from getting hurt: hurt by others and hurt by ourselves.

Now, I leave you with this. My sister-in-law married my brother. Out of love. She is a believer, my brother is not. He left her. For his best friends' wife. They have a daughter. Her name is Nikki. She is six.

A non-believer will do what non-believers do; just as an ox will do as he pleases, unless he is under the proper authority. In this case: God's.
They will pull you down from the chair. And the whole time they were doing it ... you thought you were still up there. My sister-in-law is only now beginning to realize when she started falling off the chair.

Jesus is our master. He knows the uncomfortableness of being unequally yoked. He knows the pains, the hardship. Just as the master of the oxen must be patient and consistent and loving; our God will be that way with us. It is difficult for the master to train those who are unequal; it takes a long time. But it is much more painful for the oxen; and they don't have a choice, whereas you do.

Be careful. I know you love them, I am not discounting that. Love is a great and powerful thing; but so is God. And his love is above all the love you can imagine.